Wishing To Leave

[Unregistered]

Hey there.

I'm 17 years old, I turn 18 in June. Throughout my life I have been depressed. There are people in my life I am pretty sure I wouldn't still be here without them. Last year my Father was asked to move out because he was finally caught cheating, he'd been cheating since far before they got married. My Grandpa also died last year, and I lost the car he gave me as I spun off the road. I met a guy online and fell head over heels, and then he left me. With the depression I was already fighting to overcome I felt like I spun out of control. I started cutting, just enough to see blood and no deeper. My mom found out a couple weeks later and I was made to talk to my youth leaders, I hated doing so but it helped for a while. No it feels like Mom's forgotten about it, she hardly asks if im okay anymore, even after I confessed to her about how I've always felt and how I'm different than most people it feels like me admiting to the truth about me has changed nothing.

I've been struggling recently. I thought I was getting better but the truth is, my mind is getting better at hiding my feelings from me. I'm the type of person who stuffs things down and locks them away, to the extent that I don't even realize that I'm doing it. I once told myself I'd never cut, and I did. I've told myself I'd never kill myself, never run away, and I'm afraid I might do one...or both.

My depression has gotten to the point that if I'm feeling really depressed and hurting I won't drive anywhere. I don't trust myself not to drive off the road...on purpose. It's gotten to the point that I can't interact normally with my family, they don't get how I feel and I can't make them.

I'm so tempted to start cutting again, even if it isnt very deep it gives me pleasure to know im in charge of that pain, and its not being inflicted unwillingly on me.

Recently, I've been realizing its home that's causing a lot of the pain here too. I'm safe, my family loves me, I just cant deal with them. The memories of when life was fine haunts me, and I feel like I can't find myself, or be myself. My sisters are mean, verbally abusive. My Mom couldn't be more wonderful, but she doesn't understand me.

Is there a place I can go if I run away? I have no relatives to go to. They wouldn't understand.

I feel like I'm alone.

I have a truck, so potentially I could live out of it but I don't want to take it with me, I don't think my mom would but if she filed a stolen vehicle complain id be brough it with it...I can't come back...


Is there a place I can go?


Thank you....


-Desperate

[ccsmod0]

RE: Wishing to leave

Hello there,
Thank you for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We are here to help you during this time and provide you with support.

It sounds like you have really been dealing with a lot lately. We are sorry to hear that you are having such a challenging time at home, to where you have had suicidal thoughts. You do not deserve to be mistreated and should not have to feel this way. One great resource available to you is the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-TALK). They have trained counselors that can talk with you further about your situation and be there for you during this time. If you are not comfortable reaching out via phone, they also have a 24/7 chat service available.

It sounds like you are thinking about running away. Since this is something you are considering. Here are a few questions that you may want to consider:
• Do I have a place to stay?
• Am I going to be gone awhile or coming back in a few days?
• What would I do for money? Shelter? Food? Transportation?
• Who can I depend on if I leave home?
• Do I have a safe, solid plan?
• What is my plan b in case my first plan doesn’t work?

We are glad we are a resource that comes to mind in this time of crisis. We want you to know that we are here to listen and to help in the best way that we can. It also seems like there is a lot going on with your family, if you are able to give us a call or chat with us we would be able to explore your situation a little further with you.

Our lines are available 24/7, this is the fastest method you would be able to get in touch with us. We are more than willing to listen to your situation and help in the best way that we can. Our number is 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929), we also have a live chat program, it seems like that would work best since you are unable to get to a phone. As we mentioned, we would be more than happy to talk about your situation and see what the best way that we can help you is. We wish you the best of luck and hope to get your call or chat soon.

Best,

NRS