I can’t stand it anymore.

[Guest]

I can’t stand it anymore. I want to die.
I first imagined dying when I was 6 years old, I imagined me killing myself and everybody being so happy and celebrating my death. I still feel I want to kill myself and my family has been making that so much worse. I have enough problems during school, I don’t need to come home everyday having my family make it worse for me. It’s summer now and I can’t handle it at all.
My thoughts of killing myself are becoming stronger and stronger. I at least want to run away, but I don’t know what I would do after I leave my house. I’m lost, and confused, and broken, and wanting to die more than ever. Please help.

[ccsmod11]

Hi there,

Thanks so much for reaching out to us today. It sounds like you're having a lot of problems at home and with your mental health and we hope we can help.

Because you mention suicide, there are some specific resources we would like to point you in the direction of. Firstly, we would like to invite you to call us about any of the issues you mention here, as well as any other mental health struggles you are enduring. We can provide you support and brainstorm other coping strategies that are healthier than death by suicide would be. We also can help you look up mental health service providers that exist in your area; you also can do this by using findtreatment.samhsa.gov. There, you can find service providers, as well as information about what payment methods they accept, which services they provide, and in what settings they provide services. We also encourage you to reach out to friends as sources of support in these difficult times. Friends often can help make you feel less alone with the problems you face, as they can empathize with you and provide you support. Additionally, you may want to try to engage in other activities you enjoy, such as art-making, journaling, sports, or anything else you love in order to occupy your time with something other than thoughts of suicide. If you would like our direct help, call us at 1-800-786-2929, or use our chat service available on our website, 1800runaway.org.

We are able to help you find resources that can try to keep you safer in the event you leave home, and we can help you assess your plan for running away to ensure that your plan is not dangerous. We also can provide you support during what certainly sounds like a trying time for you. Again, just call us for our service.

Best,
NRS

[Guest]

I have a few questions. (I have no idea how this site works so ill post it here) I am so confused I'm 13 and it's confusing trying to find myself espically with my family who are making it harder. I'm trying to figure out my sexuality gender and religon, and I'm a girl with a girlfriend. My parent kind of know but her mom knows.i also know that I'm not exactly cis gender and I'm scared on how to tell that to my family. Me and my parents are clearly the put casts to our entire family, grandparents aunts and uncles and cousins, and that mixed with me being forced into Doing things that are uncomfortable have given me panic attacks and a little depression

i have started hurting myself worse than I have when I stated at age five. I have a counsler but I know if I tell her that she will tell my parents and I can't call anyone because my parents overhear and moniter every conversation I have. I'm scared of them and want to live with my girlfriend and her mom because both are so nice and accepting, but then we'd be the real life fosters. I know that most people have it much worse than I do, but I'm just scared.

Also so there's the fact that my parents are both Christians and are forcing me to go to church and do things for god eveyday. I know that I am most certainly not a christen, as I don't believe in god, but I think I might be buddhist, but I love music and the sex thing doesn't really apply to me. My gf is Wiccan which would cause some controversy between her and my parents (my parents already hate her and her mom because her mom didn't pass her back ground check and they think that they're a bad influence on me).

There is also the fact that I have prepared to runaway for years I'm just too scared to do it, I want to do things but it feels like ropes are tying me down and I want to get rid of them. It feels like my parents are the ropes. It also doesn't help that my dad has anger issues and sometimes hurts me. My parents both feed my anxiety and sense of uselessness. I have even more questions but I don't know how to ask them and u just wish that everything could be answered. Help

[ccsmod7]

Hello! Thank you reaching out! It sounds like you are going through a lot right now and it takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help. Trying to figure out who you are can be a difficult process especially if you don’t feel support from your family in that journey. Your ability to pursue your truth despite the obstacles in your way shows a lot of personal strength!

It sounds like this whole process is causing you a lot of anxiety. There are a lot of resources for young people exploring their gender and sexuality. You can call the LBGT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564. You can also call the LGBT National Youth Hotline at 1-800-246-7743. These hotlines can help you talk through your confusion in finding yourself. But remember that you are perfect the way you are, love is love, and the way you identify is the most important thing!
It sounds like there isn’t a lot of trust in your relationship with your counselor. It doesn’t seem like you have anyone you can go to talk openly and honestly. If you haven’t considered it yet, you might look into getting another counselor or other mental health help. One website that helps people struggling to recover from depression and self-hurting is To Write Love On Her Arms, their website is www.twloha.com. They can offer some resources that can help you with your mental health. With all of this anxiety, you might consider finding an activity that helps you take care of yourself. Maybe something creative or athletic?

Figuring out your religion can be another hard path to travel alone, especially when you family is a religion that you don’t identify with. You might think about talking to your parents about your religious exploration.
It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into the possibility of running away and are still strongly considering it. That is understandable when you feel so constrained and so alienated. If you haven’t done it yet, you might consider making a plan to figure out where you might go and how you could get there. It’s awesome that you have such a supportive girlfriend and that her mom might provide you with a safe place to live. The fastest way to make that possible is to make get your parent’s permission.
It is not ok for anyone to hurt you or put their hands on you. You deserve to live in a place where you feel mentally and physically safe. You are not useless. You are important and incredibly strong. Even though some people may have it worse, this does not mean your struggle is not important or that your feelings aren’t valid.

It sounds like you still have a lot of questions and more things you want to talk about. We can talk to you more directly and answer more of your questions in depth if you call us. Our number 1-800-RUNAWAY is 24/7, confidential, and toll free. This means that if you don’t feel comfortable calling us from a phone your parents monitor, you can always call us for free from a pay phone.

We are so glad you reached out to us! Feel free to call us anytime! Good luck!

[Guest]

UPDATE: This is the same person who originally wrote here. I lost my mom’s trust yesterday. I’m not gonna say what happened, but now I can’t play outside, I can’t talk to friends, I can’t go to my room (I have to sleep with my parents), I might be homeschooled and I can’t watch YouTube or Netflix. There are shows and channels that help me through hard times a lot and they help me stay alive. My mom read my journal too. I’m honestly so angry. She keeps making me feel guilty and and that everything’s my fault, and I believe it. She also talks about depression, mental illness, and self harm, and it annoys me because she god into everything (I haven’t came out as an atheist). Anyways, I just needed to vent. Thank you for replying!

[ccsmod11]

Thank you for the update. It sounds like things are really hard and have been for awhile. You’ve been brave so far and what we hope is that you can call our hotline 24/7 at 1-800-RUNAWAY to help you talk things over and help you figure out a way to feel better and more in control of your situation and the way you feel. We hope you can begin to see hope knowing that we are here for you. You can also use our Live Chat service through the website 4:30 pm – 11:30 pm central time. We are here to listen and here to help and we really hope you’ll call.