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  • any other way?

    Hello.
    I am currently, going out of my state of mind. I can't live here anymore.
    In my life, I have my mother, father and grandfather. I don't know if I love them, because I'm not sure what love is. Everything they do that they seem to do out of their 'love', I'm thinking is just instinct. Anyways, my mother is a drug addict. She's been in and out of jail many times for violating probation, and I don't get to see her much. Only about two-three months at a time, and then she leaves for a year. Once, I wrote her a Valentine's letter all about how much I hated her for what she's done. I've made her cry many times, and once we got in a physical fight, I don't take anything she says seriously. Not even her promises. Really, she could move away or even die and it wouldn't make a difference in my life. My dad doesn't know me, for who I am. I've always lived with my grandpa, and he stays in another city. He only comes when he wants to, never when we need him to. He breaks all of his promises too. He used to work in a bar, all by himself with parties every night. I never talked to him, I called him once in a while, but anything I ever needed was 'forgotten' or 'less important'. My grandpa is 63 years old, and has COPD. His health is decreasing rapidly, and it's also what his wife died from. Me living with him has always helped him want to live another day, not try to.
    Now, my Dad has pretty much forced me to live with him, and I hate it.
    I had to move to an entire different school, and things just don't click here.
    I have severed lonely issues, from when I was younger, but now I'm home alone everyday for a period of about three hours. There's no phone at all, because my cell phone is out of time on it, there's no house phone, and no one else is home. There's also no alarm system installed in the house. I'm very clingy to those of the opposite sex than to girls, only because boys seem to give you a lot hugs and kisses than your best 'girl' friends do, not that mine do much of that anyways.
    I've tried both self-harm, drowning myself, and running away.
    I always runned knives down my arms, but never to the point of blood. I also used my fingernails to cause burning and pain from the strikes that when skin deep, but no blood. I've stuck my head underwater, and forced myself to breathe through my nose and mouth so I could clog my lungs. Once, I told a lie to go see another friend, and after I saw that friend, I was thinking of leaving for good. I wasn't prepared, and I was over two hours late from home, and because they knew me, they were already calling around and had people looking for me, so I returned home.
    I want to just leave this entire life, like a bad childhood.
    I want to have a new family, a new life. I don't want to stay here anymore. I think there's something out there that can fulfill my dreams better than the chance I have here. And I went to this site and decided that there could be help for me.
    Each time I get called to clean or things, I have a very negative attitude towards things. The other night, I got called for washing dishes, which I had never done before. I said that I won't eat so I won't have to clean the dishes, and now I've been forced to eat to make sure what I said doesn't happen.

  • #2
    Re: any other way?

    Thank you so much for sharing a little bit of yourself with us. It sounds like there have been a lot of ups and downs throughout your life. From all you wrote, it seems you feel like you’re alone and not supported by the family around you. It must have been incredibly difficult growing up with a mom that was in and out of your life. That makes it hard to ever really trust her or even get to know her, doesn’t it? It seems like your relationship with your dad isn’t much better, even though you might see him more often. It’s hard to feel like someone that should be supporting you doesn’t even understand who you are. You also mentioned that you lived mostly with your grandpa, but due to his deteriorating health you had to move back in with your dad. What kind of relationship did you have with your grandpa? Was he ever able to be there for you?

    It sounds like on top of the fact that you don’t want to live with your dad, you had to move schools and probably leave friends behind. It’s imaginable that you’d be feeling lonely. It seems you’re essentially cut off from communicating with others for several hours each day. This has got to be making everything harder for you. How have you been coping with it all? It probably makes you want to scream.

    You mentioned a couple fairly serious things in your post. One thing you mentioned is that you’ve self-injured in the past as one way of coping. Is this something you’re currently doing? Self-injury “does” something different for everyone (relief from your emotions, physically expressing pain, establishing control, communication, self-nurture). What is it that self-injury does for you? When you avoid the urge to self-injury, what do you tell yourself or do that works to keep from self-injuring? Do others in your life know about your self-injury? If so, how have they reacted? Most importantly though, how do you feel about the fact that you self-injure? Everyone feels different. Some people don’t like it and wish they could stop while some people feel it’s the only beneficial way of dealing with everything.

    The other thing that you mentioned was trying to drown yourself. Was this an attempt to end your life? How long ago did this occur? What brought you to that point? What stopped you from going through with it or attempting again when it wasn’t successful? Are you currently feeling suicidal? Obviously, ending your life is a very serious thing because it’s permanent. Does anyone know about that time or have you reached out to anyone about what happened that day? It’s great that you’re reaching out now, even if you weren’t able to then. Know that there’s always people that care and do want to help, even if all they can do is listen (or in this case read ?) what you’re feeling and going through. If you’re feeling suicidal now or if you ever do in the future, know we’re here to talk to you. There’s also a National Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK. Calling might be difficult, since you mentioned before that you don’t have minutes on your cell phone or a home phone. Just know that both the National Runaway Switchboard and the National Suicide Hotline are available 24/7.

