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I've Had it With My Father

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  • I've Had it With My Father

    Ever since I was probably 12 I've had a terrible relationship with my dad. To give a background, he isnt able to work and hasn't had a job for about 16 years. My Mom works full time and does a lot of stuff around the house as well now. He was pretty much a stay at home dad but now hes getting to the point where its hard for him to do things. I get that. However, my family's never had a good time with him. I remember many arguments where my mother went to go kill herself, smashed dishes, smashed her car hood in, and my dad also has done similar things in return. Hes also left the household for several weeks before coming back. My mom has learned to just keep quiet under him now but the arguments are after me now. I'm 18 years old, have a small job, and go to college full time. The college is nearby so I just live with my parents. I also believe that I have depression and social anxiety, however my parents have never let me go and get tested for them. My dad continues to argue with me over just about everything, and how I am irresponsible and not the child he raised. He continues to call me out on my weight, and mocks me for it. What once were little jokes I could handle I can no longer stand. Hes threatened to kick me out of the house many times as well. Since the college here is only for two years I plan to move into the dorms next year so I no longer have to live with them. What really ticks me off however is that my dad says he supports what I'm going to college for, which is to be a museum curator, but in reality he wants me to head into computer jobs. He keeps planning where I'm heading after this college and if I should stay here for more years than I need to do so. He constantly yells that I have to look at what I need to take and I do look at what I need to do, but I have over a year yet before I head on somewhere else and I need to take their courses. I plan on taking what I need at his college so I can qualify, but he doesn't understand that. I no longer tell my dad what I'm doing for the fear of his disapproval and him denying what I want to do with my life after college. I Cant tell him how depressed I am because he takes that as an excuse and that his life is so much harder and that since i'm only a kid, I shouldn't be having those problems and I'm faking it. I've been laughed at by my own family for my anxiety attacks because they think i'm overreacting to everything. Last night I finally couldnt stand him yelling at me and I told him to back off. Out of anger I told him at least I would have a job unlike you. That set him off and he told me to get out of the house. One friend I have talked to after I left high school knows more about these issues than my best friends, because he's been through a lot and would understand the situation more. We also ended dating at one time but it didnt work out so my family and other friends hate him. I just text them without telling anyone else. I needed to leave to house for a bit just so I didnt freak out over them anymore and I was going to head there. Bad call on my part for telling them because they misunderstood my situation and called my grandma, who lives across the road. they told a story where I knew was wrong and she immediately called my parents before I was going to leave. I called them later and told them that the call did not help my situation but I was heading over there anyway. My dad thought I was stealing the car and leaving for good and he was going to call the cops on me so then I called back and told him I cant leave and I dont know whats going to happen later. I ended up having another breakdown and i could see my mother and my sister just smiling cause they thought i was overreacting again. my dad continued to yell at me about what i was doing and were even more upset at the fact I chose there to go, when I knew that ll my other friends did not know the situation and would not allow me over at their house for the time being. I told my mom what he kept planning to do. She tried to talk to him later about what he was doing with my college stuff but she soon gave up. I gave up talking to them and went into my room and all i could hear is that i was a mistake having from my dad. I honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I've looked into shelters around the area but it looked as if I wasn't any concern to them. I dont make enough from my job to live in apartments around here plus I do not have a car to go anywhere. I'm at the end of my rope on this and I'm just stuck in something I dont think I can get out of. I dont know where to go anymore.

  • #2
    re: I've Had it With My Father

    Hello,

    Thank you for reaching out to us at the National Runaway Safeline. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult situation and we are here to help in any way that we can. It sounds like you are doing really well- you are going to school and working. That is a really great accomplishment! However, you mentioned that you are fighting with your family constantly, especially your dad, and you are experiencing depression and social anxiety. If you wanted to call us at our 24 hour confidential and anonymous hotline we would be happy to discuss everything that has been happening with you. We are here to support and help you. You do have options and we can go over them.

    I know you mentioned that your family will not let you go to counseling. Since you are 18 we can still look up counseling resources for you. We can look into free counselling as well since you mentioned that your job cannot cover rent etc. It seems really frustrating that they do not believe that you are going through a hard time right now. No one deserve to feel that way. However, you do have a choice in the situation to get counseling services because you are an adult. You mentioned going to a shelter- we would be happy to look up shelters in your area as well. Is that an option for you? Would you be able to stay at your friend’s house who understands what is going on? Sometimes it helps just to talk about the situation that is going on.

