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I desperately need to move out! But i don't have any money...

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  • I desperately need to move out! But i don't have any money...

    I have been living know with my mom for 19 years. She has always been the nicest and supportive parent you could wish for. Until 1 year ago a tragedy happend and now she is the most bitter person i know. I feel like she is always trying to shame me into feeling sad for the tragedy. She pushes her tragedy on me and it has just made me annoyed and made me feel almost nothing about the tragedy. She has pushed it onto me so much that i can't really feel sad about it anymore. It feels like when you hear on TV that someone random has died in a car crash and you just half hearthly say "That's sad, i hope his family can cope with the loss". She is always guilt tripping me for not displaying emotions and being cold. The reason is because i have aspergers and i can't express emotions physsicly as good as a normal person. But i feel emotions all the time just like any person i just feel insecure displaying them. I have explained this to her but she just brushes it off and goes onto guilt tripping me some other day. All this mental abuse has made me feel like a creep, i feel like i am always creepy when i am in social situations. I wanna get a girlfriend but i am afraid that i would come of as a creep. I am also ways questioning my morals so that there is nothing wrong with me even when writting this. She also sometimes teases me about me being a psychopath or something just because i don't display emotions as much as normal person due to my insecurity with displaying emotions. She is always pushing negativity onto me and it just drains my energy and makes me so frustrated. But i don't wanna tell her about it because I'm the only one she has and i don't wanna make her sad because I'm afraid she will commit suicide or something. This puts a great pressure on me because i don't wanna make her sad but i don't wanna be around her. It has come to the point that i am constantly annoyed by hearing her talk or hearing the floor creak when she walks on it and i never feel at ease when I'm in my room because i know that she is gonna knock on my door. She is always sending me stuff on social media too and even if i moved away she would still frustrate me with that and I'm afraid if were to ignore her she would commit suicide or something. I would like to lock myself into my room but if i do she is still gonna talk to me through the wall and confront me about the locked door. We also live on the bottom of our apartment complex so i can't even open the window because then she will be in the garden and talk with me through the window. She also teases me about me not being able to move away from "home". Like one time she put a freaking newspaper in the bathroom about why boys don't move away from home and it actually made me a bit worried that it might be a sign that she wont let me go. It feels sometimes like she is trying to push me into being Norman Bates from Psycho and it makes me so sad and frustrated. It all makes me feel so frustrated and scared to never be left alone anywhere in my house and be mentally abused. I actually used to hate school but now i love being there so i don't have to be at home i only wish the school days were longer. I feel like i just wanna cry, but i can't do that either because then she will hear it and ask me about it. I just wanna move away, be left alone and cry! I would love to cry! I also wanna get a girlfriend that can comfort me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. The problem is that i don't have any money so i can't move and i can't get a girlfriend because i am socially awkard due to my aspergers and i feel like i am always being judged by my mom. I just wanna find peace in my mind and not have to think about anything. I find the thought of being temporarily dead to be attractive so my brain can just rest from all this madness. (Notice! I actually wanna live i just find the thought of having the brain rest to be an attractive thought. So don't think that i wanna commit suicide because i really don't) I want to just be left alone, relax and cry. Does anyone have any advice? I have been thinking about picking a college far away so i can get a free apartment, anything so i can be left alone i would love to live in a ********ty trailer anything to get away from this ******** hole! Writting this has atleast been a bit cathartic for me.

  • #2
    Thank you for contacting us at the National Runaway Safeline. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help and we are glad that you took the hard steps to reach out to us.
    It sounds like things have been extremely difficult for you lately. It sounds like your home is not a safe environment for you to be in. It is not your fault and you shouldn’t have to feel guilty for what your mom is going through. It is ok to cry.
    In a lot of situations, family and friends can be of extreme help. You could consider going to a family member or friends house with your parent’s permission. While we are not legal experts just generally speaking you could stay anywhere with your parent’s permission. If your parents are to file a police a report you could be brought back home and whoever you are staying with could be charged with harboring a runaway. It sounds like you are going through a lot of emotional abuse from your mom and if it might be an option for you, you could consider filing an abuse report by contacting Child Help USA at 1-800-422-4453. Emotional abuse can be hard to prove and making a recording of the events can be helpful to prove in court. Living with Asperger can be hard and if you ever feel sad you could consider calling the National Suicide Hotline even if you are not feeling suicidal at 1-800-273-8255. You could consider joining an online support like https://www.dailystrength.org/group/asperger-syndrome .
    College planning can be hard and complicated, you could consider speaking to you school counselor.
    We are always available at 1-800-786-2929 or live chat with us from 4:30 PM-11:30 PM CST.

    You are doing great by reaching out for help. We wish you the best and hope to hear from you soon.

    Best,
    NRS

    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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