    The last thing you mentioned was leaving. You wrote that you tried this once, but it sounded like it was impulsive and you didn’t really have a plan. Is this something you’re still seriously considering? If so, where would you go? How would you survive? How would you stay safe? What about school/your education? If you were caught, do you think things at home would be better, worse or the same when you returned? Would there be any consequences? What are the pros and cons to leaving? Realistically, do you think you’ll be able to stay away until you turn 18? These questions are just for you to think through and consider. We never tell youth not to runaway, the same way we don’t tell them to runaway. Our goal is to help you figure out what it is that you want to see happen and make sure you’ve really thought through your plan. Ultimately, it’s your safety that’s most important.

    It seems that you’re really just grasping at any way to deal with all the stuff that has happened at home and in your life. Do you think it would help to have someone to talk to on a more regular basis? Have you ever seen a counselor? Do you think that’s even an option for you? A lot of schools have counselors that are there if you need to talk to someone. Sometimes it helps to just have another person to talk to and feel supported from. We would also be happy to look for possible counselors in your area. We’d need to know your city/state so we could search our database. Also, how old are you? If you’re not comfortable giving that information, it’s totally fine.

    You wrote near the end that you’re hoping that there’s some way for you to fulfill your dreams after all. What are some of your hopes and dreams? It sounds like you’re an incredibly strong person just to have made it as far as you have. Keep your head up.

    As stated before, if you ever want to talk to someone (and are able to use a phone) you’re welcome to call us. Someone is always here. We’re not here to tell you what to do or to judge you. Our main goal is to provide you with a listening ear, words of encouragement and empower you to make the best decision for yourself. Thanks again for sharing a piece of your story with us. Your journey is not over yet! Hopefully, you’ll be able to soon decide your own path (and not have to just deal with the ones that your family has caused you to be on).
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: any other way?

      Life sucks occasionally. I cant say anything to make things better for you but please tough it out you only have a few more years. Being a grown up and having adult responsibilities sucks. Stay a kid as long as possible. Save some money when your old enough move on. As long as your not being physically harmed, please just tough it out. I spent alot of time in group homes and foster care and believe me things can and will get worse if you take maters into your own hands too soon. Prepare yourself for the life you want. Learn everything you can knowledge really is power! God(no matter which religion) is always there for YOU and can atleast for now make you feel better, eventually the reason your in your life will show and you'll find purpose. I only recently found this out and I am in no way the picture of perfection. I wish nothing but the best for you and will keep you in my prayers.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: any other way?

        Thank you for your response. It sounds like you can relate and have some very encouraging words! We want to let you know that you are welcome to call here anytime you feel like talking or want any resources. You can call us at 1800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). We are completely confidential, non-judging or religious affiliated. We wish you the best!


        ~NRS
        Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

        National Runaway Safeline
        [email protected]way.org (Crisis Email)
        1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

        Tell us what you think about your experience!
        https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: any other way?

          Me and my grandpa are very close. No one has been there for me like he has. He always gave me just the right amount of discipline, and just the right amount of slack too. We rarely get into arguments, and when we do, they're the typical family kind. He loves me to the point of I don't even know how to describe it. The time I attempted to leave, I walked in the door, and instead of screaming and yelling, like my mother did, my grandpa just hugged me and told me that he would worry about punishing later. I've been with him through all the holidays, hurricane evacuations, trips to the hospital, even when I had appendectomy done. He stayed in the hospital with me each night, and only went home when he absolutely had to. He was basically there for me whenever I needed him to be.

          I do go to a new school, and I've made a couple of friends. They're still not the same as my friends from my old school, which without my cell phone, is hard to talk to them. Once a month, I get more minutes on my phone, but they only last for about 2-3 weeks, and then i have to go 5-8 weeks without talking to them. I have the internet as well, and I've downloaded every type of instant messenger out there, but some of them don't have the IM services, much less the internet.

          No. I've stopped all types of self affliction as for right now. In my previous times, I've used sharp objects and slid them across my arms, but with no intention of blood. I've also made minor puncture wounds with thumb tacks, again, no blood drawn. For me, the self-harm covers however much emotional pain I have with physical pain so I forget about it. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. It would be hard to cover up serious scars, and I don't really know how to hide my arms, so in order to prevent myself from further contact with my family, I don't harm anymore. The extreme hate of contacting with my family at times keeps me from doing it again. A small amount of my friends know what I've done. One of them felt the same way, and joined me. Another begged me to stop, but he failed, just like another one of my friends. I also have two other friends, one who does it with fishing line/guitar string, and another who does it with actual knives. I hate the fact that I even thought about it, and the fact that I've actually done a form of it before. It is something I strongly regret.

