Tweet
I’m an 18-year-old female. When I was 13 years old I was forcibly hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital by my parents. There, I was sexually abused by one of the staff members. In the years since then, I was threatened not to talk about the events in the hospital and my parents became violent in order to keep me silent, often locking me in rooms or bathrooms for 5 to 7 hours and pushing me into shelves or walls until I admitted that I was mentally ill. In the four years since this, I attempted suicide twice and began self-harming. I cut on my leg because it a place that no one could see. I ran away from home several times but never for more than a night. If I disappeared for longer than that, then my parents said I would get arrested by the police, and I believed that. I didn’t know how to talk about what had happened in the hospital because I thought it was my fault. I was confused. I blamed myself.
But then this year, after four years, that mindset began to change. I transferred schools to a boarding school where I was away from my parents. I began working with the school counselor and told her about my situation at home and the sexual abuse in the hospital. I started to realize for the first time I had a right to speak up, and I had a right to be afraid of my parents. I was afraid. In March, I started going to counseling at a rape crisis center and with the help of a legal advocate went and made a police report on the sexual abuse in the hospital. My parents were reported to DCFS. My parents did not know about this. When they found out about what I had done when the detective contacted them during the investigation, they became threatening. After four years of telling me not to speak up, I had done just the opposite of that. I was afraid they would hurt me, and I ran away from home.
For two months now, I have been homeless. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been moving around between friends' houses and shelters and a summer job at a sleepaway camp. For the first time in four years, this year I felt cared about and thought I wanted to live, but it’s gotten to this point again where school is out and suddenly I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve tried calling suicide hotlines but for some reason these phone calls only make me more upset. And almost every single night for the past four years, I lie in bed or in a closet or on my floor and want to shut everything out. I want to call someone and talk, but I also understand that I can’t-- because this happens every night. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. Since I left home, I’ve started cutting again and most nights all I want is to somehow not have to feel what I’m feeling or pass out. I don’t know where to turn and short-term crisis counseling hasn’t helped. A lot of nights, I’m panicked and afraid and constantly thinking about everything that has happened this year and four years ago. I’m at this point where I feel like I can’t do it anymore and don’t know where to go or what is next.
But then this year, after four years, that mindset began to change. I transferred schools to a boarding school where I was away from my parents. I began working with the school counselor and told her about my situation at home and the sexual abuse in the hospital. I started to realize for the first time I had a right to speak up, and I had a right to be afraid of my parents. I was afraid. In March, I started going to counseling at a rape crisis center and with the help of a legal advocate went and made a police report on the sexual abuse in the hospital. My parents were reported to DCFS. My parents did not know about this. When they found out about what I had done when the detective contacted them during the investigation, they became threatening. After four years of telling me not to speak up, I had done just the opposite of that. I was afraid they would hurt me, and I ran away from home.
For two months now, I have been homeless. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been moving around between friends' houses and shelters and a summer job at a sleepaway camp. For the first time in four years, this year I felt cared about and thought I wanted to live, but it’s gotten to this point again where school is out and suddenly I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve tried calling suicide hotlines but for some reason these phone calls only make me more upset. And almost every single night for the past four years, I lie in bed or in a closet or on my floor and want to shut everything out. I want to call someone and talk, but I also understand that I can’t-- because this happens every night. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. Since I left home, I’ve started cutting again and most nights all I want is to somehow not have to feel what I’m feeling or pass out. I don’t know where to turn and short-term crisis counseling hasn’t helped. A lot of nights, I’m panicked and afraid and constantly thinking about everything that has happened this year and four years ago. I’m at this point where I feel like I can’t do it anymore and don’t know where to go or what is next.
Comment