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Confused and kind of angry

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  • Confused and kind of angry

    Hey. This is my first time on this website but I didn't know where else to go for advice.

    I'm 19 and home for summer from college, but I really don't like being here. My family has had problems far back as I can remember, and while I've tried to see past them I've gotten more and more sick of being around any of my family members. I've never had close friends, just study buddies, and my extended family lives across the country and tries to stay out of our business. My mom is very overprotective/strict and I'm very obedient. I can't do anything or go anywhere without her permission, so my life has been pretty much just school, home, repeat. My dad has been out of the picture for 4 years now. He's made it extremely clear the he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, but makes efforts to keep in touch with my other siblings. He's been against me since I was very young and has always favored them, although I don't know what I did that ticked him off as a child. We've been having financial trouble off-n-on for the past few years as well, with health insurance, school, and sometimes food being affected the most. On top of this, one of my siblings has had anorexia for the past 5 years now and she's been hospitalized for months a couple of times. Somewhere between then and now, during one of our insurance-less periods, I was diagnosed with panic disorder and depression but didn't get much help. Since my sister was still recovering, and I'm the oldest child, I was scolded by my parents and her for adding to the problems when I should be fixing them. My mom walks on egg shells around my sis and takes her anger out on me (verbally, never physically). Meanwhile, I've managed to keep up good grades and stay oddly optimistic, and I think I turned out pretty nice considering whatever the heck my family life was. I went off to college out of state (another problematic point I won't go into) and my mental health improved SO MUCH. I really needed to get away from the family drama. Being back now, I can't stand the way my family treats me. I help more than I need to around the house and offer myself endlessly when my siblings or mom need support. I try to reach out to them and spend quality time since I'm not there much anymore, but nobody seems to want me around. Despite my kindness, they're bitter towards me and don't hesitate to point out random flaws of mine. I don't feel wanted or loved here, and I want to get out ASAP. I've told my mom how I feel because she's all I've got, but she never takes me seriously - she says I just want attention, that I'm just whining. Well, of course I want attention, I'm being ignored by my entire family after being alone for 9 months. All I've done since I got here is buy grocery and clean the house. Nobody seems to notice that I'm trying to connect with them, or that I might need some support myself. I've never considered running away before because I've never been angry at these types of situations, only sad. But I think I deserve to be at least welcomed in my home, or have someone who genuinely enjoys my existence. I never really got to be a kid and I feel like that insecurity is catching up with me now. I don't know what to do. I don't want to run away because I'm not sure how to live. I've never been allowed to get a job or take a trip on my own. My mom also tracks my phone, so I can't go very far. Running away isn't reasonable, but it's something I think of doing every day. I'm angry all the time, and I'm afraid that I'm going to break under the pressure. I exercise, sleep, eat well, and try to take care of myself as best as I can, but I really want to get away - get and actual BREAK - before school starts back up again. I'm not sure how to take a vacation, or how to deal with my anger towards my family. I feel like they've all turned against me, and I don't have anybody rooting for me. I've always felt that I'm too nice - too much of a doormat - and that I'm taken for granted by everybody in my life. I want some real friends, people who really want to be with me and really like me. I don't know what to do or how to change. But something needs to change cuz I'm done with just going with the stupid flow. How can I fix my family relationships? How can I make real friends? How can I at least step out of the house without freaking out my mom? Ranting here has helped a bit, though, so thanks to anybody who read this. Any advice or anything would be nice. Thanks so much!

  • #2

    Thanks so much for reaching out! It sounds like the way your family is neglecting your effort to help out and connect is really stressful, and you’re feeling a lot of pressure at home. It’s totally normal to think about running away under circumstances like that. That having been said it’s really great that you have such a broad perspective on things, and that you’ve been able to stay optimistic! That’s a great strength to have.

    It’s good to hear that college has been so good for you. You could think about some things that have made you so happy there, and if there’s a way to do some of that now that you’re at home. For example, maybe there are things around town that you think you’d enjoy doing, that wouldn’t upset your mother too much. It sounds like you feel a little better out of the house sometimes. As a 19 year-old you’re legally an adult (unless you live in Mississippi) so you shouldn’t worry about any legal issues with that.

    At school, a lot of people meet friends in clubs and other extra-curriculars. And at home, it sounds like you’re already putting a lot of work into this, which is really admirable. Especially at home, you’re doing a really good thing by trying to talk to your mom about things, even if she isn’t responsive.

    We’d always be happy to talk through things further, either in this forum, over chat or over the phone (you can call us at 1-800-786-2929). We’re here to respond 24/7, and we’re completely confidential. If you want help dealing with your anger towards your family, NAMI is a great organization that has support groups in different areas (for anger and other issues) – you can call them at 1-800-950-6264. It sounds like you’re thinking through things really well, which is great – you’re on the right track and we’d be happy to talk if you want more help!

    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!


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