          About the drowning, I was thinking to end my life, but I wasn't set on doing it. It happened about a month ago now, and it was the fact that everything in my life was so overwhelming, I just wanted everything to disappear. Even if I just went blackout for a moment. Anything that kept me from hearing and seeing, I didn't want to know the outside world existed. It was one of my friends, one of the ones that had cut himself, that kept me from drowning myself, or ever doing it again. Everytime I think of it, I think of what he told me, and it tells me not to ever do it again. I've told my father about it, all he said that I was crazy. I don't think he took it as seriously as you are here.

          I've actually tried running twice. Once when I was 9, I made it to the end of the driveway. The only reason I turned back was because I believed in the North Star, and that night I couldn't see it, so I went back inside, figuring that the clouds purposely didn't want me to leave. I tried again about three weeks ago, but I wasn't ready or anything, and that's when I returned home. I am still considering it, but I'd rather leave to somewhere where I would feel safe. I have money, and I was planning on going to the local mini-store and stocking up on some food, and then maybe going to a friend's house. I do know that harboring runaways is illegal, but I wasn't thinking about anyone except myself at the time. As far as school goes, it's related to the government, so I wasn't planning on returning there at all, unless I faked as a walker and ranaway from school. If I returned home, it'd be much worse. I wouldn't be able to leave without an adult, or be anywhere without one. Right now, I can't even go anywhere without an adult present with me. This is hard because most parents trust their children with a group of other kids. I think that if I leave, I would have a chance to forget most of this, and start over new, but also I feared what would they do to my parents. I don't wish them any harm, but I wish myself to be gone. If that's easy to understand, and no, I'm far away from 18, I know I'd get caught eventually, I just don't want to be here.

          I am 13 years old, and I am currently in Ocean Springs or Biloxi, Mississippi.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: any other way?

            Thanks for writing back to us. You answered all the questions we posted! You are very well spoken and write so eloquently.

            It sure sounds like you’ve been through a lot. It’s probably so difficult to be away from your grandpa considering how close the two of you are. Even though you’re not with him daily now, hopefully it helps to know that you had that unconditional, non-judgemental love and support from someone in your life. He sounds like a great grandpa.

            You should be very proud of yourself for stopping the self-injury. It’s an incredibly difficult cycle to get out of. It sounds like although some friends actually supported the self-infliction, you had others that were adamant about trying to help you to stop. They must really care about you. Don’t be too hard on yourself either for self-injuring when you did. Sometimes when people are desperate, they try things and do things they wouldn’t normally do. It sounds like you were at a point of desperation to relieve yourself from all the emotional pain. The fact that you think about it and DON’T do it shows you have a lot of control and even self-respect. That’s quite an achievement.

            It seems like from all you wrote that you’re looking for a way out of the situation you’re in now, but that there may not be any realistic ones. You mentioned that leaving probably wouldn’t work and would make things worse at home when you were caught. It’s great that you’re really thinking through what could happen if you leave. Ultimately, the decision is up to you. Just so you know, if you ever do decide to leave, you can absolutely call us. Our number is toll free from any payphone. Once youth leave the home, we can help them find a shelter (which, just so you know, will have to contact their guardians at some point), conference with their guardian, take a message for their guardian (We would deliver the message and offer to take a message back. The main goal of this service is to open the line of communication between youth and their guardians). If a youth runs, wants to go home, but is too far away and doesn’t have transportation, we have a Home Free program that can help. This is only for youth that are willing to go home and are returning to their legal guardians. Keep all these services in mind if you do end up leaving. Obviously, we’re always here to just talk as well

            One thing, we didn’t really “talk” about in your last post was if you were able to do any after school programs. Maybe something that would keep you out of the house longer and give you a chance to be with others. Sometimes schools offer programs or clubs like this. There’s also a Boys and Girls Club in Oceans Springs. They offer a variety of activities as well as have people that you could turn to for guidance and support. Their number, in case you think it’s something you’re interested in, is (22 818-0518. They also have locations in Biloxi. You could probably also find out more information through an internet search.

            We hope you’re able to make the decisions that are right for you. Remember that there are people that care and want to see you happy, healthy and safe We’re always here if you’re ever able to call. If there’s anything specific you need from us, that we haven’t provide already, please let us know. Best of luck!
            Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

            National Runaway Safeline
            [email protected] (Crisis Email)
            1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

            Tell us what you think about your experience!
            https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

            Comment

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