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20 and wanting to run

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  • 20 and wanting to run

    i'm a 20-year-old transgender boy who struggles with a learning disability and anxiety/depression (i am in therapy and was improving until recently--i have self-harmed and thought of suicide many times). two years ago i went to college unprepared and quickly spiraled out of control into a depressive episode. i've been told it constitutes legitimate trauma and i feel horrible about it practically every day.

    today i found out one of my closest friends has been lying to me and manipulating me, and i'd just never realized it before. i've had to block them almost everywhere just because i'm scared of them now. my parents did not care about this, instead just telling me to move on.
    this evening, when i told them i didn't think i could handle making a long car trip in one day, my dad flipped out and yelled at me. yelling is quite a trigger of mine, and he went out of his way to remind me of my trauma because he and mom both think it's my fault i didn't talk to them. they don't understand that i was afraid of them.
    i'm not fully "out" to my parents as a boy, but they know i'm gender-neutral. mom doesn't support it very much, and today dad said my birth name is my "real name" and basically kept calling me a girl. he told me he understood, but i guess he was lying. this has been a struggle of mine for over two years at this point.
    i'm barricading my bedroom door so they don't come in again. they've never hit me before but i'm afraid they will. in general i'm just scared and i want to leave, but i don't know where i'd go. i'll admit this is a very spur-of-the-moment decision, which is why i haven't gone through with it--i have very few friends outside of the internet to help me with this anyway. but i can't spend forever locked in this room. my mental health has been steadily declining since classes started and now i think it's hit rock bottom.
    i can't live like this anymore. i feel trapped and hurt and i don't know what to do.

  • #2
    Hey there,

    Thanks for reaching out to NRS. We appreciate you taking the time to explain a bit about your situation. We hope that our response will be helpful!

    It sounds like you’ve gone through some tough times recently and still are dealing with some scary feelings. So sorry to hear that your parents are not being supportive of your emotional healing process. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. You deserve to be accepted and respected at home and it’s understandable that you want to leave the home. There are programs called Transitional Living Programs. Its long term and usually for youth ages 18-24. They help you with independent living skills and help you with any goals you may have. If you call into our safeline, we are more than happy to look for some in your area. You mentioned that you have a learning disability, the state may be able to give you money or help you with housing if you file for disability. There’s also HUD (US Department of Housing and Urban Development) they also help with housing assistance, if you’re looking to move out and live on your own. Their website is

    Your safety is very important to us. You talked about having suicidal thoughts and are dealing with mental health issues. Having those thoughts can be really scary, we want you to know that your life has worth. It’s good that
    you have a therapist to support you. If you ever feel like those thoughts are getting to be over whelming, there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800)273-8255, they’re open 24/7. We’re also here to talk if you wanted to call into us, and were open 24/7 too. If you aren’t comfortable talking to them on the phone, they also have a chatting service on their website.

    Again, thanks for reaching out to NRS. You’re not alone in this and we’re always here. If you want to explore the options that we listed, don’t hesitate to reach out. Our safeline is open 24/7!

    Be well, NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!


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