I'm really tired.

[Unregistered]

I've always had a tricky relationship with my mom. Everything I do is to please her, to get her to say good job you did it. Obviously that doesn't happen. So during my childhood when I wouldn't clean my room or do a chore as soon as she said she would hit me. Until I got around 8 she would only hit me with a belt and that was okay I didn't feel like it was abuse, again the reasoning would always be something simple like I forgot to pick up my towel from the bathroom. So since then I was always hyper aware of what I did and how I did it. As I got to my pre teens I felt like nothing I did worked to make her happy. No matter the grades or how well I did in sports she still wasn't happy with me. I started to "rebel" I guess. When she would tell me to do something I would ask why and she would hit me and I would take it. It was a viscous cycle that I caused but I was just tired of her not giving me the attention or the love from actually being the obidient little child she wanted so this was a way to get a reaction from her. After she hit me she would reward me with stuff because she felt bad. It was usually her time or affection so In my mind a little punch or slap across the face didn't mean much if I got to get that hug or kiss on the cheek or go to the movies with her. Immediately after ya know she hit me she would call her friends lie and say that she just hit me on the arm and then her friends would say that this happened to everyone. Fast forward 5 years and I find out that it does not happen to everyone. My dad would always turn a blind eye to it. She would convince him that when I told her she choked me that I was lying or when she took my bedroom door off because I wanted her to stop hitting me and I locked it that I slammed it on her. So as I got to 15 I started opening up to my friends about it casually and they would say that that's not how their relationships with their mothers are. They talk to them and open up to them and hang out with them so I think that's the point where I started to question myself and how I thought about her hitting me. I'm now 17 and about three months ago she got mad at me because I said she could never accept the fact that I was overweight. She agreed and said its hard for her to love me and look at me. So after that she started punching me and sat on my chest and pulled my hair and I was so scared because she has never done that I ran to get my car keys and she started hitting me even harder so bad that my cousins that were there tried to wrestle the keys from me so she would stop hitting me and I finally ran away from her and got out of the house and drove to my friends house and when I got there my hand had swollen up so much it looked like a golf ball was under it and my lip and eye were swollen too my knees were scraped up and I had bruises all over me . I came back to my house that night because my mom lied and said that her and my dad were coming to get me and that the police were going to be called on my friends parents. So I went home because I thought my dad was mad at me for leaving but when I got there and he saw me he just cried and said he should've never let it get to this point. I was relieved because I thought he was finally going to save me from her but he wanted to keep his family together more and that was fine I can see why he wanted to do that. I didn't want him to call the police because I didn't want her to get in trouble and she said if he did that they would get a divorce and I didn't want my dad to suffer because of something she did to me. Their relationship after that point was bad and she blamed me so her anger was directed toward me and I completely stopped talking to her because if I did talk she would get angry and try to hit me again, she has tried hard to make everyday I'm at this house, worse. Last weekend my dad finally called the police because she banged on my door and was yelling at me and I wouldn't let her in because I was scared she was going to hit me again. The police fell for her lies and she said she nicely knocked on the door and I wouldn't let her in and that 3 months before I had stolen her truck so I'm not a good kid. I couldn't understand why she would tell them I stole the truck. I get straight A's by the way and participate in school activities. However the police believed her and said they couldn't do anything because this is her house and if she wants to come in my room and spank me she can. (She also lied and said that all she did was spank me 3 months ago). My dad took me to stay at my uncle's house for the night and in the morning he said he wanted us to all talk and he said if he couldn't make it work then he was going to leave her and my mom said that this was all a part of my plan. She also said that she loves my dad more than me and that her marriage means more to her than I do and that one day my dad is going to get sick and no one is going to be there for him and it'll be my fault and that I should let all of this anger go. She has asked for forgiveness but doesn't think she has done anything wrong. I want to forgive her but I'm extremely angry because all that hurt from when I was younger flooded back when she hit me 3 months ago. I guess my question is what do I do? I have thought about running away but my dad would blame her and they would get a divorce and I don't want something to happen to him and if this marriage is my mom's everything I don't want it to be taken from her because despite how much she has done and how much I love her more than she loves me (which she has let me know numerously) I don't want her to be alone in this world because I know how it feels. I really don't know how much more I can take of her being vocal about her disgust and her apathy towards me. I don't understand how I can let her hit me and she still not love me or how I can be quiet and not talk to her and she still wants to hit me and make my life miserable. All in all I'm just exhausted and I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.
Sorry this is so long.

[ccsmod14]

Re: I'm really tired.

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to us here at the National Runaway Safeline. It sounds like you have been going through a lot at home and we are really glad that you reached out to us. You took a great step posting here, we’re here to help as much as we can.

You shared a lot here. You talked a lot about the abuse that has been going on from your mom for a long time. This has got to be extremely tough for you. You do not deserve to be abused in any way, by any one. It sounds like a child abuse report is not something that you want to make, which is understandable. It sounds like you care a lot about your mom even though you have been experiencing this abuse from her for so long. It is not something you deserve, no matter what the circumstances are. We want to let you know that it is your right to make a report with Child Protective Services of your state. Child Help USA at (800) 422 4453 is another organization that can help you either make a report, or talk through what that would look like if you change your mind and decide this is something you want to proceed with.

It sounds like your dad has not been abusive to you, but he did not take steps to end it for a long time which had to have been really hurtful. It sounds like he has tried to intervene a few times at this point, but both your parents are making you feel pretty guilty about how this abuse has affected their marriage. You do not deserve to feel this guilt, because nothing you have done has called for such actions to be taken against you. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. It sounds like you have thought about running away, and you did in the past but you were made to feel guilty about this. We’re not here to tell you what to do, because you know your situation better than we do. We’re just here to help keep you safe. If you ran away from home again, do you have ideas of where you would go? Would you stay with the same friend? We’re not legal experts, but if you decided to leave home without consent of your legal guardians, they would have the right to make a runaway report. Do you think this is something they would do? Once a report is made, if the police find you they just bring you back home. However, anyone that you stay with could potentially be charged for harboring.

It sounds like the cops were called once, but your mom lied to them about the situation. This is so frustrating. You can always call the police again if you are feeling unsafe at home. We apologize that you did not receive the response that you were looking for and can only hope that in the future this would not be repeated. If you decide that you are going to leave home and are in need of a place to go, we’re here to help keep you safe. We can look up shelters or brainstorm ideas with you as far as safe options for you. The National Safe Place is an organization you can explore here, http://nationalsafeplace.org/, that would be able to assist with a place to go as well.

Please do not hesitate to reach out by phone or chat. We’re here to support you. You are going through a lot and we’re here to help.

Good luck and stay safe,
NRS