    You mentioned your recent fight with your dad. It must be really difficult to constantly argue about what his career plans are for you. It is good that you have a friend that knows what you are going through- so you have someone to talk to when this is happening. You do have people who care about you.

    We just want to make sure that you are safe in whatever you decide to do. If you would like to discuss your options further, please call our anonymous and confidential hotline at 1800runaway or join us on chat from 4:30pm to 11:30pm CST.

    Good luck,

    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

    Comment


    • #3
      Father who does care

      Hello I'm the father of "I've had it with my Father"
      Here is another side of the story, my daughter is a smart wonderful kid for the most part, me and her mother love her very much. She complains that we are on her a lot though she feels it is mostly me that gets on her. Yes I do at times because she does not motivate her self in many aspects of her life. She soon to be 19 lives in a home that is clean, she is fed everyday and wants for little. She has ipods, ipads, guitars, games etc., and new clothes all the time. We pay all her bills except a monthly cell phone. But she leaves her room a horrible mess though we both ask her to clean it up repeatedly almost daily. Her chores around the house other then that are to do her laundry, take out the trash and put dinner dishes away. Each one done every other day opposite of her younger sister whom does her chores with little encouraging from us, unlike "I've had it with my father". Who has to be repeatedly told over and over again to get any of her few chores done, and spends most of the time laying in her bed ignoring us till finally we get upset and yell at her to get moving, just to get the clean dishes put away can take hrs if we let her wait. She refuses to see that having to be told over and over to do a couple of simple tasks every other day or so is very upsetting to her mother and myself. Her mother works till 4:30 each weekday and would like to come home to a clean house with those few chores done, and not to a child who does not even want do what was asked of her, or help around the house of her own accord. But we still do everything for our kids and make sacrifices every day to give them love and all we can. Her mother and I are always there to help her when she needs it or should I say wants it. I just spent days working on a mask for her costume for a convention that she was attending. I was up till after 3 in the morning by myself a few days working on it because she waited till the last week, even though it was planned months before to even worry about getting that done in time. We have done many similar things over the yrs with girl scouts and other things she has been involved in. At 18 we feel she should be willing to help us out and be a contributing member of the house meaning mostly just to take care of her own business/stuff like her room, clothes, and if asked once or twice a week by me or her mother to dust, vacuum or some other small task that would help us out around the house which is about all we ask her to do, and if she could manage to do those few things everyone would be less stressed around her, and she could live here as long as she needed to, We would be happy to have her stay till she's ready to move on. These chores and such she refuses to do willingly and makes us ask over and over again to do them to the point where we end up yelling at her to do them. This cause a lot of extra stress in the household and she doesn't get that. Those fights over her responsibility and her lack of respect for us to do them is the only reason we have ever threatened to throw her out. As far as college goes I have no problem with where she goes to school or what she chooses as a career. My issue is that she does not spend enough time researching what she needs to take, or what all of it will cost. She spends most of her time in bed over 8 hrs. a day on her Ipad playing games or chatting with friends, this is after she finally wakes up late in the day. She is out of her room/bed only to go to school two days a week now, work maybe 4 days a month, or to go out with friends. She procrastinates these issues saying she can wait till next yr., when she completes her two yr. college here to figure it out. She has no real plan apparent to me or her mother as far as when she should transfer or what classes she should be taking here to help her finish without having to go another four yrs because she didn't figure all that out or at least get some ideas on what she needs to complete her education from her teachers and staff at school as we have suggested, but she seems in no hurry to do that. Now about the weight thing she is 18 and well over 200 pounds, me and her mother have offered her the chance to eat better like salads and more veggies but she refuses to eat most of them. She goes to the store and buys snacks behind our back over the food we have here for her. I have tried to get her to go for walks at least to help with her health but she refuses to do that also. Sometime maybe it does seem like I get on her to much but she is very stubborn when it comes to get her to do anything, and likes to blame or direct the issues to someone else bad habits or faults to avoid taking any responsibility for herself and her own health. After yrs. of this I guess sometimes I and her mother let our frustration get the better of us. We worry about her future health with the direction she is going at such a young age. She has been told this by doctors and other family members but refuses to take any action to change. She cannot lay in bed and just keep doing what she is doing, she has a good risk of getting sick or dying at a young age and we worry about that as parents should.

