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16, Questioning, & I Want to Run Away

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  • 16, Questioning, & I Want to Run Away

    Hi. I'm sixteen, female, and I'm questioning my sexuality. I don't know if I am bisexual or lesbian, but I know that I'm attracted to girls. The problem is, I have no one to talk to about this. My parents are religious, and the rest of my family is either homophobic or also religious. I'm homeschooled so I don't know many people outside from my church, and even then there isn't really anyone I talk to. I go to a therapist, and even though she's licensed and everything, she's a Christian and goes to church. I broke down and told her about this one day because I had been getting anxiety from it, and even though she didn't really say anything against it, it was kind of disappointing. To summarize everything she said; "Are you sure? Like don't misinterpret things or jump to conclusions." I don't think I will be getting much support from her, and I don't know if I can turn to anyone else in my life. I've been trying to use the Internet to find support, and even though it has helped, I don't think I can make it through another two years or more closeted. Even though I'm not sure exactly about my sexuality yet and not ready to put a label on it, I still consider myself in the closet.
    I feel like if I runaway I will at least be able to be myself and not have to lie and pretend about anything anymore. I don't even know if I believe in God, or Jesus, because if He made me this way, why would he condemn me for being that way? I don't know, I'm so confused. I haven't been going to church for a while and last week my parents forced me to go. They wouldn't leave me alone until we were out the door. I feel kind of ashamed of this, but I kind of had a mental breakdown or something. It started out as anxiety, and before I knew it my emotions got the better of me and I didn't even know what I was thinking, everyone just seemed like they were against me and I didn't know what to do. My parents picked me up and pushed me over to the stairs and told me to get ready, that I was going no matter what, that they were going to make me go no matter how I looked. I went into my room and shut the door and laid down on my bed and I my thoughts were out of control. I kept thinking about how someone was going to find out, how I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, that everyone would think I'm weird or something was wrong with me, that I people were going to stare at me, that I couldn't sit in the service because I couldn't stand to hear about God, or Jesus, or whatever, and I had so many emotions in me. I was frustrated and angry and sad and scared and confused and lonely and I felt so claustrophobic and like I was going to explode. My Dad came in and he sat there and said he wouldn't move until I started getting ready. It made me feel even more claustrophobic and trapped and I went out into the hallway and they followed me out and kept trying to talk to me and I kept yelling at them and telling them to just leave me alone. My Mom tried to talk to me about it and she told me that it was all in my head. It set me off and I went into the nearest room and shut and locked the door. I don't think that she meant it the way it felt like she meant it, now I realize that. But it set me off and my Dad opened the door and he started yelling at me and tried to drag me out of the room and I kicked him and tried to push him away and I kept screaming for him to stop touching me and to leave me alone. I screamed at him and I picked up something and threw it at his feet and after I threw it I realize it was one of my brothers toys that he had just finished building, and it made me cry even harder. I was literally laying on the floor hyperventilating so hard that I couldn't be bothered to get up or to say anything back to them. I just couldn't breathe. They left me alone and eventually I crawled back into my room and shut the door and leaned against it and I didn't know what to do. I eventually calmed down and they came up there a couple more times and told me I was still going no matter what. I did go, and I made it, but I could not sit through the service. I can't sit there and listen to them preach about how God loves and forgives and accepts everyone, it makes me angry and frustrated and I get confused about what I believe. I lasted about ten minutes before I walked out, and I spent the rest of the time back and forth between the lobby, outside, and in the bathroom. I didn't know where to go. I wanted to go somewhere where no one could find me. I feel so ashamed of that day, and I cringe looking back. I know my parents love me, and they want the best for me. I know that them doing that they were genuinely trying to help me, but I feel like some of that was frustration. They think that I'm not going because of my anxiety. They want me to get out more and try to conquer my anxiety but I feel like going anywhere is useless. Because no matter what I will still have to pretend and lie about who I am. Honestly, most of my anxiety comes from this. I don't knwo what to do. I've thought about running away, living on the streets, and even though I know it's dangerous, I know it's not smart, I know that I'm too young to get a job or rent an apartment. It's just the fact that I can be myself, not have to pretend or lie anymore, even if it means sleeping on a sidewalk or eating from a dumpster. I might be able to get a job somewhere if I'm lucky, but I doubt it. I can't rent an apartment, even if I managed a job. It would mean dropping out of high school. But just the fact that I would be free from the negativity around homosexuality, that I wouldn't have religion shoved down my throat if I chose to say that I don't believe in God, that I wouldn't have to pretend or lie to anyone, even if not everyone accepted me. I don't know. I'm so confused. I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take. I'm not sure if I can stand being dragged to church much longer and hearing about how my Aunt's sister-in-law is gay and that she shouldn't be cause it's wrong, and that you're not born that way, you make a choice, and that she sinning and that it's wrong in the eyes of God. I have to step out of the room or get out of the conversation whenever they talk about it. I feel so trapped and confined and isolated and alone.

  • #2
    re: 16, Questioning & I Want to Run Away

    Hey there,

    It sounds like you are really contemplating and thinking about a lot surrounding your sexuality and preference. You're not alone in how you're feeling. A lot of young people your age have some of the same questions and thoughts you are having. That's completely understandable that you want to get away from that, even if that means you would be on your own. It sounds like you have put some thought into running away, and you are aware of what could happen if you leave. Here at NRS we are non-directive so we won't tell you what is best for you to do in this situation. You seem really resourceful and capable of making the best decision for yourself.

    From what you shared, your family isn't very accepting of who you really are, or who you are figuring yourself out to be. That must be extremely frustrating to be in a situation where not many people support you. You mentioned that you don't really have someone to talk to about it. There are a couple resources that you can use if you need someone to listen. The first one is called the GLBT national hotline. They have a website you can check out, but for immediate assistance their number is 1-888-843-4564. You can also reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. They can talk or chat with you no matter what your situation is, and you don't have to be feeling like you want to harm yourself.

    If you need to, you can always contact us directly at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). Lastly, please note that we offer a live chat via our website at www.1800runaway.org every day from 4:30p to 11:30p CST.

    Take care and stay safe,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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