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help???? i dont know what to do

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  • help???? i dont know what to do

    im having such a hard time right now and it feels pathetic to even ask for help but i dont know what to do anymore. sorry, this will be very long. im 15 and i live with my parents & brother and 2 sisters, and none of us have a healthy relationship. ive been a bad kid ever since i could talk, ive always treated my parents horribly and they've tried everything to fix me, from medication to therapy since i was 5, putting me in hospitals, and nothing can fix me. but the thing is i dont mean to be so awful to my family but i cant help it i have bpd and i always speak before thinking and i cant help being so impulsive. becqause of how bad i treat them i feel like they dont want me anymore, (they've said things like that before) and so i feel like i cant talk to them for help, which is why i never do, i am too proud to talk about my feelings to them because i always act tough but im not so this is why im talking about this here instead of talking to them or counseling.bc of mental health issues and how i was treated at my 2 old schools i begged and begged my parents to let me do homeschool which after a while they agreed to. this was last year, so i just started doing it this year. but because ive been so depressed lately and without motivation and also because of my adhd im failing because i cant seem to focus or do anything right. my parents are pissed about this, rightfully so, because i begged them to let me do this and they trusted me and i let them down. i try so hard but i cant focus. i always try and they just call me lazy. they dont realize im getitng bad again, like this time last year i tried to kill myself 4 times and got put in the hospital and im starting to think about wanting to commit suicide again and im afraid if things get wordse with all this stress i will. ive felt this way since i started failing again, and this exact thig happened last year. so i thought i need to do something. i need to find a school that will help me. after doing research, i found out about theraputic boarding schools. i was so happy. i felt like i had found the perfect thing i just wanted to cry tears of joy, i brought the idea to my parents... and thats when they shot the idea down. they said they wont let me go to any other schools until i prove to them that i can startg being a good kid who treats them right, which is hard enough for me no matter how hard i try, and a;lso they said i cant do it until i prove myself by getting good grades in the school im doing (and failing) now. what they dont realize is that im trying so so hard to make it in school but my mental health is getting so bad again i cant focus on it or anythign. the tgeraputic school i was looking sat would help my education and mental health. they said they will get me medicine to help but everytime they bring it up they say "later". i cant live like this anymore, i rwally cant, i know it sounds so stupid but im considering running away and going to a hotel for a few nights, ive got the money, a fake name, food, plans, and everything i just dont know because i have such a sheltered comfortable life at home that it would be harsh to live on the streets, but i have so many other things stressing me out right now i havent even put here im just so lost im really sorry for how long this is but i havent talked about this to anyone

  • #2
    RE: help???? i dont know what to do

    Hello there –

    Thank you for getting into touch with us here at the National Runaway Safeline. We are always here to listen and here to help in any way that we possibly can. From your post on our public forum. We are always here to listen and here to help in any way that we can. It can be very frustrating not knowing what to do or what your next step might be from this point on and thinking about what would happen if you did leave your house to live in a hotel.

    Now you have stated that you were thinking about harming yourself and/or killing yourself. That's a very serious thing to be thinking about. Do you have this feeling often to the point where you are going to act on these thoughts? If you do feel like this isn’t something that you can control, please reach out to someone that can help you through those times. You shouldn't be afraid to tell other people what you are thinking about doing especially if you are thinking about hurting yourself. You are certainly not alone in this and there are many many people that are here to help you.

    A good resource might be to call the ‘National Suicide Hotline’ for someone to talk about what thoughts you might be thinking at the time. Their number is 800.273.TALK. They also have an online chat service that might be of help to you especially if you don’t feel like calling in. Another thing that you can do if you’re having those thoughts and you’re already planning on taking those thoughts one step further is to call the local police department; if you are thinking about hurting yourself. They can come up and check up on things for you and make sure everyone is okay and offer some services to can step in and help you more. Someone is always willing to help you get through some of those thoughts.

    It’s unfortunate that your parents aren’t really on board with you going to this therapeutic school that you have found on your own. It sounds like that have expressed exactly why they aren’t sure about sending you over there. It looks like the main reason is that you’re not doing well at school right now after begging them for you to be home schooled. Sounds like they might not be ready to make a huge commitment and financial investment in a school when you’re not doing what you need to do now. It can be frustrating, but is there anything that you can see yourself doing to help change their mind to let them know that you are serious?

    You have stated that you get easily discouraged when it comes to work. You might also do some self-care activities that you can practice on your own whenever you’re feeling a little down. Some things that you can think about doing is, setting small goals and celebrating them when they are achieved, maybe make a list of positive traits that you like about yourself (personal or public traits), trying your very best to refrain from comparing yourself to others at school or home, maybe establishing a hobby that makes you feel good about yourself, even try challenging your negative thoughts by asking their validity or by rethinking them in a positive manner (i.e. turn "I am a slow worker" into "I am a worker who takes time to do well at a task"). Starting a journal could also help you with these task. Does this sound like something that you can do?

    Sounds like your parents are trying to do everything that they can to help you through this bad time in your life, seems like they are willing to work with you and they seem to care a lot about you to get you the help that you need (i.e hospital, counselors, home schooling, etc). Now you have stated that you were thinking about running away to live in a hotel. How do you think that will affect your parents? And hotels and food alone are going to get very expensive, so depending on how much you have saved you might not be able to afford all of it. A resource that you might be able to look into if you’re looking for a safe place to go, would be to visit The National Safeplace website (nationalsafeplace.org). This organization provides access to immediate help and supportive resources for youth in need. You can look up your city and state to see if there is any safe places near you listed. They are usually places like designated school, fire stations, libraries, etc. So that is always an option if you feel like go to talk to someone in person and what has been going on.

    If you give us a call on our 24/7 hotline at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) we could help you find some other resources in your area and could potentially help you brainstorm a possible solution to the issues you are having. We also have an online chat service available every night from 4:30-11:30PM CST that is available through our website (www.1800runaway.org).
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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