I want to leave.

[Unregistered]

I'm not quite sure how to put this all in here, but I'll try. I'm 16 - turning 17 in a few days. I feel this is honestly my last resort. I've been horrible lately. This year, I'm a junior and I honestly don't know what happened. I was a really smart kid in middle school, and then everything sort of changed when I transferred to a different high school. Ever since then everything about me changed. My grades dropped significantly. I went from a straight A student to struggling with F's. I was great with attendance and now, I have about 33 absences and 11 tardies. The school is calling home asking why I'm gone all the time. I'm tired. I cant get up. I'm suicidal. When I'm absent at school I hide in my room with the door locked or else my mom will beat me for not going to school on time. Everything seems so simple but hard to do. My mom, man, she use to be so proud of me. "Wow, this is amazing! Just keep doing your best." She would tell me in middle school. Now its, "You're a loser. You're going to end up living under a bridge. No ones ever going to want you. You're a loser. I wish I didn't have you." It's weird. My cutting problem got worse. I'd started cutting my thighs in freshmen year so no one would notice. Now, I'm back to cutting my wrists and wearing long sleeves. Long time ago (middle school), I tried opening up because my doctor asked me what was wrong. I told the doctor how I felt about school and simple things (I didnt tell her about my cutting problem) and my doctor simply told me I shouldn't feel this way because other people have it worse. So I decided not to open up anymore about my problems. Last year, every single time I'd be under severe stress, I'd cry it out, to get rid of the pain. Now, I can't really cry anymore. Everything is stuck inside me. The stress just keeps building up. Everyone is disappointed in me. I'm having panic attacks. Recently my teachers called me in to talk to me. I tried keeping it together, but I had a panic attack and cried. After that I was refereed to counseling but I had to get a permission slip signed. I gave it to my dad and it's been like two months now and he hasn't signed it. My yelled at me and asked me why I 'm like this. "Just be positive and stop being so negative and lazy." I feel so stupid. Everyone is disappointed in me. Everyone sees my as some problematic child. I just want to take a bus so no one has to see me anymore. Maybe out of state to see my sister. I was thinking I could probably get pretty far with some cash I have from birthdays.

[ccsmod4]

Reply: I want to leave

Hello,
Thanks for contacting the National Runaway Safeline.

We are glad that you reached out tonight in an effort to talk about what has been going on with you. Good for you. It takes courage and strength to lay it all out there. Good job.
It sounds like things were going along well but then took a turn downward and you have been spiraling ever since. That’s tough. You are right about sometimes things can look so simple but yet can be most difficult to navigate through.
It also sounds like you liked the feeling of what appeared to be your moms pride in your achievements. She seemed to encourage and praise your success.
That support seems to have waned during your time of crisis.
That’s too bad. You still deserve that encouragement. Sometimes it’s when things are not going according to plan that support and encouragement might make a great difference to someone. What do you feel about that?

Words can be harsh and hurtful especially coming from someone close to you.
When you think about it you might wonder what their motivation is. for the person saying negative things about you. Do they somehow believe that by saying these things it will somehow inspire someone to do better? Hmm you’re right it is weird.
So how do you try and right this wrong? One option might be to try and have a conversation and discuss the issues that are important to you.

You mentioned that your cutting got worse as a freshmen in High School.
Things started to change when you transferred High Schools.
Trying to adjust to change can be difficult sometimes and it would be understandable that changing schools, leaving friends and trying to make new ones might be quite challenging for some. How did you feel about leaving your old school?
We understand that when you tried to open up but it was not met with the empathy you might have hoped for you are now discouraged to do so again.
Try not to give up because your feelings are important.

Unfortunately not everyone has good supportive skills.
That’s not your fault and it does not mean that one person’s poor response holds well for everyone.
Just contacting NRS says you felt you are worth a try to express yourself. You found another outlet. Good for you. Good job.

It’s unfortunate that your father has not signed the papers needed for you to start counseling.
What about your mom, would she sign?

There are other positive outlets you might consider in the meantime.
Here are a couple of referrals you might consider as an alternative to cutting.

To Write Love on Her Arms is an online support services for those who self-harm.

https://www.twloha.org

http://www.crisistextline.org/ (an online 24hr crisis counseling service)

You are welcome to call 1-800-Runaway (786-2929) or try our live chat service at www.1800Runaway.org
How does that sound?

You are not stupid nor are you any of those negative things you have been told.
We understand that you might be feeling that getting away might be an option.
We hope you continue to reach out and be safe.

Take Care,
NRS