So complicated, don't even read

[Guest]

Hey,
I want to leave my mom's house, but I don't have any place, I am 18, college first course bad st user, I love to study, but I want my own space at home too. It is 55 min after midnight I am at my sister's bed, which is in "our" room, but after the war with a family member who slept in my bed, I do not dare put a leg on it since. In the other room sleeps my mom, every time she moves or breathes strangely my mind starts to think, what she will do to me now. Just took a bath, and got refreshing cold shower, she is mad because I spend too much water and don't let her sleep, our house is two bedrooms, her is united with kitchen and living room, I am scared of every loud and quick sound, my sister is mad cause I am not in moms bed I had to sleep with her, I don't have my own room, we have WiFi so I can still write. I want to drink but I am afraid to go through mt mother's bed.
my religion is strict. The elder said I can't work at the restaurant or in other country. I have to listen to my mom.
I need to leave.
I over .
over of this.
I don't have job
I want normal life
I am without a spark
every night
every night I think about it
I have no choice
I am dying inside
peacefully
without protest
goodbye future
I got very very big ambitions on you
it turns out not for me
enjoy your lifes

[ccsmod6]

Thank you for reaching out to us. You write so beautifully, and you’ve already identified writing as something you can do. And writing to us, writing for help and hope is the part of you that wants to live; the part that can see a future that’s different and better than this present. You can have that. You deserve that. You have been suffering alone and in silence for so long and you don’t deserve that. You have been so brave and strong and have survived this long. We are so proud of you for that!
You deserve to be listened to and valued and helped to make a plan to have your life; and that life is one that you decide for yourself. You can live in a different state; you can choose a different religion, or have none at all; you can work; you can fall in love; you can get a dog; you can study whatever your mind discovers.
The good news is that you are 18. In most states you are an adult and no one can prevent you from leaving. It is possible that we can find shelter or transitional living for you where you can go without your mom ever knowing. You have the right to your life. You have the right to your dreams and hopes and goals. You don’t have to listen to your mom or your elder unless you choose to; and if you feel that they don’t serve the best interests of your heart and mind, you can make your own choices and decisions.
You said your religion is very strict. If it is a named faith or denomination, you should be able to google “survivors” of it and read stories of people like you that got out and have the lives they built for themselves. At some point they were probably dying inside too, and their journey was probably hard, but they became free from the control of others. Look to them for inspiration to lift yourself up and out.
And by finding us, we are here for you to listen to your story and to really, truly hear you. Especially on our hotline at 1-800-RUNAWAY (1-800-786-2929) we are her for you 24/7. We have a live chat at our website 1800runaway.org We care about you very much. We exist to listen and help people like you. We can help you make a plan that you design to take steps to leave. We very much hope that out will reach out to us by phone or chat. The part of you that wants to live wrote to us once. We hope that that part will reach out to us again, 1-800-786-2929.

Take care,
NRS