I really don't know what to do help please.

[ccsmod1]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

Wow. Thanks for offering us (and everyone that reads this bulletin post) a glimpse into your experience with running away. It sounds like there were some definite positives and negatives from your experience. Obviously wearing shoes was an important lesson. It’s great that you were able to see that complete strangers do care about what happens to you. You’re also lucky that you met up with these kinds of complete strangers (and not the ones that have no-so-good intentions). In the end, you shared a really good thought which is “But I also know I would never want to live on the streets. Ever. So if anybody does runaway make sure you have some place to go and think about things before you do runaway.” This is exactly what we want to encourage all our callers and posters to do; to really think through their situation and their plan before making the decision to runaway. Acting impulsively can end with someone on the streets, and not every situation will end up like yours did. Our role here at the National Runaway Switchboard, is to help whoever calls or posts to not only process what they’re feeling and thinking, but to also think about what it is they want to see happen and how they can safely go about doing it. Obviously everyone’s experiences are different, everyone’s reasons for running are different and everyone’s options are different. It still always helps to know someone else’s experience to help others make the most informed decision they can about their own situation.

By now, you probably know that our hotline is always available should you need us! Remember it’s toll-free from any payphone. We’re not here to judge anyone’s situation or decisions. We are here to listen and encourage everyone the best we can. We also want to give everyone most information we can about whatever their situation may be, so they can be empowered to make the best decision for them. Thanks again for sharing a little of your story with us.

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

Okay. I'm back. Things are still kinda hetic here, but they are better. I just want to share my experiences with running away, so people know what it is really like.

Okay it all begins when I have a HUGE fight with my brother, and I told him I'm going to go out side for a few minutes so that I can think. Then he told my other brother to lock the door. That just ended up makeing me feel bad. So I was just walking around my neighborhood. (now this is at 12am and I have no shoes on.)

By this time my head really hurt from the previous arguement, with every mean thing my brother had just said replaying in my mind over and over again. After about an 25min of just walking around I decided to go home. But when I got there the door was still closed, so right then and there I decided I wasn't going home.

I walked right out of my neighborhood, with no destination in mind, no purpose, and yes no shoes. The street lights are my only light source around, and I'm walking on a side walk completely sorrounded by trees on one side, with shadowy bushes, and on the other side a car every once in a while speeding by. (This spot is know for speeding.)

The further I walked the more paranoid I got, and I was pretty paranoid to begin with. I was conatantly looking behind me to make sure no one was following me. Then I went walking on the side walk by a busy main street. I had to walk really slowly and look down while I was walking, to make sure that I din't step on any broken glass. I still ended up stepping on glass too. It hurt so badly. All I wanted to do was sit down and get the glass out of my foot, but the neraest street light was about a block away. So I slowly made my way over there as best as I could, then I sat down and got most of the glass out of my foot. (at the time I thought I ot all of it, but I realized later that I didn't)

I then just got up and kept walking. The really creepy thing was that I was be followed by a car. When he started getting closer I quickly wa;ked into the closet store and stayed there. I was watching him watching me, but then he drove away, and some guy who worked at the store siad that I couldn't be in there without any shoes on. So I walked out. I continued walking down the street. It's been about 2 hours, of me walking around. When some guy is driving past me and starts to slow down. He rolls down his window and asks me where I'm going, and he stops his car. I stop to and tell him I'm going "that way" and point my finger in front of me. He then asks me if I need a lift, and he says he could drive me where I need to go. I told him no thank you. He looked at my feet, but didn't ask me why i'm not wearing shoes. Then I just started walking again. He then drives away slowly, but I caught a glimpse of him on his cellphone.

