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hi, my name is jess. for years upon years i have endured my abusive mother's tactics of making me feel like i am the scum of the earth. she has never had empathy towards me, and leads me to believe she never will (nor towards anyone else). she has been physically abusive in my past (i got cps involved when i was 13, now she'll be arrested if she dares to leave a mark on me again. shes been verbally abusive aaaaall of my life. even to my dad, whom told me that he only stayed with her because he wanted to take care of me--but she ended up leaving him and taking me when i was in kindergarten. and that was that.
i guess i just need some support right now. i'm not gonna sugarcoat anything, and sure, this sounds typical and cliche, but i'm just being honest here; i have clinical major depression (i have since elementary), severe anxiety (especially socially because of the scars my mom has left on my ego), ptsd (from a traumatic past), and newly diagnosed BPD (borderline personality disorder...if you don't know what that is, i'll explain. in a nutshell, it is called 'borderline' pd because you're on the border of sanity and psychosis.). everything listed has been diagnosed by my psychiatrist. i currently take zoloft (150 mg) and trazodone (200 mg) for insomnia. i used to take lexapro, but even after increasing the dosage so many times, i did not help me at all. the same goes for the zoloft. this doesn't leave me with many options or much hope. my psychiatrist is thinking of putting me on antipsychotics as a last resort if my antidepressants continue to fail me.
truth is, if i was out of this environment, i know my sadness would gradually fade. i am only happy when i am away from her. i could try to explain the mental torture to you all, but only someone with a parent w/ narcissistic personality disorder would truly understand. i'm thinking of moving in with my half-sister for a while until i've saved enough money to move out. by then, hopefully my boyfriend will be back from chicago (he's 24, currently working in a power plant) and we'll be able to find a place together. and hey, i know you'll think im crazy for being with someone about 7 years older, but truly, i believe i am an old soul. i cannot relate or connect with anyone in my age range. they simply don't understand me, the way i think, etc. -- but thats okay. i have 2 friends and they're all i really need right now. at least they accept me.
i have applied to over 50 jobs in the past month and have had no response. just my luck, though, in my little town, most people get jobs because they're friends or friends of friends of employees at the establishment. great, right? what do i do lol? i have no connections. anyway, my point is, if i get a job, i would maaajorly save, and maybe i can make it out by 17 due to emancipation of a minor.
i hope someone responds to this. anything helps. and i hope anyone who can relate to my situation finds comfort in the fact that they are not alone. you're loved here. xx
i guess i just need some support right now. i'm not gonna sugarcoat anything, and sure, this sounds typical and cliche, but i'm just being honest here; i have clinical major depression (i have since elementary), severe anxiety (especially socially because of the scars my mom has left on my ego), ptsd (from a traumatic past), and newly diagnosed BPD (borderline personality disorder...if you don't know what that is, i'll explain. in a nutshell, it is called 'borderline' pd because you're on the border of sanity and psychosis.). everything listed has been diagnosed by my psychiatrist. i currently take zoloft (150 mg) and trazodone (200 mg) for insomnia. i used to take lexapro, but even after increasing the dosage so many times, i did not help me at all. the same goes for the zoloft. this doesn't leave me with many options or much hope. my psychiatrist is thinking of putting me on antipsychotics as a last resort if my antidepressants continue to fail me.
truth is, if i was out of this environment, i know my sadness would gradually fade. i am only happy when i am away from her. i could try to explain the mental torture to you all, but only someone with a parent w/ narcissistic personality disorder would truly understand. i'm thinking of moving in with my half-sister for a while until i've saved enough money to move out. by then, hopefully my boyfriend will be back from chicago (he's 24, currently working in a power plant) and we'll be able to find a place together. and hey, i know you'll think im crazy for being with someone about 7 years older, but truly, i believe i am an old soul. i cannot relate or connect with anyone in my age range. they simply don't understand me, the way i think, etc. -- but thats okay. i have 2 friends and they're all i really need right now. at least they accept me.
i have applied to over 50 jobs in the past month and have had no response. just my luck, though, in my little town, most people get jobs because they're friends or friends of friends of employees at the establishment. great, right? what do i do lol? i have no connections. anyway, my point is, if i get a job, i would maaajorly save, and maybe i can make it out by 17 due to emancipation of a minor.
i hope someone responds to this. anything helps. and i hope anyone who can relate to my situation finds comfort in the fact that they are not alone. you're loved here. xx
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