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I just want to finally be happy.

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  • I just want to finally be happy.

    Hi. I'm not really sure how to go about this. I'm 15, almost 16 and have dreams of finally running away from home. My situation at home is rough to explain because I know I don't have it as bad as others but I don't really know how much longer i can handle what i do go through right now.

    My father is so controlling and strict and doesn't support me or my views or anything. I am part of the LGBT community and am terrified of the day he finds out. He's very strict with his opinions and I am not to think anything other than what he does about most topics. I'm never given a say in anything and all my opinions are immediately seen as wrong. I've never been given the chance to choose what I want to do in life, including seeing my mother. It's always been him choosing for me or forcing and guilt tripping me into a choice. This isn't what I want anymore. I've tried many things to get rid of these thoughts along with my suicidal tendencies and depression, including talking to people at my school who I trust and get their feedback, and even therapy which my father pulled me out of. I've been suffering with self harm and suicidal thoughts for so long and he does nothing but degrade me for it and call me attention seeking. I've begged him for so long to get me help but all he says is he doesnt want me to get put on pills or anything and that I need to stop being dramatic because "he's had it so much worse". Which I understand, but he only uses his depression in arguments whereas I genuinely want to get better because I cannot stand the bitter sad and suicidal person I've become. He makes me feel so useless. I try so hard to be the perfect child for him, getting good grades and not causing any trouble lately, but I never get any encouragement, no motivation, no emotional support, nothing. I feel like no matter what I do it's never going to be enough for him and I'm so tired of dealing with this. I have tried talking to him about how unbearable it is to be around him and how much trouble i have living in this house but all he does is pin it all on me and make me feel like everything i feel is my fault and he refuses to help me. I don't want to sit here waiting till im 18 to leave. I don't think I'll even make it that long, if i'm being honest. The dream of running away is the only thing really keeping me here today. I've never been given the actual chance to choose what to do what makes me happy.

    My mother left us at a young age and I still love her and the memories i had with her so dearly. She was there for me emotionally, something i take so seriously. I would rather be with someone who supports me and is there for me emotionally than to be with someone who doesn't have all the necessary funds, something he tries to use against her whenever i bring her up. I want to go and find my mother (who im sure would be willing to take me in, we've tried before secretly which got me in months of trouble.) and get to know the woman who I have a connection with.

    I get picked on at school and I feel nothing but average every single day of my life. I want to go out and explore and be free and happy and make memories, not sit in a house all day doing nothing but crying and sleeping because i'm not allowed to go out. I want to be a photographer and travel and explore places and be a social media influencer. Becuase of how strict my father is I'm not allowed to have any social media with only FURTHER distances myself from all the other kids ever. I feel like an outcast. I never fit in and I have problems connecting with people because of the trauma I've had growing up. I don't want to be just some ordinary unhappy kid who does whatever their parents say with no say. I want to live out of the norm. How I want.

    Another thing is, I have a lot of this planned out with my best friend. Her reasons for wanting to leave is abuse and she's ready to start a new chapter of her life as well. I wouldn't dream of doing this with anyone but her. I love her so much and I want to take her with me and her and I can go and travel and finally get away from our toxic environment. I've planned things like clothes, letters to friends and family, money, the whole mother situation, etc. I just need the courage to go and actually do it but I feel like nobody but her has my back in this. I feel like our dream is stupid and nobody will take us seriously but I am dead serious. I want this more than I've wanted anything more in my life.

    I'm not sure why I wrote this all out? but any input whether it be questions or advice is really appreciated.

  • #2
    Hi,

    Thank you for reaching out. That does sound like a pretty tough situation to deal with. Sorry to hear that you are going through a situation where you don’t feel heard from you Dad, but have felt the connection with your Mom.

    It makes sense that you want to get out of an environment where you feel trapped and unhappy.
    It’s good to hear that you are using the resources at school that you trust. A different resource that might be of value if your school has one is speaking to a counselor there if your father has pulled you out of an outside therapy.

    On receiving support on the LGBT front there are a few different organizations that might be helpful. One of them is The Trevor Project the help youth struggling with depression who are LGBTQ. Their phone number is 866-488-7386. Their website is www.thetrevorproject.org.

    A different organization that could be helpful is the LGBT National Hotline. Their number is 888-843-4564, and their website is www.glbthotline.org. The LGBT National Youth Talkline might also be helpful to talk to their number is 800-246-7743.

    If you were planning to run away with your best friend it does sound like you have quite a few things planned out, but at 15 it might be tough for a few reasons such as longer term money, shelter, food etc.
    We would be happy to talk more about the options that you have available in your specific situation if you wanted to speak we are available 24/7. If you wanted to discuss the options that you have in your specific area we can be reach at 800-RUNAWAY. We can also be reached through our chat service.

    Thanks,

    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    info@1800runaway.org (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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