At the time it didn't register in my mind that he was probably calling the cops on me. But I just kept on walking till I hit a higway with no sidewalk and no guard rail, with people speeding past me. I decided I was just going to turn around at that point and just walk in another direction. Then some guys went speeding past me (while there is still no side walk) and yelled something at me, about half a foot from me. It not only made me mad but it really scared me. While I'm at about the same place where the one guy offered me a llift I saw a cop call pull out of a gas station. I then just took a right down a side walk that entered into a housing communtity. Then I hid behind a tree, while he drove away. Then I went back out of the community, and continued to walk in the same direction on the busy street. I walk for a mile or so taking random streets when I noticed another guy following me. The first thought that crept into my mind was, "Wow, he's either another creepy stalker or he's a cop." I was carefully watching him while I was walking, He pulled into a parking lot in front of some apartments and was moving slowly. I defintely knew that he was following me when he went through the whole parking lot and stopped at a stop sign. That in and of itself was suspicious, but the weird thing was that he was just waiting there. So I decided to cut throught the woods on the side of the apartments (about a block away from the truck) and went onto the side walk behind him. I was thinking that I could either run into one of the appartment buildings and pretend that I lived there, or I could keep walking and walk right past him. Something told me I should keep walking, and i did. The guy in the truck made a u-turn and drove right next to me. He rolled down his window and asked me what I was doing. I said nothing, then he said he was a cop and got out of his car.
Next came the interestiing conersation:

cop: where are your shoes.
me: (silence)
cop: (sighs) what are you doing out this late walking around out here with no shoes on?
me: walking.
cop: walking? where are you going?
me: nowhere.
cop: are you a runaway?
me: nope.
He gets on his talkie thing and gets back up, I sigh...
cop: have you been drinkng tonight?
me: no
cop: are you sure?
me: yeah I'm positive
cop: are you on drugs? Have you smoked anything tonight?
me: no
cop: (shines lhis flashlight in my eyes to check my pupils)

(this cop was a pretty nice guy that was doing his job and somewhat cared about my well being on some level.)
by this time another undercover cop pulls up and shines his headlights in my eyes. The other cop was talking to me but I really wasn't listening. Then I hear:

cop1: what's wrong?
(I have my eyes closed and I'm clutching my heart witch REALLY hurts, but I'd never tell him that)
me: I don't like bright lights.
cop2: (is watching me and he's right next to me)
cop1: what's your name?
me: ( I tell him my name everntually, where I live how old I am etc...)
cop1: I wouldn't let my daughter walk around teh streets at night by herself, where's your mom?
me: I don't know, I think New esrsy, or New yoirk. (She was pickking up her fiance whom've I never met before from teh airport.)
cop1: So your mom just uped and left you?
me: no I'm with my brothers.
cop2: how old are they?
me: (tell them their ages)
cop1: do they know where ou are right now?
me: probably not.

ny this time two more cops showed up. I was getting tired because it's 3 am the day befoere I didn't eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner. and I spent all night walking around with no water with glass in my foot. Buut I din't tell them any of these things.

cops: you know there's a curfew here right?
me: no, where?
cops: for all of this county.
The new cops ask me for my name and stuff.

new cops: are you on drugs?
me: no, I'm not.
cops: WHy are you acting this way? I've seen people on drugs alot on my job, and you are on weed.
me: I don't use drugs

(okay seriously I wasn't even lieing, I wasn't high then)

cops: I think your lieing.
me: (with a complete and serious face looks min in the eye and I say) I'm not lieiing.
cops: Ar eyou going to just sit there and lie to me.
me: no I'm going to tell you teh truth like I have been.

( one of the cops that just showed up didn't believe a word I said, he even said so.)

cop: (shines the flash light in my eyes again, for a long time without even warning me it was coming, and got all mad when I closed my eyes.)

Cop: Okay let's go
me: silence thinking, "nobody is moving, they are all just watching me" at that point I figured out that what they meant by "let's go" was get into the cop car.
cop: turn your pockets inside out
me: (i comply, because I had nothing on me and I really didn't care.)
cop: okay I think your on drugs, it's not illegal to have it in your system but having it on you is a different story. You turned out your pockets so I don't think you have them on you
me: okay I'm not on drugs

(It goes on like this for a long time. They must have really wanted me to be on drugs or soemthing. I don't know.)


A lot more happened after this but for the sake of time i'm going to just say they took me home, talked to my brother who agreed not to tell my mom. Ended up with glass in my foot, which I couldn't get out (and still can't get out 3 days later) I was stalked, followed and "detained."

