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Ok...this is somewhat of a long one, so please bear with me. My ex-wife and I split about 6 years ago. My son (who is now 14) has had emotional issues dating back several years (beginning about a year after our split). I got him into a therapist, and things seemed to get a little better. He went somewhat regularly for several years until the Dr. basically said he was "good to go". That was about 4 years ago.
To speed this up a little bit, I'm just going to put it bluntly. My ex has mental issues. I'm not just saying that to be mean, she went to a therapist for 4 years (2 years before we split, and 2 years after), and was supposed to be on medication for depression but couldn't afford it so she never took it. I feel that she is directly responsible for my son's issues, not because of heredity, but because she says "it's ok". She's never had him tested for depression, though she is more than happy to tell his teachers that SHE has a history of it, so HE probably does. SHE wasn't good in school, so it's ok for him to not try. Anytime he forgets to turn in (or even DO) his homework it's because the teachers didn't notify her that there was anything outstanding. Note, he was in a "special" program in 8th grade run by certified counselors who ALREADY were going the extra mile.
She is (self proclaimed, and happy to say it) his friend. I have been stuck being the parent through the last 6 years, and now my son wants nothing to do with me. He spent the summer with his mother, partly because he said he hated me and would run away if he was forced to come back to my house, and partly because I seriously needed a break. I wanted her to see what it is like having him all of the time, and having to make sure he is doing the right things and making the right decisions. From day one, regardless of who had him whatever week, he has been at my house every day after school. I remained in his school district in hopes to give him at least THAT stability. So every day I have to make sure he has his key to get in. Every day I have to make sure to pick up after he swarms through my house and cupboards. She has no concept, yet I get yelled at for "starving him". I monitor what he eats, yes. Snacks do not last long. I would buy enough for the week (yes, even on her weeks) and they would last 2 days.
Beginning about 4 years ago, my son started to realize he could find sexually explicit pictures on the internet. I had a LONG conversation with him about that. I am a very experienced IT professional, and explained to him then (and about 50 times since then) that there is nothing he is going to do on his computer that I'm not going to find out about. Yes, I put a keystroke logger on it. Yes, I monitored is internet history. Yes, I blocked sites he was going to if I found explicit material. Sometimes it was accidental, sometimes it was a "test". The "testing" has only gotten worse, but I digress. I have maintained this stance since the first time I found out what he was doing. I have communicated it with his mother about 100 times as well. I even went so far as to put a keystroke log in the laptop I gave him to use at her house. She never used to check the logs. She never used to block internet. She had no problem with him masturbating to stuff he found on the internet. He was free to have his laptop in his room, unsupervised, at all times. That changed about a year ago, becuase her ex-boyfriend found him doing IM at 4:30 in the AM on a school day. NOTE: 6 months prior to that, I had already told her that he was doing it. I had already busted him. But since it didn't happen at her house, there was nothing she was going to do about it. During that lapse (and even up till about 3 months ago) he would regularly "schedule" online orgies and whatnot for times when he was at his mother's house. He hated being at mine, cause I monitored everything. I told him regularly, that if he would just STOP trying to test me, then I would actually begin trusting him. It only got worse.
For more than 2 years she has freely had conversations with him about changing school districts. Conversations about emancipation. Conversations that I feel she really shouldn't have been having with him because neither of them even had a clue what either would entail. She was asked to move south for her job. I told her I would honestly consider her taking him, but I would have to understand the whole situation. Once again, she did not put any thought into it (except to talk to him for weeks about it...how nice it would be...all that). There was no job security. It would be a cut in pay. She owns a house already, and had not thought about what would happen to it. She would have absolutely NO support system there (aside from a 1/2 dozen people she's talked to on the phone for 2 years regarding work related stuff). And I'm the one that got blamed for "shooting it down".
One last bit of information. My girlfriend and I moved in together over 3 years ago (no, my divorce had absolutely NOTHING to do with her...we met two years after my ex and I split). She is currently my wife, married in May. I'm sure this hasn't really helped matters, but any attempts to talk to my son about it results in "I don't want to talk about it". She is a great woman. Very little drama. I'm the same way. I like to keep things simple. I spend a lot of time with my family.
My ex on the other hand hasn't spoken to anyone in her family for months. She hasn't talked to her brother in 3 years, and every time she talks to her mother it ends in an argument (sometimes physical). Her father, the only person I have any respect for in her immediate family has tried to intervene/mediate, but she won't listen. He agrees that my son is unmotivated and "spoiled", and that she is enabling him at every turn.
