I need to get away, but Im trying to be smart about this. He

[Guest]

Ever since I was young, my parents both drank and often did not get along. The fights were constant and thats really all I remember about my parents then. My mom was always the one who was on me and my sister's sides. She stuck up for us whenever he went pyscho. Well, Im older now and my dad has mellowed out quite a bit. Its my mom's position now has switched. We do not get along in the least. I would say its been atleast two years of fights. Lately, things have gotten worse. Im pretty good at chilling out and I really dont argue back to her. I know that the best way to settle our differences is to talk about it. One time, we were arguing and I was trying to stay calm so I asked to take a walk to cool off a bit. I really want to accomplish things here, fix things! She wouldn't even let me take a short walk. And lately she has starting calling me names (b-word, a-word, etc). I think that is rather inappropriate. We fight constantly, but its never over the usual things like chores or rules; I have no problems with their standards. I devised up a whole plan on emancipation, then upon considering the ill effects it may take upon my future education, so I ruled it out. Things get bad, then i think about things drastic, stick with those opinions then things start to get better and Im always fooled into thinking things will change.

But to get to the point, we recently had our worst fight. Im really tight with my morals, I do not curse (Never have or will), I do not have sex (only ever kissed a guy), etc and she knows all of this. We were at my grandparents when she freaked out. She told all my relatives, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, that we were arguing about me wanting to go off and screw around. We were actually talking about my wish to study in Italy a year after highschool. My uncle looked at me so bad, and my grandma didn't talk to me for the rest of the trip. That was completely uncalled for. Later that night she continued to dog me and told me how I will be the reason her and my father split up and that I am the sole reason her life is miserable. Exact words there. She said much much much much more things and its hard for me to believe she could say worse things but she did. I burst into tears whenever anyone mentions Saturday. I don't talk about it anymore. I mean, Im a straight A student, I watch my five year old sister for her a lot for favors, I get the groceries for her as favors. Ive done everything to win her approval. I clean, I cook, Ive tried everything! No matter what it still comes to this. I cannot stay here. I guess Im weak, but I just cannot take it anymore.

So, my plan is to stay with my friend for a few weeks. Her mom knows my situation and has offered me a room and a job. Ive thought about this a lot and this feels like the best solution.
I can continue to go to my school which is essential and Ill be safe. Ive told my dad of my plans and he agreed that it would be a good idea for us to get away from eachother to cool off, breathe a bit. Then maybe we can try to fix things? A problem there is, I either have to talk to my mom about wishing to leave (without his support because he has informed me he will not talk to her with/for me for fear of starting another fight) or I can leave without telling her. That was his advice, was to go without telling her. Play runaway and he will pretend he knows nothing. Im hoping this break can help things calm down, and maybe things can be fixed but if not, what then? Emancipation? Emancipated life is hard. If I made it through highschool, I can already pay for Yale through scholarships so college is taken care of. What do I do? Whats my best bet? I cant stay here. Please help me.

[ccsmod8]

Re: I need to get away, but Im trying to be smart about this. He

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to reach out to us here at the National Runaway Switchboard for more suggestions as you prepares yourself for leaving or staying at home. We appreciate you so much for all your hard work and your commitment to bettering your life. We are so sorry that you have been made to go through so much at home. So many great things you wrote in your post stood out to us. We imagine that it is not easy to go from childhood to adolescent life dealing with the ups and downs of parental inconsistencies. It is good that your father was able to change. It means that it is possible for the same thing to happen for your mother but these things can take time. Have you thought about speaking to her about family therapy? Your mother has proven in the past to be an ally. Do you wish to have her on your side to help out like before? Have you thought about going from that perspective so that she is able to see and hear the good things she has done to give her comfort in knowing that you truly need her to be there for you again?

We hope that you can try to not be so hard on yourself. Saying you are weak is one thing but we do not get the sense that you are weak at all. You get straight and that is a great thing. How do you think your plan for emancipation is going to get in the way of your education? When a judge emancipates you, they expect that you have a plan to complete you education. Do you mean that you are going to have to rely on your parent’s income the rest of the way? You stated that you are going to be set for a scholarship but do you need to have them back you to get more assistance? If that is the case, we imagine that your future ties to home are greater but there are ways to work around these things. It is nice that you know that the best way to settle your differences is to talk things through. We see that this has worked for you in the past and that is great. Do you feel it is likely to create less drama for you if you at least give it a try to involve your mother in what you are planning? However, it can still proves you father is willing to help with your mother knowing this if you try to pull your father into it. If one parent gives you blessings for leaving, it is still grounds for the other parents to file a runaway report with the police. Do you think she is going to file a report on you?

By staying calm in these situations, no one can judge that you are not trying to be reasonable. Who else can impact your mother in a positive way in the family for her to hear you out? We imagine that your other family members may still be at odds with you from previous conflicts when your mother decided to overstep her bounds with giving unnecessary info about you and that boy you kissed. However, it is still best to try to see if you can find a friend or a family member to have your back. Someone impartial who knows the meaning of conflict resolution can help to articulate what each of you is struggling with. You do so much for your family and taking some time away to cool off can do nothing but help everyone assess the situation and try to progress forward. You have the right mindset and we hope this can work out for you. We are always here to help you and if you wish to contact us, we can be reached at 1800RUNAWAY 24 hours a day. We have a conference call service for you to utilize if you decide to leave home and need us to mediate a conversation between you and your mother later. We can allow both of you to speak and help to articulate your feelings. We can also set up rules for you and her to follow to make the call as constructive as possible. Please tell us how we can help best and know that you have us as a support anytime.

The last issue to remember is that you need to be careful that your friend's family does not get in trouble for harboring you. If you mother decides to file a report and knows you are with them, they could still stand the risks of harboring you. We hope to hear from you if you need more ideas. Stay strong and good luck.

-NRS