In retrospect I realized that if I could I would have done it all agian, except maybe wear shoes. I learned so much about the world, just thinking and walking around. I learned so much about people too, that there are bad people who follow you at night by yourself, and some people who really do care about you, even complete strangers. When I asked teh cop ho whe found me he said a guy called in said there was a girl walking alone down teh street. It was the same guy who offered me a lift, and when I refuesed, he called teh cops to get to make sure the wrong people don't.

All in all I'm glad I did what I did. But I also know I would never want to live on the streets. Ever. So if anybody does runaway make sure you have some place to go and think about things before you do runaway.

Yeah, that's my story.

[ccsmod0]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

Thank you for posting another bulletin and we are glad that we able to help you. You could try calling the Alcohol & Drug Helpline at 1800-821-4357. Also view Narcotics Anonymous (NA) Recovery Chat website http://narecoverychat.org. They have a chat room that is open 24/7. We are here 24/7 if you are want to talk more in-depth with us. Good luck!

~NRS

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

hello again its been a while...

Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you. You guys really helped me out.

I have one more question then i won't bother you guys anymore.

Do you know any confidential hotline for getting off drugs or anything like that? Something where my parents don't find out, and I don't have to tell them who I am.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, I'm really hooked.

[ccsmod1]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

We’re sorry to hear that things are still tough for you. You definitely have a lot going on and a lot of different things you’re trying to work through. You mentioned you called, but it didn’t help much and that you still need help. What exactly are you looking for? If you think maybe talking to a counselor or having a family mediator would help, we’d be happy to find one in your area that you can call or go to. We realize this is a scary step, since talking to a stranger can be difficult, but sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to in a long-term setting to work through different emotions and feelings. It also sounds like maybe your relationship with your mom may benefit from seeing a family mediator. We would love to help you in anyway we can and are glad that you’ve been able to express some of your thoughts and feelings through our bulletin boards. Unfortunately, these boards aren't really meant for ongoing communication. If there’s something specific that you’d like help with, you’re welcome to post again and let us know what it is. Otherwise, our hotline is available 24/7 if you just want to talk to someone more about all this. Best of luck with all of this.

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

I'm sorry to keep coming back but I guess I still need help. I called but it didn't help that much.

My mom's boyfriend is leaving and the reason is because of me and my brothers. My mom talked to us about a month ago and said that he was thinking about leaving because of us (her children) and if she was going to pick who she loved more she was gonna pick us, but she said she would never forgive us if he leaves becasue of us. She called us selfish and she kept saying she deserved to be happy, and I know that.

All I want is for them to be happy. I'd die if that would make them happy, I really would.

And now that he is leaving she is mad because we ruined it, even though she doesn't show it a lot she has said it and the way she talks I can tell. And it's all my fault. I thought things we're going to get better when my mom's boyfriend leaves, but it's not getting better and I don't know what to do

It's because I stopped him from touching me, if I would've just let him do it then none of this would've happened.

I want to tell my mom what he did but I don't want her to be mad at him (she loves him), and I'm also scared that she won't believe me

I can't stay here with my mom being mad at me, and I can't leave becasue that would make her sad...

at this point I feel like I'm dying and I wish I couldn't feel anything, and that I don't want to care about anyone ever again, it just hurts so much

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Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

We are so glad to hear that you are going to try and call us! We look forward to speaking with you!

-NRS

I think I could get over the shy thing... maybe... but I don't want anybody to know I called because of the phone bill, and I can't get to a payphone, or borrow somebody else's phone. So I'm sorta stuck on the internet, I was thinking maybe I could hide the call in the phone bill by calling tons of random people, so that it could be overlooked...

Just thinking about calling makes me feel sick, I don't like phones, like at all, the only time I use my phone is to text a little, and I also don't really like talk to people unless I know them...

okay I'll call and try not to hang up, but I will probably be really quiet and I will probably say something stupid and random

umm thanks

[ccsmod6]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

It sounds like there are a lot of serious issues going on in your life right now—so much so that you are thinking that you need to run away for a while to get a break from it all. From all of the details that you have shared with us we understand this to be a very serious situation and we would really like to be able to help you to the best of our ability. Your safety is our primary concern and, at this point, we feel that we could be most helpful to you if you were able to give our hotline a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY. As we said previously, we hope that through our responses you have been able to see what it might be like to call our hotline and also perhaps been able to build some trust in us. While these posts have opened the lines of communication, to continue to have a productive conversation we need to transition to speaking over the phone. We would like to continue to help you, but these bulletin boards are not meant for long term discussions.

