i honestly wanna kill myself or run away

[Guest]

Ever since I was 11 ive smoked marijuana and its always been a problem for my family and the law. I did alot of stupid things in my past and im 15 now with a record. its 2019 and last december i was dumb enough to steal some beer and get caught. today i got a letter in the mail telling my court date. the 22nd, my moms birthday. i dont think i can feel anymore but i do feel bad in a way but my empathy has almost been ripped out of me because for the past 5 years ive been in constant trouble and emotional pain. my mother tells me im a spoiled, ungrateful little brat, just because i want her to see my way. ( which is the culture of smoking pot) which is obviously illegal but i dont care anymore because i hate my life so much. marijuana is the only thing that releves the anxiety saddness and hatred for my utter living soul. that along with my best friends. so like i said i got in trouble dec 3. the cops said a couple of weeks for the letter in the mail but i got it today jan 11 i thought i was just off with a warning i was obviously suprised and now dreadful. the thing is its 2019 and i dont want to put shame on my culture anymore. I AM NOT going to steal ever again. but of course im a liar too and i cant tell the future but I honestly truely deep from my heart and my knowledge want myself to never styeal and again and i subdue the thought and toss it out every time it comes in. okay so i am tyhe #1 cause of my mothers suffering and i know it but she treats me like i dont want to have a life like i just wantr to be her slave but my eyes have been opened and i cant handle this "way of life" that everyone else is living, i want everything because im greedy and selffish i admit but i get it from my family and i hate myself. but anyyyyyways today jan 11 i was very angry about the letter in the mail and i was stressed worried, scared. to say the least and i wasnt ready for my mom. she startyed to tell me to do things and i got mad which i shouldnt of but I did and i cant change it so i did some chores she told me and i decided i needed a long break to cool down from this letter and just life. so right down the road to sadies house I go because i made plans to go earlier in the day. now the thing is ive been grounded for the past month and a half forced to stay home which i found a bit too long for how much i regreted what i did but i chose to sit thru it and idid have a bit of fun xD but anyways my mother told me that i was grounded until I got the letter in the mail to find out what was going on with the court ( i have evidence of her saying this (texting)) so i thought she wouldnt be tooooo triggered if i went to sadies legit two houses down. so i go and guess what im chilling there for couple hours and i dont even have phone data for some stupid ass reason so i dont realise my mom is at home texting me and calling freaking the ******** out because she thought i was in the back yard in the shed or something. but i never told her i was. i pretty much just said im going out to her and left. i admit i shouldve asked to go to sadies but i was too scared of the answer "no" like usaul and i really needed this friend time to make me relax so im at my friends and my friend joey picks up his phone and its my mom on the phone legit screaming at me to get THE ******** HOME. so i walk outside immediatly to go home because i was going to attempt to calm her down by explainging my view to her( that i was ungrounded today and i went to saidies never said i went in the back) but i walk out and see her walk out the house and LEGIT IMEDIATly i start to get screamed at. i attempot to calm her down speaking in a normal voice trying to tell her to listen to me but i continue to get yelled and screamed at and then she poushes me in the mudroom as im voluntarily going in and shes just making me loose it but i continue to try to calm her down to listen to me so she stops but she continues and continues for minutes and trhen she tells me to give her my phone.I AM NOT A BIG FAN OF SOMEONE TAKING MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS at all so i tell her no and dont give her my phone for 5 minutes until i loose it and im crying now because sheACTUALLY WONT EVEN ********ING LISTEN. i was so close to freedom today i thought . i thought id be ungrounded because of this letter. and then this i couldnt take it i continue to try not to get angry back but im deeply sad now and i eventually cant contain my anger and start telling her off and then i give her my phone because i couldnt take it anymore. i hit myself in the head with my fists very hard many times and now have a headache and my eyes and eye lids are red and have viens. i just experieneced the deepest sadness since last year 2017 sep i cried for probably an hour and then eaves dropped on my mom talking about how horrible i am which made me cry soime moire and then i went and let out an emotional rap about how sad i am and wanna kms buit honestly i really dont wanna kms if i dont have too i just dont know anymore if my heart and soul can handle this life. ultimately im thinking of either suicide or running away but im scared of both but id most likely run away. im so scared though and dont know what to do but if this continues i will run and i dont know how to deal with this and make my mom and me heal our relatiuonship please help

[ccsmod2]

Hi and thanks for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline. It sounds like you are going through a lot and we are glad you reached out to us for help.

From what you say, it sounds like the relationship between you and your mom is strained and a source of stress. Was there ever a time things were good between you two? If you want to call in and have a conversation with someone here at 1-800-RUNAWAY, we could explore the situation between you and your mom some more. We could talk with you about when things changed, when things are good, and maybe even how to get on a track to try to make things better. We don’t tell people what to do here, but we do want to work with you to make sure you feel supported with a plan.

You mention several instances of marijuana use and its effects on your personal life and your family. If you would like you speak with someone about this you could contact SAMHSA, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services, to get in contact with resources that might be able to help navigate your future with drug use. We can also speak with you about your drug use and try to identify other ways/coping mechanisms you can get the same anxiety relief without using substances.

You also mention an option of killing yourself due to the sadness. We want you to know that you can always call the police right away if you feel you may be a harm to yourself or others. If suicide is an option you are seriously considering, or just want to talk about, you can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. We are open to talking about suicide as well, and you can trust that we will be nonjudgmental, nondirective (meaning we won’t tell you what to do), and supportive in your decisions.

If running away is an option you are considering, we have a database of shelters across the country that we could search if you don’t have a place to go. We are not here to tell you TO run away or to NOT run away, we just want to make sure you are safe. If you call in, we could look up any shelters we have in your area so you wouldn’t be putting others at legal risk (for harboring a runaway), or being unsafe on the street. The choices are yours to make, we are just here to help.

Thank you again for reaching out. We hope you found this helpful, and we encourage you to call in if you are comfortable. We are here 24/7/365 at 1-800-RUNAWAY with other resources at 1800RUNAWAY.org.