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  • Feeling Lost

    Hello, I am 19 years old and have been seriously depressed for a long time now.
    I have been being abused physically by my mother fir a very long time (since I was 5 years old). She stopped hitting me for a few years after one time when she threw a plate at me and it left me with a scar on my leg. I never told anyone because I was afraid. Things were good for the short amount of time that she stopped hitting me, but for some reason, she has decided to start again. She doesn't let me do anything for myself and gives me little to no encouragement when it comes to me doing something with my life. I am in college and make very good grades, but last semester I got a couple of C's in two of my classes and she started telling me that I am not smart or good enough at anything and will have no future. She is also very good at putting me down emotionally and verbally, calling me names that a mother should never call her child as well as making fun of my physical appearance on a daily basis. I couldn't even get through my birthday a few months ago without her telling me I look like trash and no guy would ever want to take a second glance at me.
    I started cutting myself a few years ago and I like to think im very good at hiding it. Either my mother doesn't notice, or doesn't care because there have been several times when she has asked me about a more recent scar and I lie and tell her that it cut myself cooking or something and she just ignores it. She either buys into my lies, or doesn't care if I hurt myself. Ive thought a lot about suicide, but in the end, all I want is to run away. I would just really like some help.
    Thank you

  • #2
    re: Feeling Lost

    Hi there,

    We are really glad you reached out to us today, it is very brave to look for help. It sounds like you have been living in a really stressful situation with your mother for a long time which can be exhausting. It seems as if you have been struggling to understand how your mother feels about you and why she treats you the way she does, which can be an overwhelming amount of emotion.

    Sometimes when people are feeling overwhelmed and like they want to hurt themselves, it can be really important for that person to reach out for support. Thinking through who you might be able to reach out to might be an important next step for you. Have you considered talking to someone at college about your mother’s abuse? Have you considered telling your mother about your suicidal thoughts and asking her to stop the abuse? If you decide to runaway, do you have money and a way to continue your education? If you want to talk to someone else about your suicidal feelings you could call the National Suicide Hotline at 1800 273 TALK. Also, there is a website where you might be able to find local help for your cutting – https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/ (To Write Love on Her Arms).

    We are very pleased to hear from you. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of pressure from your mother and college with a lot strength and grace.

    We look forward to your call or chat.

    Best of luck to you,

    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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