my mother is cold to me

[Guest]

Sometimes I feel so hurt and confused by my mother because of how cold she is. She acts so nice to me one second, and then so cold and mean as if she has a grudge to me after. We have fought a lot before. As a child, my mother was always a warm guardian figure to me, but now I don’t know what she is anymore. Whenever I go to her for emotional support, she simply replies with “what is it” or “go away, I don’t know”. And this is only the first stage. When I turned 11, my mother started hitting me and once even said “go kill yourself” “I wish I never had you” and “other Asian kids get hit like this too, you can handle it”. After she hit me, I felt so betrayed by the warm mother figure that I could trust. I swore that I would not— absolutely never show any warmth to her in return. But she messed me up. To make sure I don’t go go school “without whining”, she would act so nice. I was so happy. Then whenever I came back from school because of anxiety and depression at the age of 12, she would yell at me, and would confuse me again. I didn’t know if I could trust her anymore. So I acted out— I rejected her when she was being nice to me, and eventually I would feel lonely and in need of support, resulting me going to my mother again for comfort. Whenever that time came, she would be apathetic. At the sight of seeing myself cry, she would just sit back— and drink her coffee. I hated the disgusting sight of this thing called my “mother” doing whatever she pleased, not even caring for me though she had promised “I’m your mother. Mother wants best for their child. I love you, obviously”. She had stopped hitting me, after 4-5 major physical hitting towards me when I was diagnosed with depression. After I took the medicine and eventually ended the medicine at the age of 13, she confessed that she only stopped hitting me so I could “stop b*tching”. She acts so nice, then acts so cruel to me. She’s always so nice to my brother and then acts nice/cold to me. She hasn’t had any history with relationship problems, drinking, or drugs. I know that she never got a hug from her mother or comfort because her mother was always busy. I know that she always got punished for her sister’s wrongdoing. But does that justifies her doing similar things to me just because she experienced it? She has messed me up so much that I see myself change. My brother and dad have even said that I’m becoming more like her— rejecting others, acting cold, and the constant mood change. I would be happy from one to extremely mad then sad to the point where all I can think of is how to make my arms bleed- my head pounding and breaths short. Then after some minutes, I’d be back to normal. I never bother to solve the problem— because I’m back to normal, after all. But during those brief hard times, it drives me crazy and my relationship with my mother will never be stable. It repeats again and again and again.

[ccsmod6]

Hello there,

Thank you for reaching out to NRS and having the strength to share your story with us. We understand that it must have taken a lot of courage to reach out and we want to commend you for your bravery. Home should be a place of safety, love and comfort, and you do not deserve to be treated this way.

You are valuable and people care deeply for your safety. And while it sounds like you have been in contact with mental healthcare professionals, we also would like to give you a resource: SAMHSA or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is available at 1-877-726-4727 or online at samhsa.gov. How your mother treats you says more about her own issues than it does about you as a person.

You also mentioned some instances of self-harm. Your feelings are completely valid and deserving of attention. Other coping mechanisms could include listening to music, engaging in a physical activity, journaling, talking with loved ones, or anything else that could provide you with a release.

You mentioned some instances of physical abuse. While emotional trauma can be difficult to work through, Child Help could be a good resource for learning more about the abuse reporting process and what it would entail, if you felt comfortable; they can be reached at 1-800-422-4453 or online at childhelp.org.

If you would like to talk about other resources and support, such as safety planning, feel free to call our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or use our Live Chat.
We hope this information was helpful and take care.
National Runaway Safeline
[email protected] (Crisis Email)
1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)