This whole situation came to a head 1 week after his 14th birthday. Turning 14 gave him a sense of empowerment. I understand that. But the oral gratification he received as a "birthday present" from a friend of my ex's neice didn't help either. Compound that with the fact that I caught him "red handed" taking pictures of himself and sending them to this girl via email (pictures that could have had serious ramifications). Ever since then, he has refused to come to my house. He swears he will run away. I'm sure the only reason he's saying that now is because he KNOWS I'm the only one that would really punish him. Before, it was "I want to kill myself". But once his bluff was called, and he was en-route to the hospital to put him on suicide watch, he stopped using that one (he played that card about 6 times in the past 4 years, and FINALLY she didn't give in). He even played that card at school last year, because he got in trouble, and he knew he would get punished if he came to my house. He's right. But bear in mind that I do not physically punish him. I take away his cell phone. I take away internet. That sort of thing.
He has been caught on the phone at 4 in the morning. He has been caught going into the basement (where my office is, and I had a gaming computer set up for him) at 5AM to IM. He has been caught sneaking his phone into his room during the night (he's not allowed to have it in his room anymore). He has been caught trying to log into nearly all of the other computers in my house (approximately 12 of them) in an attempt to get access to IM when his account is locked out.
He gets so upset when you threaten to take his phone away or the internet away, that it physically makes him ill. His mother even acknowledged he likely has a form of addiction. But has she gotten him any help? No.
I'm just looking for help. For so long I second guessed what I was doing. I felt myself that I was being mean. I had to be, because he wasn't getting it from his mother. She (even to this day) lets him take his phone in his room. Doesn't filter the internet. Doesn't read his keylog. Pretty much lets him do whatever he wants. Her standard response to me, anytime I ask is: "well, I can't do anything about it if it doesn't happen at MY house".
What can I do? I'm expecting him to resume the week on week off thing this weekend. I fully expect him to threaten to run away (if not actually follow through with it). It'll only be for a few days, fortunately. I have to travel on business most of the week.
Should I be trying to compensate for her lack of parenting? What do I do if he actually runs away? What if he keeps doing it? At what point do I just give up? One of the last logs I have from him before he spent the summer with his mother has him telling someone how he thought he would take the knife in his suitcase and come into my bedroom while we were sleeping and kill me. I wish I could understand what made him say that.
To speed this up a little bit, I'm just going to put it bluntly. My ex has mental issues. I'm not just saying that to be mean, she went to a therapist for 4 years (2 years before we split, and 2 years after), and was supposed to be on medication for depression but couldn't afford it so she never took it. I feel that she is directly responsible for my son's issues, not because of heredity, but because she says "it's ok". She's never had him tested for depression, though she is more than happy to tell his teachers that SHE has a history of it, so HE probably does. SHE wasn't good in school, so it's ok for him to not try. Anytime he forgets to turn in (or even DO) his homework it's because the teachers didn't notify her that there was anything outstanding. Note, he was in a "special" program in 8th grade run by certified counselors who ALREADY were going the extra mile.
She is (self proclaimed, and happy to say it) his friend. I have been stuck being the parent through the last 6 years, and now my son wants nothing to do with me. He spent the summer with his mother, partly because he said he hated me and would run away if he was forced to come back to my house, and partly because I seriously needed a break. I wanted her to see what it is like having him all of the time, and having to make sure he is doing the right things and making the right decisions. From day one, regardless of who had him whatever week, he has been at my house every day after school. I remained in his school district in hopes to give him at least THAT stability. So every day I have to make sure he has his key to get in. Every day I have to make sure to pick up after he swarms through my house and cupboards. She has no concept, yet I get yelled at for "starving him". I monitor what he eats, yes. Snacks do not last long. I would buy enough for the week (yes, even on her weeks) and they would last 2 days.