      Now as far as her friend that she feels can help her, he is two yrs. younger then her has done a lot of drugs and seems to us to be a very troubled kid. She did go out with him for awhile till he dumped her through her friends on her birthday couldn't even tell her himself. It seemed he was using her to us because she was really wanting a boyfriend and she had access to a car. She has lied to us about going with him. She allowed him under-aged to a camping trip with a bunch of 18 yr.old girls that he was not supposed to be at. she has sneaked over to his house without our permission more then once all while using our car.We didn't want him to get her in to trouble with a minor and all that entails, so she did get her butt chewed over that. He also called her after she got home one night from a dance months later because he dumped his new girlfriend there and expected her to leave with our car at 11:30 at night to drive 10 miles to take him home.I ended giving him the ride because he would have had to walk so he said, and it was kind of cold out. She has other good friends, I would hope she would rely on them if she needed to. But one of her best ones don't want her to live with them because she doesn't clean up her messes and so she won't let her move in, sound familiar.

      As far as the fighting in the house goes yes me and her mother have had some big fights and there have been issues similar to what she states. A lot of our fights have a lack of money undertone as we struggle to get by with one income now and sometimes the stress of that comes to a boil. Having to get to the point of yelling at our oldest to do simple things almost everyday doesn't help. We have been working on our issues and things between us have gotten a lot better most of the time. We don't take our fights when we have had them to our kids and they always come first no matter what issues we may have now and then. We both feel bad that our issues have caused stress to our kids that was never our goal. Most of her friends think we are great parents and they have told her that, though sometimes we maybe a little over protective. As an adult now she needs to stop blaming us for her issues and needs to make changes in her life, and take responsibility for herself and where she goes from here.

      If she wants counseling she has never made the need or want apparent to either of us but we would be more then willing to have her go if she thinks it would help, and any direction in some free help in that matter is ok with us as money is tight around here.

      Maybe we would all learn something.
      Dad

      Comment


      • #4
        Sorry, this information I gave you was misleading. I did not say the full truth and why I have arguments with my dad correctly. Please disregard the first post in any way. I'm sorry, there really is nothing going on but thank you for responding anyway. I just need to learn not to be lazy all the time and actually do what I'm supposed to do. I also need to lose weight in my on terms and currently I'm trying to do so. I should also go apologize to my dad about the whole situation where I ended up saying that to him. I knew when I said it that I didnt mean it and I knew that something was going to happen because of it. I just didnt know how to respond without the argument blowing up anyways.

        thank you again for your time reading this thread, but I no loner need the help and I should be fine.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Father who does care

          Dear Father who does care,


          It sounds like you found your daughter's bulletin post and wanted to share your side as well. First and foremost, we would like you to know that we are not here to take sides or judge either of you. We are confidential and anonymous, although at this point it seems like that is partly lost if you are both aware of this post. Along similar lines, we recognize how posting to a public forum such as our bulletin boards takes initiative and can really put yourself out there.

          You shared a lot and it does seem like you and her mother have been doing what you can to support your daughter. After carefully reviewing your response, it appears to come down to the fact you wish your daughter would do more to help around the house. Being concerned for her health makes sense as well and we imagine that has been an ongoing and sensitive topic in your household. Additionally, you mentioned you are open to connecting your daughter to counseling and would take free help if it is available. We have a large database where we can search for free or sliding scale resources, although many counseling options do involve insurance. To do a search, we would simply need your city/state. To further protect both you and your daughter's confidentiality/anonymity, we encourage you both to reach out to us on your own. If you prefer to talk online, we offer a Live Chat (see below) and when that's not open we have a crisis email, [email protected].

          Hopefully this helps and best of luck to you, your daughter, and the rest of your family.
          Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

          National Runaway Safeline
          [email protected] (Crisis Email)
          1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

          Tell us what you think about your experience!
          https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: I've Had it With My Father

            Dear I've Had it With My Father,

            No need to apologize to us. We are here to listen and provide support without judgment. Since confidentiality and anonymity seems to have been compromised in your situation, we encourage both you and your father to reach out on your own if there is anything more we can do. You said you no longer needed help and should be fine, but we want you to know you can still reach out to us if anything changes. We offer Live Chat (below) and also crisis email, [email protected] if you prefer to talk online. Good luck with everything!
            Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

            National Runaway Safeline
            [email protected] (Crisis Email)
            1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

            Tell us what you think about your experience!
            https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

            Comment

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