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16, Can't cope living with family

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  • 16, Can't cope living with family

    To preface, my parents have been physically and emotionally abusive throughout my life. When I was younger, they would do things like hit me over and over on the posterior with a wooden spoon, to the point where it would hurt to sit down afterwards, or slap me with a belt. My father also beat my siblings. They would do things like pry open my eyelids to wake me up or see if I was awake, push and shove me to get me up, sometimes to the point where half my body would go over the bed, prod me with a stick, and once, my mother even hit me over and over with her fists to get me up in the morning.

    They would also do things like wipe my arms and stomach down with a cold, wet towel. Once, my dad put his finger in my mouth and then wiped it on my face. A lot of this physical abuse worsened after I came out as transgender to them. I have had serious issues with gender dysphoria since <6 that they have repeatedly mocked, ignored, or neglected, even outright abusing me more for it. I am hesitant mentioning this because my experiences with legal and school support is that they will be highly condescending or take the matters at hand less seriously for it. I don't want to make myself a target in that regard.

    Nevertheless, I have gotten multiple strong medical recommendations from various health professionals that my parents have chosen to ignore.

    Their physical abuse has lessened at the moment, which is why I hesitate to reach out. I have trouble recording anything and most marks they do leave are not very permanent, making it doubtful I could get real evidence. I've considered finding help in extended family, but they seem even more conservative than my parents.

    There's a lot more sorts of abuse I could mention, or the time my dad swung his fists at me, or all the times they have said extremely emotionally abusive things, or both of my parents' tendency to grab me or force me to give them hugs, or my mother's bizarre fixation with eye contact, forcing me to stare into her eyes until I'm satisfied... Saying things like that the only reason people are nice to me is because they're too polite to be rude, mocking and making snorting noises when I've tried to discuss things with them, screaming and yelling at me, sometimes without any real reason... But I don't want to extend things.

    I should also add (I don't know if this is pertinent) that my dad is rather... creepy. He'll do things like follow me back to my room and sit on the floor, trying to talk to me. He's puppeted around my limbs before while I've been sleeping, doing things like brushing my hair and doing gross imitations of my voice. He's constantly getting angry and yelling at me for not spending time with him (supposedly) or not asking him how his day was, and he uses the same terms to refer to my mom as he does me, as well as making remarks about how he wishes I would dress more colorfully "like her". He's screamed at me before for not giving him a hug.

    My mother is definitely also creepy and intrusive, having said stuff in the past like that she knows what sort of boxers I wear to school each day, being extremely spying on various things, etc, in addition to having been physically abusive the most consistently throughout my life... The only difference is that I'm not afraid of her on her own because she's far weaker than me.

    If his violent temper and repeated threats of physically beating me up weren't enough to make me afraid of him, that is.

    I don't feel safe, and I often get nightmares about my family. Sometimes my head will zone back to past events and I'll end up acting and feeling as though they are happening or about to happen. Even hearing their footsteps and voices, even being anywhere physically near them makes me highly anxious.

    School is hard to manage with my mental state sometimes, and my parents will also interfere with my schoolwork at times, or try to force their priorities over it.

    CPS has been contacted in the past when they were more physically abusive, but they didn't do anything. The CPS workers were extremely disrespectful. Not only did they consistently come hours to days late, and contradicted me on things I expressly said, they also lied about it being a real investigation. They said some of the physical abuse qualified as assault, but then later acted like everything was minor and simply recommended family therapy at most (something that I am intensely afraid of; My parents consistently lie to and manipulate counselors and other figures to make themselves look good, while coming home to scream about it. They have a disrespect for the law and have said stuff like that if I make any attempts at "doing anything" (transitioning) before 25, they will do everything in their power to stop me, "law or not"). My parents will only manipulate things to their advantage as usual, and anything I say there will be used against me at home. Counselors have ranged to outright horrible, such as directly outing me or laughing at stuff, or otherwise saying very rude stuff, to apathetic or downplaying the family issues. The only group that ever seemed to take it seriously was my school, but they promised to help me afterwards and keep trying even if CPS initially did nothing, and they didn't.

    I'm worried about the stress from family because it deteriorates my mental health quite a lot. While I can generally control my anger issues, I worry that it will get to the point where I will physically lash out at school or get into a fight. The most I have ever done at school is break down crying in the past, but generally, it's something I avoid due to unwanted attention, and I generally don't feel enough of anything half the time to cry, anyways.

    My parents don't care that beating their kids was against the law, all they ever said as an ""apology"" was that they shouldn't have done it in front of me. I can still remember my brother getting hit over and over. His sobbing face.

    I want to make another attempt at getting legal help, but I don't know if it will do anything. I don't trust CPS, and I don't like them. I've strongly considered running away once I have the required money and supplies, even though I'm aware of the serious dangers it risks.

    I just don't know what to do. Between unaddressed medical issues and the fear of even more serious stuff happening before I am able to get out at 18, I am worried. But I don't know if the current situation is serious enough that anyone would intervene. My parents have talked about getting rid of the phone lines and internet before, and have done things like take away my phone for over half a year and my computer for months. Even if I want to call CPS, I am unsure when it will be safe or feasible.

    I wish I could get myself to a situation that was safer and properly addressed my medical needs, but I don't think that will happen for a while. I don't have much real support and although I don't want to die, necessarily, things are difficult.

    I don't know if anyone will approve, or read, or care about this post. Sometimes, even if it gets approved and there's a response, I'm never able to respond back, and my reply never gets approved. I've called hotlines before and I have an lgbt help center worker I am in contact with, but no one I've ever talked to really cares, and even if they do, it's not like they can help.

    If I could, I'd want to get out of this situation now. I don't want to have to live with them being in my life and my thoughts and my nightmares. But I don't know if that will happen.

  • #2
    Hi. Thanks so much for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline and sharing part of your story with us. It appears that we’ve posted and responded to some of your previous forum post in the past and we are pleased that you have reached out again. We encourage you to try contacting our hotline at 1800-runaway or come chat with us at We are sorry to hear that some of the hotlines you called in the past were not a good fit for you. Our staff will try and do all we can to provide whatever support you need. All the best and stay safe, NRS.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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