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  • Goodbye.

    I too, like everyone else on this page want to run away. But not just from home. From everything. From life. I want to escape and it seems like psychedelic drugs (shrooms, LSD) and marijuana are the only things that really help me do that. Even if it's temporary. I've even tried lucid dreaming. The truth is I actually enjoy having no control over my thought process. Simply because I hate thinking. I'll get drunk or uber high and just be so content. I can feel myself slowly dying, spiritually and physically. I have little sense of humility or morality but I'm not a complete monster. I feel as though I'm overreacting but I'm honestly going insane living with my mom. She's not even that bad, it's just I feel so suffocated by her and her expectations, her rules, her parenting. But she is my mom and I live with her so I have to respect her. However, she mistakes my behavior for disrespect. She tends to personalize all my wrongful actions. She's kicked me out several times. The things she's said to me are over the top. She just overreacts. I'm not gonna get into though because I probably sound like a another overthinking bratty teen on here. I don't want some bull******** response from the NSR, attempting to give me individualize advice by summarizing everything I've written. I've spent the last 40 minutes reading all these posts and I still can't find anything or anyone to relate to. I'm just so closed off yano? So disconnected and unwilling to open up. Idk whether it's because I'm young and dumb or because Im some sort of apathetic narcissist. But to be honest, I'm not as strong as I think I am and I'm not as careless as I pretend to be. No one is. That's just how I cope with reality sometimes. You know what best friend told me right before he left my life? He said I'm the worst type of person. And after looking back on some of the things I've done in my life, I can't even disagree. There's a word for people like me, a toxic human being. But I realized not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. I have some toxic people in my life as well. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful, you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself. We all have toxic people in our lives and what's sad is that I've become toxic to myself and the people I love. I've wanted nothing more than to change for my mom. Then I realized I can’t be molded into something I'm not. I'm so comfortably numb it's crazy. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I do love her but my heart is blackened with hate for her as well. I need to get away...I need to find myself and I really don't believe I'll ever do that here. I could wait a few years when I'm all on my own but I fear that I've almost completely lost myself, my will to do anything. I can't remember what it feels like to not feel broken and I can't even cry because I don't even care. One day the darkness that fills me everyday, despite the looming pain of emptiness, will eat me alive. I just had to tell someone.

  • #2
    re: Goodbye.

    Hi,

    Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story, your experiences and your thoughts on your life. It sounds like you’re incredibly insightful and mindful of your own self and your impact in the world. That is so impressive. What you’re going through sounds really overwhelming and exhausting. It’s smart to reach out, to let people reach what you’re going through and to try and connect with other people. You’re right that no one person will have the same experience as anyone else.

    We’re not here to give you advice or to tell you what to do or who to become. It sounds like who you want to be is something that you are struggling with. It can be really tiring to conform and be who other people want you to be. It seems like you’re spending a lot of time thinking through who you are. You’re right that it’s difficult to try and be someone who other people want you to be. Our goal is to make sure that you’re safe no matter who you are or what you decide to do.

    We’re glad that you posted here and we are here to support you through this time in any way that we can. We would encourage you to continue to reach out to us through our hotline or through our chat program so that we can explore together how you can be safe. Please don’t hesitate to call or chat with us. If you feel like this response isn’t what you’re looking for, there are other organizations that might be able to support you in your community or maybe another national resource could help too. One that might be a place to talk more (besides us) is the National Suicide Hotline. Their number is 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t want to call them, you can chat with them too at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There is support for you if you continue to reach out. It doesn’t sound like you feel that your mom or your friend are people who are there for you. We are here.

    We look forward to your call or chat.

    Good luck to you with everything,

    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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