Being at home is too toxic and I physically can't stand being there.

[Guest]

I am currently 14 years old and I've been depressed for years due to my family. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and my parents have respected jobs but I just can't take it anymore. My family is Arab and so my parents are extremely traditional and strict. I have been living in a domestically abusive household since I was born. It never stopped (until a year ago) and it caused me to have horrible, crippling anxiety but I thought it was a normal thing, so I pushed through it. Recently though, my mom has just been so emotionally abusive and I can not stand being around her but I have no choice because she's my mom. I love my my mom to death but she just does not seem to care about me or my feelings. Yesterday she ripped up a painting I was super proud of because "she didn't like it." I also have 3 younger sisters and, with my whole soul and body, I can't stand being around them. I try so hard not to argue with them because they are younger than me but they constantly vandalize and steal my belongings, spit in my face, scream and start arguments for no reason, and I'm genuinely afraid of them and I'm scared of being near them. I know I'm older than them but still. Recently, the thought of packing my bags and leaving home have been persisting in my mind and I always get so close to doing it, but I get scared because I am 14 and I have no where to go. I also do NOT want to contact any police or authority of that kind because this is my family, no matter how abusive it gets, I will never do that. Also, I think it is important to mention that I have horrible, severe depression and I have been feeling numbs for weeks. I am NOT suicidal (I used to be and my parents hated me for the longest time due to it) but I am not suicidal at all. I want to move out once I am able to but I know my family won't let me do that. I just don't even know what to do anymore, I feel helpless and trapped in my own home.

[ccsmod3]

Hi, thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation right now but you're not in it alone. We are here to help. Nobody deserves to be abused and I am sorry you are having to deal with that. You do not deserve to be mistreated and disrespected. What your mom and siblings do is not ok and you have the right to feel upset because of it. Depression and anxiety are very serious and can become debilitating if left untreated. There are resources like counseling (through school or even private counseling) that we would be happy to help you locate over the phone at 1800RUNAWAY or over chat. You never need to report abuse if you don't want to. We are always here to talk and discuss other options anonymously over the phone at 1800RUNAWAY. Thank you again for reaching out.
-NRS