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  • I don't know what to do anymore

    So for starters, a little introduction/backstory.

    My name is ****, I live in Tennessee, I just turned 17, I have depression & an anxiety disorder (I'm not medicated for either), and I'm FTM (female to male) transgender. I have a signifigant other who is essentially the only person that supports me and keeps me sane. They're gender nonbinary, but they are biologically the same sex as I am.
    I am not out of the closet. My emotionally abusive mother died last year, which is another story for another time. Since my mother died, my dad has become increasingly religious. Lately (as in, since around August) he has become EXTREMELY religious, to the point of insisting on praying with me several times a day, yelling at me if & when I refuse to go to church (I don't go because it makes me uncomfortable & I am an athiest) and he forces me to stay in the room with him to watch Christian programs on the TV, which also makes me extremely uncomfortable. He's also hardcore into the belief that the world is going to end any minute now, and has drilled that concept into my head since I was very, very young. Because of how I was raised, religion in general makes me uncomfortable and can even give me anxiety attacks, so I try to avoid the topic as best I can, but living with him, it's nearly impossible.

    Also as of late (especially with the legalization of same-sex marriage nationwide) both he and his mother (my grandmother, she comes up to our house during the school week to take me to school since I can't drive) have been on my case about being gay & trans. They won't outright say it, but they'll hint at it and verbally beat me down about it. For instance, I dress pretty masculine & wear a chest binder to combat my dysphoria. My grandmother has several times commented that I should "dress more like a girl.", sometimes following the remark with "You ARE a girl, aren't you?" As well as plenty other insults like that.

    I also have next to no privacy. I have to regularly clear out my electronics (My laptop, my phone) of the browsing history as well as any messages, particularly with my significant other. My dad likes to check my electronics because he believes that I watch "evil things" that "invite demons into my life" (I assume he's referring to porn, but I honestly have no idea) Also as of late, he's been taking up any sort of media I consume that he doesn't approve of. It can be the slightest thing, but he reads too far into it and declares it "Satanic", before taking it away from me and either hiding it or throwing it away.

    My significant other has helped as much as they can, but I haven't seen them since August, and we barely get to text because I'm still in school and they have a job. They graduated earlier this year, so they're a year older than me. This has also contributed to my depression.

    Because of how my dad has been acting lately, I have been living in a constant state of fear and anxiety. My grades in all of my classes, even the ones I enjoy, have dropped significantly. There is no reasoning with neither him nor his mother, I've tried but ultimately the conversation leads to "I'm right because I'm the adult and you are the child." I have a year until I turn 18, but things have been getting worse on an almost daily basis, and I'm honestly really scared. I have either an anxiety attack or an emotional meltdown at least twice a week because of how stressed he's making me feel.

    I've looked into being emancipated, but my father is extremely overprotective as I'm sure you would imagine, and he wants to keep me at home as much as possible. Because you have to have parental permission to be emancipated, this is impossible for me. I've also looked into running away, but the only thing I'm worried about for that is the potential of getting someone else into trouble. Ideally, I would move in with my significant other, or another close friend, but I don't want them to face fines or even jail time for harboring a runaway. I don't have any trusted adults in my life that could understand my situation, let alone help me, and I feel like I'm at the end of a quickly-fraying rope.
    I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just know I can't stand to live here for another year.

  • #2
    re I don't know what to do anymore

    Hi, thank you for reaching out to us here at the National Runaway Safeline. From what you shared with us, it seems that you are going through a lot at home right now. It is absolutely not fair for you to feel unsupported and unsafe at home. We are glad that you reached out to us, as we are here to listen and here to help.

    You mentioned that you have been experiencing frequent panic attacks as a result of your father and grandmother not approving of your life choices and subjecting you to their opinions and beliefs. It is completely understandable that you would want to leave this type of environment. You mentioned that you have tried talking to your father about what is going on. Would you be open to explore this option again? Here at NRS, we offer a conference calling service where you would be able to initiate a conversation between you and your father to try and talk about what is going on at home and see if there is a way that a compromise could be met, such as allowing you to move out of home. We could help mediate that conversation. Sometimes just being able to talk can be a way to open up the lines of communication and see the best way that everyone can compromise. If this is something that you might want to look into, please feel free to reach out to us at our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929).

    It seems that you are doing your best to cope with everything that you are experiencing. Emotional distress can be overwhelming and you don’t have to experience this alone. If you would like additional support, one helpful resource is the Trans Lifeline, 1-877-565-8860. They are dedicated to the wellbeing of transgender people, staffed by transgender people for transgender people. Sometimes talking to someone who has experienced similar things that you have is a great way to get support and guidance with what you are going through. You can also visit their website to get a better idea of the services they provide at http://hotline.translifeline.org/.

    We want you to know that you do have options. We’re sorry that you had to endure these difficult experiences at home. If you would like to talk further about your situation and explore more options, please do not hesitate to call or chat with us. Here at NRS, we have a database of resources, such as shelters and other services that could be of interest to you and that we would be happy to share. You can reach us at our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). Our live chat service is available from 4:30 PM to 11:30 PM CST and could be accessed through our website, http://www.1800runaway.org/. We wish you the best of luck and hope to hear from you soon.

    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm lost help

      I'm bisexual and my dad doesn't think it's right... He also doesn't approve of me dressing emo/gothic... He always says little insults that hint on who I am. What should I do... Should I be who I really am or change just to stop him!

      Comment


      • #4
        RE: I'm lost help

        Hello,

        Thanks for reaching out to us on our online forum. It sounds like you are in a really tough situation with your dad. We are sorry to hear that your father is not supportive of you. You deserve respect for your sexual identity. It sounds like you really value self-expression, and your dad does not approve of you wearing emo and goth clothes. That sounds really hurtful and it is understandable that you are having a hard time. If you need to talk, we are here for you. You don’t deserve to be insulted for being yourself. If you need to talk, we are here for you 24/7. Another helpful resource if you need someone to talk to is the Trevor Project, another hotline for LGBT youth. Check out http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ or call 1-866-488-7386. We are here to listen and support you in any way that we can. We are looking forward to hearing from you soon, and wish you the best of luck.
        Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

        National Runaway Safeline
        [email protected] (Crisis Email)
        1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

        Tell us what you think about your experience!
        https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

        Comment

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