Im 14 and i want to run away. Please help...

[Guest]

im 14 and i want to run away. my mother abuses me both physically and emotionally. while she hasnt slapped me in a while, two physical incidents happened recently. She got angry at me and had to squish my arm super tight so that she wouldn't slap me across the face. i had a mark there and a bruise for several days. the second incident hwas when my mother started yelling at my younger sister (one year younger), and my sister accidentely raised her voice and my mom slapped her across the face. It happened right outside of my room, which i was in at the moment, so I could hear everything. After that happened, a wave of panic, regret, anger, and sadness rushed over me. I was the one who always got into arguements with my mother. I once locked myself outside of the house while we had an arguement so that I could yell at her without her immediatly getting up and hitting me. I felt that I should have been the one slapped right there because I was used to getting the pain and my sisters must have heard all our arguements, since we were not quiet, and took after me. I was so angry at myself for not going out there and protecting my sister that i panicked and start to cut myself. My ex-best friend cut herself, so I thought that this new concept to me could be a way for me to release all that fear, panic, and frustration. The next day i felt no need to cover it up, so one of my teachers reported me to the councelor. The councelor of course called my mother and we all had a talk at my school. I fabricated the story and made sure that my councelors didnt know that my mother abused us becuase for some reason I didn't want her to get in trouble. (I now wish that i had told the truth. maybe it could have fixed things). During the entire hour long conversation where i showed my mom how much i cut myself (about twenty cuts) and told her how much distressi was in over our relationship, my mom didnt shed a single tear. Weeks of seeing a therapist went by and didnt help our relationship at all. (btw when i talked to the councelor at school i made it sound like I had cut myself because I was so stressed and worried about my relationship with my mom. At least it was partially the truth). The therapy did nothing to help us. In fact it only made our relationship worse, becuase my mom has a habit of taking things I have said, our therapist has said, or my family has said and twisting it to make it look like i am always the criminal. In the past couple months, Ive started to think about running away becuase her verbal assault was getting worse. She told me she hated me. she said i was a *****, i was a dissapointment, a liar, theif, embarrassment, pig, fat, ugly, and so much more. She is now threatening to send me to boarding school. She had already taken away my phone over a month ago, and she knows how much my phone means to me. One of my bestfriends goes to another school and i have no form of contact with her except over text. When I found her on instagram (we have a laptop that my family shares), I tried to talk to her, but she refused. She "broke up" with me because of how I ignored her for so long. She blocked me and it broke my heart even more because even though I have only known her for a year, I loved her with all my heart. This year has been super rough for me because last summer my grandpa died. Then a month after that, my dad's best friend, who was more family to me than my other relatives beside immediate family, passed away. Then in November I found out that my best friend from elementary school had commited suicide. I switched schools in fourth grade, and that is when we broke contact. I cried myself to sleep about that for over half a year. I loved him so much, and honestly he more of a brother to me than my actual brother. Speaking of my actual brother, he moved away to Germany (I live in California), and i didnt even get to say goodbye to him. In December was when i cut myself. February was my birthmonth and that hurt so bad because it was the first year since fourth grade that I didnt spend with my best friend. (I know that there are a lot of best friends, so let me clarify. The one who"broke up" with me is T. The one who commited suicide is B. The one I am talking about right now is S, and i was bestfriends with her since fourth grade, which is when I swithched schools.) S and I were together fourth and fifth grade, and we go to the same middle school. in sixth grade I met my current bestfriend, M. S, M and I all became bestfriends right away. However, last summer M made me realize that S was a terrible influence on me. She was only with my because she pitied me when I moved and had no friends at all. she kept me because I loved her and would do whatever she asked me to. However, she did not feel the same at all about me. I caught her talking trash about me to her friend when we had a slumber party, but i brushed it off because i loved her too much. She also would hit me for the randomest reasons ever. There is a lot more about her that made me stop all connections with her over the summer. it felt like I had plunged a knife in my chest. just becuase I knew she was bad for me didnt mean I stopped loving her. She was more important to me than anyone else, except for M. I love M soooo much. In January I started having suicidal thoughts. I never attempted it, but it was always in the back of my brain. Now back to my mother. She makes my life hell. a couple months ago she wrote me a letter telling me about all the things I do wrong and how terrible I am for it. In it she told me that she has no happiness whenever she looks at me. Anyway, she took away my phone. Now she is taking away music from me because I dont have good grades in school. Besides my friends, music is my life line. Speaking of my friends and my life here in California, she is now threatening to take that away from me too by sending me to boarding school. My sisters both hate me, I have never had a good relationship with my brother, and my father has called me an idiot, a dissapointment, and an embarrassment to the family. My friends dont need becuase they all have other better friends. And M doesnt need me because she is super easy to love and is amazing at making new friends instantaneously. She has two other bestfriends and a boyfriend. Even my dog growls at me. I dont know what I did to deserve this hatred. That is why I want to run away. But I dont know where I would go. I dont want to leave my school or city, I just want to get away from my family. But I fear that if I run away I will have to leave my city and possibly even California. help?

[ccsmod0]

Hello #1,
Thank you for taking the time to write to use here at the National Runaway Safeline. First off we want to say that abuse whether its physical, sexual, emotional or verbal, it is never okay and you do not deserve it and do have the right to report it. You have experienced somethings that no one should ever have to deal with. We want you to know that you do have the right to make a report with Child Protective Services. Child Help USA is an information and referral line that can connect you with your local CPS abuse hotline. That number is 1-800-422-4453. If you ever felt like making a report or needed help, we are here to assist with that. We understand that making an abuse report can be intimidating so if you like we can call together to provide support. You have options, you have rights, let us tell you about a few.
It sounds like the overwhelming feelings of losing control and frustration that you have been dealing with have led you to start self-harming which has ended in you seeing a therapist. Therapy can be a useful tool for some and for others, as you many know, might not be as useful. At least you gave it a try, which takes a ton of courage. Since it seems like counseling did not help your relationship maybe https://twloha.com/ can help you come up with some positive coping strategies. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
We are so sorry that you have experienced so much pain and lose in your life. We want you to know that you are not alone and if you are having thoughts of suicide you can always contact someone at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK they may be able to help you more because this is their area of expertise. They can help direct you towards support and or services for your needs. In the meantime, we hope that you can give us a call directly to get some emotional support.
Additionally, if you ever need a safe place to go, we also can provide you with various resources for agencies in whatever area they are in to best help them during this difficult time. You can always call us to talk about what you are going through and receive some support. We provide free, confidential, and nonjudgmental services. Everyone deserves to be respected and loved. If you feel comfortable please give us a call and we can talk to you about coming up with a plan to keep you safe. We can also look into safe place shelter that might be able to take you in if things at home start to get hostile again. Also please know that you ALWAYS have the right to keep yourself safe. Even if that means leaving your home. NO ONE has the right to hurt you. You are a special and wonderful person who deserves to be happy and safe.

Please know that this is not an exhaustive list of resources available to you. We hope that everything works out for you and you are able to get everything that you want. Again, if you would like to talk more about your situation, we’re confidential and here 24/7. You can also catch us via the chat through our website daily. 1-800-786-2929
Thanks again for reaching out and best of luck,

NRS