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I feel like I'm going insane

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  • I feel like I'm going insane

    I'm 16 at the moment and currently in my junior year of high school. I'm also currently going in between living at my moms and my grandparents. My mother (if you could even call her that) has been mentally/verbally and physically abusive towards me ever since I could remember. Now I don't want to get it twisted, my mom isn't like this all the time and it's not like 24/7 abuse and I understand I could have it way worse after reading some of these forums. But it doesn't make the abuse she inflicts upon me any less if you know what I mean. She hasn't really physically hurt me in a couple years (besides spanking me) which I find to be really uncomfortable to be doing to me at my age. But she does mentally and verbally attack me on a regular basis. She cusses me out, talks down to me, tells me, my other family doesn't love me and that they all hate me. She tells me my father never wanted me and as soon as I turn 18 he won't talk to me because he won't have to pay child support anymore so there won't be anything tieing him to me anymore. Once we were out to eat at this little restaurant in the town she lives in and she said "your father never wanted you." and "he doesn't really love you" and then proceeded to laugh when I started to tear up. She has belittled and mocked me when I've started crying or had a panic attack in the past. She has even gone as far as to push and egg me on as I had begun to have an attack. She was like my 12 yr old little brother just standing there taunting me as I screamed at her to just please stop (she was touching and pinching me making me feel suffocated) I have attempted to talk to her about my feelings on how she treats me but all she does is say "well that's your perception of it" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" she never listens to me and truly does not care about anyone but herself. I have mainly lived with my grandparents (who are very loving and helpful) over the years so that I can go to school with my friends and just have an overall normal childhood. My little brothers also do not live with my mother because of how neglectful and abusive she is. She used to go out and party a lot and always leave me to babysit my brothers for hours up to 2 days since I was 8 (She did this so much so that my family says I really stepped up and raised my two brothers into their early kid years while we were under her care. My brothers have also called me their "true" mom on multiple occasions) She really just has a lot of psychological issues that I think she needs help with because I know this is not how a mother should act. Because of her, I have severe anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder (I also have severe depression which I had been taking medication for before she just stopped getting it for me. She has continually made horrible comments about my appearance as well to my brothers before proceeding to make us tell her that we love her and to compliment her. There is so so much more I could list but the reason I'm writing this for a bunch of people on the internet to read is because I'm desperate. I don't know how many times I've cried tonight and I honestly feel like I'm going to die. During my sophomore year, i was getting more and more depressed and anxiety filled as I continued in public school and wanted to try online school. My grandma didn't support this which then led to some drama I don't feel the need to get into which then led to me going to live out with my mom an hour and a half from where my grandma originally lives. I understand now she had completely manipulated me so she could still get my child support for god knows what because I do not see a penny of that money. It was foolish of me to think my mother had wanted to try and change and have a good loving relationship with me. I am now trapped out at my moms and she will not let me leave. I have lost contact with mostly all my friends because of the distance and now spend four entire days up in the woods alone because my mom's job requires her to stay at her patient's homes (she's a quadriplegic nurse) her abuse has just reached it's all-time high and I don't know what to do. My grandma can't help because she's too sucked in my mothers' manipulation and want's to try and help her even though she's a horrible mother. She's a timid woman and doesn't really know how to stand up to her. I honestly feel like I'm going to die if I don't get out soon. I can't get a job out there because there's literally nowhere to be able to work at, I also don't have a car yet but I don't know how I could even get one if I'm not making money. She's a horrible selfish woman who doesn't care about my happiness or my well being. Proving this by not even caring when i attempted suicide during 7th grade (pills) but my best friend at the time had become suspicious and worried at my behavior that day at school and had raced over to my house just in time to stop me. she didn't even care.I also haven't tried again since then because i love my two little brothers way too much to leave them behind and put them through that as well as my other family member. There's a whole lot more to this story but i feel as if I'm just dragging this on because it's turned into a small therapy session for myself while I've been typing this all down and getting it out of my system. So my question would just have to be...what do i do? I'm hopeless and have begun to just accept that this is what my life will be till i'm 18 and can legally get away but i fear i won't be able to make it till then. I truly feel as if she's making me go insane. Please help me. I'm scared.

  • #2
    Thank you reaching out to National Runaway Safeline. It takes a great deal of courage to seek help and share such personal information. It seems like you are overwhelmed with everything that is going on right now. We are very sorry to hear that your mother has been physically and verbally abusive towards you are your brothers. Abuse is never okay, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. It sounds like you feel trapped at home with your mother and you would like to know what your options are. It seems like your grandmother is willing to let you come back to her home but she doesn’t want to confront your mother. You could ask your mother if she is willing to let you move back in with your grandmother or another family member. You also have the option of reporting the abuse to Child Protective Services, they would do an investigation and if they find that your home environment is not safe, they would remove you from your home. Child Help (1-800-422-4453) is a great resource that you could contact in order to make a child abuse report and explore the option of transferring custody to another family member or close friend such as your grandmother. You mentioned that you tried to commit suicide in the past. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) is a great resource that you may want to call if those thought of suicide return. Although your current situation may seem unbearable, you are not alone. We are always here if you need someone to talk to, our crisis hotline (1-800-786-2929) is 24 hours. Please feel free to contact us if you like more resources or support.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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