A Rock and a Hard Place

[Guest]

I've come to the NRS on countless occasions to help me decide what to do because of my depression, wanting to runaway and cutting. That was about...two years ago I believe, and though I'm a very different person, I feel like I still have the same underlying issues from awhile ago. I don't cut anymore and the depression's not as bad, but for some odd reason, when I thought it had "gone away" it just came back.

Even though I've been homeschooling for five years now, I've made some pretty loyal friends through extra curricular activities and the internet. Though, whenever I discuss my past with them, even when one of them had the same issues, the first words that come out, "If you ever do that again, I'll fricken kill you and tell your mom." I know the "kill you" part is an exaggeration because they care about me, but it's like how I looked at my parents through out the whole predicament. I didn't trust them even though I loved them. And I hated myself for hurting them when I was cutting. The reason I cut was because I hated myself, not for attention as the psychologist had suggested. In the end, she showed me that my depression was linked to my teenage angst and selfishness. It doesn't mean that the mounting depression went away. It's come back for different reasons I have yet to find out why. It's really strange because I can't tell when I'm trying to "hide" when I'm sad or not. It's like the smiles and laughs are programmed so that my friends and family aren't worried. I can't tell if I'm actually getting better or not.

Recently my friend who is the closest to understanding my feelings, told me she wanted to commit suicide because she felt so depressed. It was like a massive blow to the head. And when her friends say, "Shut up, you don't know what's good for her" or when I tell them to leave her alone, "At least I was just trying to check up on a good friend" it makes my subconscious go into overdrive and I feel guilty because she's told me "You're the only one I trust"; and I don't want to say that to her other friends because that would make a mess.

Guilty or just failure in an activity goes to the guilt about my cutting, which goes to the depression and when I get depressed, "cut" comes to mind. I honestly don't want to, but now that I see how bad it is when I just get sad and self injury is first thought, I don't know who to go to.

I'm not sure if what I typed out really makes sense to anyone. Heck, it's hard for me to get it. But in words it's what I feel. And I really wish I knew how to fix it because it's really eating at me. So, if anyone has advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.

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Re: A Rock and a Hard Place

Thanks so much for writing in and sharing a little bit about what you are dealing with. You mentioned that you have used our services before and it’s nice to know that you feel safe coming to this forum and discussing how you’re feeling. It sounds like you have dealt with these feelings of depression for quite some time, but feel frustrated because they keep reoccurring within your life. You said that you had been cutting for some time but haven’t done so in a while, but sound nervous because you are getting that feeling to do so again. Was cutting a big coping mechanism for you? What other things help you deal with your feelings when situations get tough? Cutting is not any easy thing to stop doing and you should be very proud of yourself for being able to overcome that situation. It sounds like you realized it probably wasn’t good for you and that’s why you stopped, but there still may be times where you have the urge to do so again. Sometimes finding another method of coping that will work for you when you are feeling like cutting again can help.

You mentioned that you have some good friends that have been there for you, but don’t always respond well when you talk about feeling depressed or wanting to cut. Sometimes people, especially one’s that are close to you, have a hard time dealing with the fact that someone they care about so much can be hurting. People may often respond in anger or just shut down and not know what to say, even if they have dealt with similar feelings of there own. Are there other people that you have been able to talk to about how you are feeling? You mentioned seeing a psychologist before. Do you think it would help to speak with a psychologist or counselor? Where you ever diagnosed with having depression, and if so were you ever put on medication?

It’s frustrating because depression isn’t something that will just all of a sudden go away, as you probably know. Just like many things in life sometimes there will be good days and bad days. The main thing is trying to find ways that are going to help when you are having thoughts about cutting and being depressed. Sometimes finding coping skills that are going to work for you can take time, because it is definitely a personal thing and not everyone’s coping mechanism’s are the same. We know that you mentioned you have used our services before and you know we are always here to listen if you need to talk. You can always write in or give us a call anytime at 1-800-RUNAWAY. There is someone here 24 hours a day to listen, talk about options, and find resources if you need them. We are also completely confidential. In the meantime, stay safe, take care, and remember we are always here if you need us.