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Can't handle living with my grandmother anymore, can I call CPS?

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  • Can't handle living with my grandmother anymore, can I call CPS?

    I'm 15 years old and I live with my grandmother and her boyfriend, who moved in a few months ago. I can't remember a lot of my childhood, but what I can remember is a lot of fighting and yelling. She would yell at me constantly and physically punish me for seemingly no reason. There was an instance I remember clearly when I ran into my room crying after something she said and she came in and laughed at me, and started taking pictures of me. There was a time when I was in a kiddy pool in our yard and she called me fat. One time, at the bus stop, she called me a whore, slut, etc. I was in third grade at the time. I've always felt like a worthless person and I've tried to take my life three times but I've never gotten anywhere with it. Around 2009, I developed a self-harm habit that stuck with me into adolescence. With the help of my boyfriend, I haven't harmed myself for a year. When I tried to tell her growing up that I wanted to die constantly, she told me I was lying. That I only wanted medicine, or I wanted to be like my cousin, who's bipolar. I was also exposed to my mother being beaten by her husband, and every holiday is nothing but an argument. She stopped hitting me when I started standing up for myself, but she still yells constantly and criticises my decisions. As a result of being exposed to yelling, I believe, I panic whenever someone yells at me. Yesterday, my boyfriend came to see me for Thanksgiving. I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend because he makes me feel like I'm still loved and appreciated, and being around my grandmother makes me feel as if she hates me and honestly wants me to die. When I told her he was coming in, she yelled at me and said " I'll be damned if you stay over there all the time! " and we got into an argument. I've got a really bad habit of physically threatening people when they argue with me, so I said " if you don't stop, I'm going to hit you ", and I feel like I'm a reflection of her, and that makes me feel gross. When I said that, my uncle began yelling at me. At first, I could handle it, but then he said things like " She's been so good to you and you treat her like that! " and I lost it. I started shaking and crying and I couldn't breathe, and I was hyperventilating. He wouldn't stop, so I started screaming uncontrollably, and he just said " Scream! Maybe it'll make you better! " My mom escorted me to her room until I calmed down but I couldn't stop crying until about an hour later. I hate that I react that way, but I just feel a resurgence of all those emotions I felt as a kid. I had a therapist last summer, but my grandmother hated taking me there, often complained, and even forced me to miss two appointments. Eventually, they stopped taking me and closed my case. I often feel as if I have no emotions or am disconnected from the world I live in. I often think about killing myself in order to get away from my grandmother and her constant yelling and criticism. She bad-mouths my boyfriend constantly, but he's the only one who makes me feel like I'm actually worth something. She said today that my uncle threatened to call on me and have me sent away because I've grown aggressive and defiant, but I hate that she acts like I can't see my boyfriend anymore because he makes me happy, and more than anything, I don't want my happiness ripped away from me. I don't listen to her rules because they're unreasonable and only put in place because she wants someone to control, and I happen to be the only one available. My mom left yesterday, and it's always like this when she leaves. When she's here, my grandmother treats her terribly. She had my mother sent away as a child, but I'm not like my mother. I do not do drugs, drink alcohol, or sneak out of the house, but I've been very tempted to either die or run away. I told her today that I would call someone about this if she tried to have someone called on me, and I told her it'd be worse on her when they hear about everything she's put me through. She told me that she would tell them that I was lying," just like my mom did as a kid ". I can't handle living here anymore, it's interfering with my ability to concentrate at school and I constantly feel on edge and anxious, or just blank and disconnected. I want mental help but I know I can't ask my grandmother because she won't do anything. She also has a learning disability and I believe that she has an immature viewpoint of the world. She only cares about one person: her boyfriend. I'm sorry for the lengthy message, but I want to call CPS and I've dialed the number to the point where I've memorised it, but I'm very terrified to press " call " and I know that if I don't do something, she will, and she'll make my life H***. Thank you for your time.
    Last edited by ccsmod3; 11-26-2015, 02:30 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Can't handle living with my grandmother anymore, can I call CPS?

    Hi there, Thanks for reaching out to us here at NRS. I'm really sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. I imagine it is really tough to not feel comfortable in your own home. It sounds like you are very mature and very aware of your emotional health. That's a great characteristic to have. It also sounds like your boyfriend is a great source of support for you. If you don't feel safe in your home, you definitely have the right to call CPS. If you want to call us at 1800Runaway, we'd be happy to talk to you about making that call, and what the impact on your life might be. Maybe we could also talk about how to find you an alternate living situation. It sounds like you have a more positive relationship with your mom. Maybe there is a way you could live with her. It's good that you have tried counseling before. It sounds like that might be a good resource to explore. Maybe we could help you find a counselor that is closer to you. Or we could talk about online counseling resources. It's great that you are trying to find ways to help yourself. I'm really sorry to hear that you have thought of killing yourself, and that you've struggled with self harm. Please know that you can always call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. There is a great online resource for self-help called To Write Love on Her Arms at www.twloha.org Of course, we can always talk to you about any of the issues you're dealing with. We're here 24/7 at 1800Runway.org. Take care, NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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