Hope to hear from you soon,
NRS

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

I can remeber two times rigth before my mom broke downshe owns her own business so there wasn't a stable money supply coming in... she was trying to get some of the equipment she needed to do the job from our closet (which was really messy) then she just broke down... it was weird

well yeah...

I guess the story of the breakdown starts when she was with her first husband (my step-brother's dad) he hit her a lot. and eventually she left him but he kept the baby because at the time my mom didn't have a house or time to take care of him... so he got custody of hime and my mom got to see him every other weekend (she went to court a few years later and got it so it was every weekend)

well she found out last year his dad was hitting him, and we had no idea, he never told anyone...

okay, now my mom goes to trial to try and get full custody of him (he's a few months from turning 1

but his dad calls him everyday and he also called my mom.... he just kept talking and talking and he told my brother that my mom was just out to get him (my mom and brother thinks he has mentally problems) and he told my mom that my brother wasn't a liar and stuff...

so my mom COULDN"T take the phone calls all day everyday, after the trial she changed the phone number she broke down to my step brother, basically saying I can't take th ephone calls, andn she still had to pay child support to his dad even though he was living here, pay for counseling, adn a lawyer, so she was stressed about money...

basically they happen when she is stressed, she is stressed a lot..

but they stopped when she got really into video games... an dI know they help deal with stress, but it still annoys me...then again understand where she is coming from, and if she wasn't playing them she'd probably be a nervous wreck, and I don't want that.

He doesn't hit people that often which is what is scary, my mom sadi he grew up liek that , and then joined the army which there is no argueing (my brother does that a lot, he loves to argue)

yeah well

I don't hink I want to file a report... i don't know if that would just mess up my family...

ugh things to think about

oh yeah, weird dream I finally got some sleep last night... well i just sorta of passed out (whatever apparaently I was tired) see I was standing on a water tower (close by here) and then next thing I now I'm on the ground, and some random police and medical people were there and it just felt good in a weird way, i don't know, and then I woke upp soo...

I was thinking about where I would go, I will probably just hang out in a field/forest thing about 30 mins away from here, and just hang ou there for a few days and probably tell my mom I'm at some random friend's house so she wouldn't worry. It would be more of like a vacation runnaway jsut so I can think clearly agian about everything

I just probably need to pack enough food and stuff, this spot is safer than the other woods somewhat

so yeah that's the plan, still working out the details

[ccsmod7]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

It sounds like the situation you are in right now, well basically your home and family life, is really unstable. From what you are saying it sounds like you don’t always know what’s going to happen and sometimes things tend to explode. How often does your mom have these “mental breakdowns?” Are there ever triggers that you notice that cause them to happen? You also mentioned that your mom’s boyfriend has hit you and your mom. How often does that happen? Have you ever talked with anyone about this or reported the incidence? Just so you know, no one has the right to hit you, and you have every right to make a report if you want to. It’s tough because it sounds like you want to help those around you and make things at home better. The only problem is that, as much as you may want to, you really don’t have any control over others; you can only control your own actions. If they are going to make a change they are going to have to want to. It sounds like you have made that decision that you just don’t want to keep going along with things, but that you want things to change, and sometimes making that decision is the first step. But with that said, change doesn’t happen overnight, sometimes it may take a while. So it’s understandable that running away may be looking better everyday, but perhaps it’s thinking about how things can be better for you in the long run. It’s wonderful that you are really thinking before making any decision, even if that may be hard in this situation. Take care and we are here if you need us.

I like options, options are good.

By the way there are other things that make me want to run away that I sorta forgot to mention... sorry.

Sometimes my mom has like mental break downs. It's like the whole world is crashing down around her and she is helpless... it scares me to see her like that...
It only happened three times but I will NEVER forget it

she starts screaming, crying and throws stuff...

last time when she was like that she said that if she goes crazy, it would be our fault and we'd be sent to a foster home

Also my mom's boyfriend has hit me and my brothers before, he pushed my mom (scared me a lot), and he even chocked me... but he always says sorry and we always move on...

