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Something bad will happen if I stay here. What do I do?

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  • Something bad will happen if I stay here. What do I do?

    Hi, my name is Emily. I'm not entirely sure how to explain my whole situation in a forum post, and I don't think doing so would be of much use. I'll just outline it. I'm 16 years old, I'm really introverted. I'm a gifted student but my grades are no longer any good, and my parents have tied me up (metaphorically) at home and I cannot leave. If you want the whole life story, read the brackets, but if you just care about what the main issue is you can just skip over the brackets:

    [Two years ago, my parents, my younger sister and I moved onto a boat and we travel around the world, moving around all the time and switching locations about every six months. It sounds fun, but it really isn't. My dad is very abusive toward my mom, me, and sometimes my sister. My mom cries to me at nights about how she can't divorce him because he'll take all the money. My mom knows nothing about finance and whenever she asks about it, she gets yelled at by my dad. Basically, he controls my mom so she can't leave him. My mom drinks a lot every night because of it, and also because she is an alcoholic, and when she's not crying to me, she's yelling at me. She calls me all sorts of names, but the worst is when she says I'll end up just like my dad. I've never been the bubbly type, but ever since I left my old school and moved to my new online school, I've been terribly depressed. At first, it wasn't too bad. I've self harmed a few times, but I stopped after a while. I also stopped doing schoolwork. My online school is really rigorous and challenging, so I quickly fell behind on schoolwork and my grades dropped. For the first time ever, I didn't want to do my math homework. I used to love math because I thought it was relaxing. I told my parents I wanted to go home. I didn't (and still don't) like living overseas on a boat (which is really tiny). I get to see my friends in person twice a year, and that's only because I have to visit my home country to reset health insurance or something. If it wasn't for that law, I would never see them again. I get called immature because I ask to go home, even though my dad promised that we would be able to return home if someone in the family didn't enjoy the lifestyle. I've begged to go to boarding school, I've asked to get sent away to some camp for badly behaved teens, or whatever. I don't care where I go at this point, I just want to leave. I get screamed at for not doing my homework, even though I can barely get out of bed because I'm so depressed. I've also been told that even when I turn 18, I have to stay on the boat with my parents until I can afford to move out and get my own place, but I'm unable to work here since this isn't my home country, so there's no possible way I can make enough money to ever move out. I've explained this to my mom, and she tells me she can't do anything. I've explained this to my dad and he tells me he doesn't care, that I just have to put up with it, or that I'm an immature brat and I'm spoiled because I go to a challenging school. I'm always told that I'm not smart enough and don't deserve to be at my school. I suppose I don't really, because I don't do homework anymore, but I always get threatened with my dad saying he'll remove me from my school because he's wasting money. I'm all for saving money, but my dad just a few days ago bought a $3000 drone camera (he already had one, so now he has two). If he cared about money so much, he wouldn't have bought that. Overall, my parents are just really selfish people, especially my dad. I think he has some kind of psychological issue, to be honest, but maybe it's me who has the issue. This is why I'm writing here today.]

    The issue: This morning, I got yelled at again for not studying, even though my math average is still 93 or something and my English is 100 (which isn't even bad). And then I got into a huge fight with my mom. I was fed up with her for being so weak and pathetic so I yelled at her. She yelled at me and I got so angry that I threw a can of diet coke into the sink and it splashed everywhere and my mom got really upset with me. The day before, I hit a wall so many times that my fists bled, and now there's a scar. I asked my parents if I could talk to a psychologist, because I used to get therapy, but they said no because I "need to learn to grow up and stop being immature." I went into my room and wrote a letter about how much I want to kill them, but how I won't kill them because I don't want to go to jail. My mom read the letter the next morning and I was embarrassed about it, but she didn't even care. It made me more angry because I did have a plan on how I would kill my parents, if I could without getting caught. (It's impossible though, because I have a little sister who I love).

    Recently, things have become worse. It started sometime last year. I started thinking bad things. Maybe because I only ever go outside and interact with other kids my age twice a year, or maybe because there's so much fighting and alcoholism in my tiny living space. I started thinking how I was going to burn the boat down, so that everyone on it would die, including myself. I then thought about how I would stab my parents until they bled to death, and sometimes I cry when I think about it because it makes me so happy. I've thought about killing other people too, random strangers on the street. When I get to college, it'll be so easy. I can take a drunk person home and wrap them up and kill them, dismember their body parts and do whatever I wanted. I've thought about cooking and eating human flesh, sounds kind of gross, but it can't be too bad and I'm more intrigued by the idea, to be honest. My parents always take my phone away after I fight with them so I have to lock myself in my room. I've called people before, so they make sure to grab my phone each time they fight with me so I can't call anyone. Though, a few years ago I asked for a new laptop, and they got it for me. I kept it in my room and they haven't seen it since. They've forgotten about it. When they take away my devices, I have this laptop to contact emergency services if I need to. That's what I'm using right now. To be honest, I think something bad is going to happen if I stay here with my parents. I think about hurting someone more and more often these days. I would love to go to boarding school, or just somewhere where I could use my laptop to attend online school in peace and quiet. That's all I want. I have two pocket knives in my room. I stole them from a AirBNB place we rented a few years ago and I love them. I think that I'll use them to slit the carotid arteries on somebody's neck in the future. But I'm not a psychopath because I know this is the wrong thing to do. I really don't want to do this, and I wish I could stop thinking about it. I think either I have a problem, or my family is causing me such distress that I'm thinking about these bad things. I'm worried that something bad will happen if I stay here and I'm not sure what to do.

    -- Emily

  • #2
    Hello E,
    Thank you for taking the time to write to us here at the National Runaway Safeline. It defiantly sounds like you have been dealing with a lot and we want to thank you for being brave enough to share it with us. You and your family’s safety is what is most important to us. Since you mentioned that you have been having thoughts of hurting them and yourself we strongly encourage you to reach out to your local law enforcement agency. We say this because if you feel this strongly it could be a good idea to talk to them so they can send someone out to help. You might be able to contact someone by using Skype or Google Hangouts, these are free online services where you can make and receive phone calls internationally.
    While we are a national hotline all of our resources are for the United States but since you mentioned that you do have access to a computer you are more than welcome to use our chat service. We may not be able to provide you with any resources but we can defiantly talk to about how you are feeling. Often, having a safe space to share how you’re feeling may bring a variety of solutions previously not thought of. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This may be an isolating and lonely time for you, but you are not alone in this. We want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time. There are resources you can use in order to help you cope with what's happening to you, even though you may not have a way out at this time specifically. There is a website called To Write Love on Her Arms twloha.com that you can take a glance at to see if it is helpful for you. You can also use Child Help International to find a youth helpline in or around your country. http://www.childhelplineinternationa...where-we-work/. You deserve support and we hope that you are able to find comfort in these resources.

    Best of luck to you,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat which is open every day from 4:30p to 11:30p CST and can be accessed here:

    National Runaway Safeline
    info@1800runaway.org (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/NRSOnlineServicesSurvey

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