Beginning about 4 years ago, my son started to realize he could find sexually explicit pictures on the internet. I had a LONG conversation with him about that. I am a very experienced IT professional, and explained to him then (and about 50 times since then) that there is nothing he is going to do on his computer that I'm not going to find out about. Yes, I put a keystroke logger on it. Yes, I monitored is internet history. Yes, I blocked sites he was going to if I found explicit material. Sometimes it was accidental, sometimes it was a "test". The "testing" has only gotten worse, but I digress. I have maintained this stance since the first time I found out what he was doing. I have communicated it with his mother about 100 times as well. I even went so far as to put a keystroke log in the laptop I gave him to use at her house. She never used to check the logs. She never used to block internet. She had no problem with him masturbating to stuff he found on the internet. He was free to have his laptop in his room, unsupervised, at all times. That changed about a year ago, becuase her ex-boyfriend found him doing IM at 4:30 in the AM on a school day. NOTE: 6 months prior to that, I had already told her that he was doing it. I had already busted him. But since it didn't happen at her house, there was nothing she was going to do about it. During that lapse (and even up till about 3 months ago) he would regularly "schedule" online orgies and whatnot for times when he was at his mother's house. He hated being at mine, cause I monitored everything. I told him regularly, that if he would just STOP trying to test me, then I would actually begin trusting him. It only got worse.
For more than 2 years she has freely had conversations with him about changing school districts. Conversations about emancipation. Conversations that I feel she really shouldn't have been having with him because neither of them even had a clue what either would entail. She was asked to move south for her job. I told her I would honestly consider her taking him, but I would have to understand the whole situation. Once again, she did not put any thought into it (except to talk to him for weeks about it...how nice it would be...all that). There was no job security. It would be a cut in pay. She owns a house already, and had not thought about what would happen to it. She would have absolutely NO support system there (aside from a 1/2 dozen people she's talked to on the phone for 2 years regarding work related stuff). And I'm the one that got blamed for "shooting it down".
One last bit of information. My girlfriend and I moved in together over 3 years ago (no, my divorce had absolutely NOTHING to do with her...we met two years after my ex and I split). She is currently my wife, married in May. I'm sure this hasn't really helped matters, but any attempts to talk to my son about it results in "I don't want to talk about it". She is a great woman. Very little drama. I'm the same way. I like to keep things simple. I spend a lot of time with my family.
My ex on the other hand hasn't spoken to anyone in her family for months. She hasn't talked to her brother in 3 years, and every time she talks to her mother it ends in an argument (sometimes physical). Her father, the only person I have any respect for in her immediate family has tried to intervene/mediate, but she won't listen. He agrees that my son is unmotivated and "spoiled", and that she is enabling him at every turn.
This whole situation came to a head 1 week after his 14th birthday. Turning 14 gave him a sense of empowerment. I understand that. But the oral gratification he received as a "birthday present" from a friend of my ex's neice didn't help either. Compound that with the fact that I caught him "red handed" taking pictures of himself and sending them to this girl via email (pictures that could have had serious ramifications). Ever since then, he has refused to come to my house. He swears he will run away. I'm sure the only reason he's saying that now is because he KNOWS I'm the only one that would really punish him. Before, it was "I want to kill myself". But once his bluff was called, and he was en-route to the hospital to put him on suicide watch, he stopped using that one (he played that card about 6 times in the past 4 years, and FINALLY she didn't give in). He even played that card at school last year, because he got in trouble, and he knew he would get punished if he came to my house. He's right. But bear in mind that I do not physically punish him. I take away his cell phone. I take away internet. That sort of thing.
He has been caught on the phone at 4 in the morning. He has been caught going into the basement (where my office is, and I had a gaming computer set up for him) at 5AM to IM. He has been caught sneaking his phone into his room during the night (he's not allowed to have it in his room anymore). He has been caught trying to log into nearly all of the other computers in my house (approximately 12 of them) in an attempt to get access to IM when his account is locked out.
He gets so upset when you threaten to take his phone away or the internet away, that it physically makes him ill. His mother even acknowledged he likely has a form of addiction. But has she gotten him any help? No.
I'm just looking for help. For so long I second guessed what I was doing. I felt myself that I was being mean. I had to be, because he wasn't getting it from his mother. She (even to this day) lets him take his phone in his room. Doesn't filter the internet. Doesn't read his keylog. Pretty much lets him do whatever he wants. Her standard response to me, anytime I ask is: "well, I can't do anything about it if it doesn't happen at MY house".
What can I do? I'm expecting him to resume the week on week off thing this weekend. I fully expect him to threaten to run away (if not actually follow through with it). It'll only be for a few days, fortunately. I have to travel on business most of the week.
Should I be trying to compensate for her lack of parenting? What do I do if he actually runs away? What if he keeps doing it? At what point do I just give up? One of the last logs I have from him before he spent the summer with his mother has him telling someone how he thought he would take the knife in his suitcase and come into my bedroom while we were sleeping and kill me. I wish I could understand what made him say that.
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