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  • I don’t know what to do.

    I don’t know what to do about my situation, my life right now is the loneliest I’ve been in recent years, I’m 16 and have suicidal thoughts daily. So in order for the situation to be properly evaluated I have to talk about the fact that I was bullied most of my life, not physically but verbally and emotionally. I didn’t have a real friend until 6th grade and eve then I was still mocked by people. Up until around this time my parents fought with each other on a daily basis and even treated me as if I was the one who started the fights between them. My father was very bad about this and was very aggressive towards me, to the point that he would hit me if I talked to him for too long. He said it was because I didn’t listen to him when he told me to shut up and go away while he was watching TV. My mother wasn’t like that until I got into middle school, in which case she started to scream and yell at my on a regular basis too. Another factor in my seclusion was the fact that we live over a mile from the nearest neighbor and anytime I was invited to do something after school like go to a birthday party my parents would refuse, based on the fact that since my autistic sister couldn’t do things outside of school either. All this accumulated to the point that when I realized how my parents were keeping secluded from anyone outside of our family, I attempted to kill myself at the age of 11 years old by taking over 8 grams worth of ibuprofen pills. I obviously didn’t die, nor did I suffer any permanent damage from it that that I know of. When I attempted to take my life I wrote a note detailing how I felt, so the next morning my mother complained about how stupid I was for trying to kill myself and was going to go my half brother’s house to see her grandchildren even though I had just attempted to overdose myself with medication when my father told her that she should take me to the hospital to make sure there is no permanent damage. Obviously the doctors asked me if my parents abused me, but I didn’t fully understand what abuse meant ( that abuse wasn’t just getting beat until your really hurt, not that it could be emotionally and verbally) and I didn’t want my parents to get in trouble, because even though the way I was treated was wrong they were still my parents. So the doctor didn’t really look into it considering I had no signs of physical abuse. I was forced to go to a mental hospital and stay there for 5 days. When I got out they gave me a prescription for antidepressants and recommended my parents a therapist, I saw the therapist about 4 times and I never told her how my parents had talked to me or how my home life was, as my mother sat in on every therapy session. I stopped going because my mother didn’t bother to make a appointment after the last session. During this time the bullying had gotten even worse after one of the students must of overheard from a teacher or something, because pretty soon everyone knew that I had attempted to kill myself. A few months a after my attempt my father had a accident and ended up with severe brain damage and during this time I had made a few friends, but because I put up a decent enough fake smile or because they were just used to joking around and I was even mocked by them consistently of course I wanted to be around other people, but it still hurt. And the bullying at school got even worse because I was mocked for missing so many school days, because I was visiting my father at the hospital and my so called friends even instigated it sometimes. In the end my father ended up coming home to live in our house because before the accident he said multiple times that he’d rather die then be put in a nursing home. Of course during the time he was in the hospital I stopped taking my antidepressants because my mother stopped refilling them. Truth be told though my depression never got better, the pills never even helped. I put up with my situation until freshman year, but I still kept missing a enormous amount of days, on the excuse that I had headaches, which was true, but the headaches was caused by the stress of bearing all the insults that were directed at me and then having to go home, where my mother would tell me all I did was make her life harder when it was already hard enough to take care of my sister and my father who’s condition is so bad that he needs 24 hour care. The stress of putting up with my mother and school grew to the point where I’d have terrible migraines for weeks on end, because I would become so stressed over the thought of going back to school, so I refused to go back and my mother eventually caved and allowed my to attend online school. Realistically I should have realized that she also did this so that she would have someone to take care of my father and sister so she would be able to go do things with her friends. There has been days where she has left at 6 in the morning and gotten back at 2 at night. All this time I’ve been the one that had to provide care for my father. During the time I’ve been online schooled I can count the the number of people my own age who I have talked to on one hand and and the amount of conversations on two. This loneliness lead me back into the spiral of depression and I even told my mother I was going to hang myself and confessed that I’ve always felt suicdal and that I don’t know what’s wrong with me and she asked what she could do to help and I told her that I was lonely and that I was stressed because the online school I was attending was a rip off which wouldn’t grade assignments I turned in for over a week. Her answer to me telling her more than I’ve ever told anyone and how I was almost always in pain was to sign my up for another online school and not speak of it again. What should I do now?

  • #2
    Hi,
    Thank you so much for reaching out to us here at NRS. We know that sharing your struggles can be intimidating so we appreciate your willingness to ask for help! It sounds like you’re in a really difficult place right now and have been for a while. You’ve been feeling lonely at home and at school and now, with the fact you’re in online school, you have no place to go as a temporary escape from the stress of your family. You’ve been treated unfairly by those around you and it’s not right that you’re in this situation. So let’s talk through some options.
    You mentioned that you’ve been going through some difficult mental health, and have temporarily found support systems before your mom took them away. There are some mental health hotlines that could provide you some support if you feel comfortable calling them. You deserve to have support networks to help you when you’re feeling alone and there are people who want to help you. Some possible numbers are The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. There’s also To Write Love on Her Arms which is an online resource at twloha.com. You don’t deserve to feel alone, and we know it can be tough to recognize that but there are people who want to help you and who want to help see you through this unfair situation. It’s so important and admirable that you’ve been reaching out, both to your mom and now to us, if you don’t feel comfortable contacting the above resources please reach out to us here at National Runaway Safeline. We have a 24 hour, confidential, and toll-free hotline which can be reached at 18007862929. We also have a confidential messaging service on our website which can be accessed at www.1800runaway.org.
    In your message you mentioned abuse as well. We know that can be a challenging thing to admit is happening so your courage in naming it is impressive. It sounds like not only have your parents physically hurt you in the past, the verbal and mental abuse endures in the fact that your mom hasn’t been listening to you and that you have had to take on a lot of responsibility. If you feel comfortable, we could potentially file an abuse report with Child Protective Services about the stuff that’s been going on. This would result in an investigation into your household. If this is something you want to pursue you could either call us and we can help you file it or you can file it independent of us through your local police department. We are mandated reporters here at National Runaway Safeline which means that if you give us your name and address we are legally required to report the things we know about this situation to CPS. If you do not want a report filed, that’s alright! Just be sure not to tell us the above information.
    There are also some hotlines to support survivors of abuse. One such hotline is called Child Help and they can be reached at 18004224453. They exist to provide connection and affirmations to any one who lives in a household that is mistreating them.
    You’ve had to endure a lot recently. You’ve had to endure bullying and mental health issues, you’ve been treated poorly and had unfair responsibility placed on you. All of this probably feels overwhelming, and that’s ok. If you want to talk about any of the options we discussed , or about any other concerns you have, feel free to reach out to us further. . We’re 24/7, confidential, and toll-free. Our number is 18007862929. We also have a confidential online messaging service after 4:30 on www.1800runaway.org. We really appreciate you taking the time to reach out to us and we hope we were able to provide you with some help!
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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