I don't know what to do

[Guest]

I'm...Not really sure what to do. I feel unloved, unwanted, uneeded. I try my best to be a good person, a good kid, but everything I do is nitpicked. Every little thing is made into some great offense. Every conversation with my mother is draining. It could be about anything, and she'll still make little comments. She takes things I've done, or said, from months and years ago and will throw them in my face. I want to escape. She's said a few times that she doesn't love me or my siblings. Everytime I talk about the future, my mother scowls at me. I have dreams, but I can't talk about them. I mentioned to my friend about a certain college I'd like to go to. My mom snatched my phone and went through all my texts out of the blue one day, and didn't talk to me for about a week, other than to make demands, because apparently what I said (to quote 'Yeah,I'd like to go there someday. Please tell me all about it!'). She often guilt trips me about how sad she'll be when I'm gone, using my dad's disease as a hook to catch me and reel me in. I've never said I wouldn't talk to her or anything like that when I'd left the house, so I don't even know where she got that from.
She's always complaining about money, to my dad, to me. I want to help out. I'd like to get a job to do so. But I can't, due to laws in my state. And she wouldn't let me if I could legally either. If I go anywhere with friends, she'll be texting me the entire time. If I don't immediately reply, she'll start calling. She's done that while I'm in the middle of writing a reply. And then half the sleep over, or meet up is my friend awkwardly sitting there because I have to talk to my mom.
I'm not trying to complain, and I understand that as a minor she's my guardian and is required to take care of me, but...it feels like it's less about me, and more about her. Like I'm being punished for all the stuff she did when she was my age (partying, drinking, so on). Sometimes I don't even know what I'm being punished for. Like...once I was talking to my dad, and he was saying we were going to go to visit our family. I said okay,and then my mom pulled me back to her room and started screaming at me. I...don't know what I did wrong. My dad was confused as well.
There have been times where I've tried to discuss some of the issues. I've presented them in all sorts of ways. I do my best to be respectful and grateful. But it's like she only listens to retort rather than to listen. I'll say something in a nonthreatening way, and she's yelling. I'm not trying to make her feel angry or upset, I just want my siblings and I to be In a better environment.
She makes me feel...Worthless.
She works really hard, and I love her very much. I want to make her proud, and I don't want to just her, but at the same time I'd like to chase after my own dreams, be my own person...I'd like to go somewhere where I can be myself, not a photocopy of what she pretends to be. I want to be able to express emotions, respectfully of course, without being screamed at or punished. I want to be me.

[ccsmod10]

Hello,

Thank you for reaching out to us. We’re so sorry to hear that you’ve had so much trouble expressing yourself with your mom. It sounds like her behavior makes it feel like you can’t speak freely in your home. We want you to know that we’re here to support you and, although we can’t tell you what to do, we can explore options you might have available to you.

In your message, it sounds like you’ve had a lot of trouble feeling heard, and along the same lines, understood by your mom without her reacting in an explosive way. One option you have is to reach out to us by phone or chat. We can’t change what’s going on at home, but we can listen if you feel you need someone to talk to. We’re sorry that you haven’t been able to discuss some of the issues without her blowing up at you. It’s unclear as to whether you approached her alone. If that was the case, it may help to have someone there to mediate. Possibly a family member or an adult that both you and your mom are comfortable with. If you feel that you might need help outside of a friend or family member, we can help you identify family counseling agencies near you.

Whatever you decide to do, know that we’re here for you. We recognize that you’re going through a really tough time with your mom, but remember that we are here to support you. You can reach us 24/7 at 1.800.RUNAWAY or via chat every day from 4:30pm – 11:30pm CST. Stay safe!

-NRS