It just seems that these things are happening more often

The sacriest thing is that my mom (when she had a breakdown) sad we'd all starve, and some other things...

My mom's boyfriend is feeling depressed (recently) and he said to my brother (when they had an arguement, (they fight a lot) he said he (my brother) made him want to kill hmself...

my step-brother dropped out of school, and he was supposed to get a job but hasn't (it's been a few months) he has made an attempt though... but my mom's boyfriend really wants him to get a job, and he bugs my mom about so she is totally stressd and I understand but still...

So my mom plays video games, and does school work just to take her mind off of everything, just liek my step-brother, and now me. I don't want to take my mind off of things I want to fix them, but what annoys me is that I can't find a way out of this one...

blah, now I'm rambling...

my brother is homeschooled too and has fallen behind in his school work (which is stressing my mom out more)

and my other brother who goes to public school got a D in honors geomotry, him and I don't get a long very well because I'm "gifted and talented" and I was supposed to take geomotry this year and he's two grades ahead of me (i was suppoesed to take it in 7th grade, but the homeschool i'm in doesn't provide it and I coldn't take it at the cummunity college because I'm too young ) so he treats me like a know-it-all, and has some animosity towards me because of my studies

ugh I sorta got off topic...

hmmm...

I don't know

running away is looking better everyday

[ccsmod7]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

Thanks so much for writing in again. It sounds like you’re pretty frustrated with the situation and feel that your options are kind of slim. It’s great that you’ve at least been able to open up about the situation in this forum and talk a bit about what you have been dealing with. You mentioned at one time that you feel like you have no control over the situation, and that is never an easy thing to deal with and can be scary at times. Over the past few posts you’ve been talking about options and what you think may help. The fact is that you have started to reach out and want to open up about the situation. That is never an easy thing to do and you should be proud of yourself for it. While just talking about the situation may not be changing it, sometimes it can help more than you think. We are hoping that at least being able to open up about this has been somewhat of a stress reliever, especially during such a stressful time. It’s completely understandable if you feel weird about calling in, it’s not always easy talking to someone you don’t know about things that are personal to you, but that is what we are here for. Youth call in everyday, not always knowing what to talk about, and end up sharing things they never thought they would have the courage to. We don't ever push you to talk about anything, whatever you feel comfortable sharing is up to you. We are a confidential line so anytime you call us, at 1-800-RUNAWAY, it is just between you and the person you are talking with. You sound like an amazingly strong person, even if you may not feel so much like that right now. Sometimes there is not always a clear cut solution to every problem, but that doesn’t mean that there will never be a solution or another option. Sometimes, especially during the hard times, you have to keep moving forward and figure out what’s next. We are here for you anytime you need us, to talk about the situation, options, or just anything. Best of luck with everything and take care.

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

I have no idea whatsoever, i really don't want to live on the streets but I also don't want to live here (at least for now), and I have nowhere else to go...

I'm really running out of options

umm...

I'm not sure if anybody can actually help me, I'm just sorta stuck

I tried to call again but hung up because I had no idea how to start a conversation so, yeah...

[ccsmod6]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

It is understandable that you don’t feel comfortable talking with people you don’t know. It can be scary sometimes to reach out for help and some people don’t like the idea of talking with someone they have never met about personal issues. It seems, however, that you have been great at sharing over our bulletin board. We hope that through our responses you have been able to see what it might be like to call our hotline and also perhaps been able to build some trust in us. Anyone who answers the phone can help you just as we have been trying to help you. We strive to be non-judgemental and non-directive. That means that we don’t let our own beliefs cloud the conversation and we always let the caller lead. So, to answer your question, you wouldn’t *have* to talk about anything. Rather, we are here to listen to whatever you feel comfortable sharing. We would like to be able to help you the most that we can, and sometimes it is easier to have a constructive conversation over the phone. If you would prefer not to call us though, you certainly do not have to. At this point, how would you most like us to help you?

We look forward to hearing from you,
NRS