I really don't know what to do help please.

[Guest]

First off the problem is there are alot of problems, and I'm really confused and scared.

I'm homeschooled so I can't talk to a counsler or teacher or anything, and My friends all moved away so there is literarally nobody to talk to.
my mom got a divorce a few years ago, and met a boyfriend about two years later. He eventually moved in and been here for I think 4-5 years. He's got emotional problems... He blames himself for his mom's death (it wasn't his fault) he had a fight with his mom and she had breast cancer and he didn't drive her to the doctors to get treatment... and she died. After that he dropped out of art school and joined the army. When he got out he met my mom. Now everything is going fine for about 5 years... but then my family found out that my step brothers father (who he was living with) was physically abusing him and had been for years. So we had to go through a long legal battle to get custody, which we did. And now he's living with us. I guess the problem is my home, and I'm sad to say it. My mom plays video games a lot (and has an advanced college class she attends twice a week to get a new job) money is tight. I mostly don't eat much because of it. I skip breakfast and lunch and just have an apple and dinner. Right now my mom's boyfriendn is paying the bills but he says he isn't happy here and he feels like he is just working himselfl to death and we don't appreciate him and take his money. I do appreciate him and I know my family does.. I just don't show my emotions at all since my mom's divorce, and I'm ookay with that. After that day I knew I just never wanted to love somebody to have them leave. My real dad left my mom when she had to help her famliy. And my step dad never fufilled his promises... but he was a good guy... And on top of it all a few days ago he touched me weird... it made me VERY uncomfortable... I don't know what to do I want to tell my mom but they fight and he leaves we will have nobody to help pay bills and I'm scared we will starve.

I finally thought about this all for the past few days and I don't know what to do

I thought about

-running away
-cutting
-commiting suicide
-or just ignore it all and stay in my room till i move

I'm also really angry at life for the situation I've found myself in and I feel as if I have no control over anything anymore...

please help

[ccsmod8]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to write to us about your feelings surrounding life at home and it sounds like you are in need of someone to talk to in order to get some ideas about coping and staying empowered. Since we are the National Runaway Switchboard and that you mentioned wanting to run away, we want you to know that this deeply concerns us and since we care a lot for your safety, we hope you can find time to reach out to us to talk about ways to remain safe. We certainly empathize with your situation because it must be tough to find yourself between these extremes where you are obviously affected by everything that is happening around you but at the same time we sense some genuine care in you for everyone involved. It must be very hard to want to look up to your family as role models but with your mother spending so much time playing video games and your stepfather making it obvious that he is going through a difficult time right now, it is never easy for someone such as yourself under these circumstances. We hope that you are not being to hard on yourself and hope that you try to find time to do the things you like or find time to get some assistance in order to deal with these events better.

We hope that you are not thinking about running away from home because money is tight but since you mentioned the way your stepfather touched you lately, we imagine that is something you should not have to put up with regardless. It is one thing for him to be a good man to your family and provide for all of you but it is another thing to expect compensation in the form of favors from you. You seem resourceful in trying to hold back on what you need and do in order to help out the situation at home and this is why we hope that you can think more openly about ways to not get tricked into anything that is not supposed to do with you. You are a minor and that is all and your life should be protected and cared for regardless of who is doing it. In trying to cope with all you are going through, we hope that you can find some times of give thought to some of the questions we have surrounding your need to cut. How do you feel about your need to cut? Are there any particular things that happen to you that make you want to cut or commit suicide other than what is happening now? Are there any particular feelings you experience that make you want to cut? What effect would cutting have on you? How do you think it would affect your relationship with your parents or siblings?
We are not here to tell you to try to avoid the urge to cut, runaway or commit suicide. However, what can you tell yourself or do that will work to keep you from using these methods to escape or what other alternatives can you come up with in order to continue to survive longer? Do you really want to die? When you look forward to the road ahead, what do you see happening?

In terms of suicide, we hope you can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1800-273-Talk for more assistance but in the mean time, do you have a plan for committing suicide? Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? Do you plan on trying to commit suicide again? Will you use the same method the next time, or have you chosen a new one? How do you feel about the fact that you want to commit suicide? How do you feel about your parents (or other significant people in your life? Do you drink alcohol or use drugs? Are you physically ill? Have you been to a doctor recently? How long have you been thinking about suicide? Do you know anyone who has committed suicide? Have you ever tried to get help before and would you consider getting help now? Is there someone in your life who provides you with support? What do you expect death to be like?

We hope that you just don't sit in your room and ignore it all but find time to do things in order to distract yourself from it all and doing things that can get you to start feeling good about yourself and life again. What are some ways you can find out about getting more involved with doing other things in school or in the community to help you get rid of some of the stress? In terms of running away, it is not a crime but do you have a plan for survival if you choose to leave home and get away. What do you expect running away to be like and what expectations do you have for what life is going to be once you come back home. We want to be there for you and hope that you can call us if you run or before to talk to one of our liners in order to get the chance to vent a little to a live person. We can be reach at 1800RUNAWAY 24 hours a day and we are confidential and do not judge our callers. Please take time to think about some of the things we stated above and call us soon. Good luck and find time to stay strong. We are proud of you for trying to remain resilient and want to continue to help out as you get through this.

-NRS

[Guest]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

I feel better now....

I don't know...

I mostly just draw or sing to past the time along with school work. It helps as a distraction, that and I read almost anything I can get my hands on. For some reason I feel like ten times better jsut talking about it. I would call the number but Im WAY too shy for that. I don't really think I will commit suicide but it is an option... but oone I can't turn back from...

I used to be a cutter about 4 months ago when I found out about my step brother and his dad and I cut for about a month and then eventually stopped. I stopped cutting in a wierd way...

When ever I got the urge to cut I drew a heart on my arm with a marker... and eventually I stopped that too...

I don't know I just need a better way with dealing with stress...

I just want to ignore everything going on around me.

If anything Im either going to runway or ignore/get distracted from it.

I've thought about running away before... The reason I didn't was because I went to some site about runaway homeless kids and really saw how dangerous it was... The only reason I didn't runaway tonight is because of my mom and brothers (basically family) because I don't want to make them sad, they are all stressed out as it is, and even if I did runawy I don't have a plan at all, and no where to go...

I'm just stuck

I cant go to sleep either

ugh

[ccsmod2]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

Thanks for writing back. It is wonderful to hear that you are indeed feeling a little better and to know that you are a little more comfortable talking about things. Drawing, singing, reading, and working on your homework are all great ways to put your mind on other things than what are stressing you out. You said you fel better just talking about things, but then you say you are too shy to call and speak to someone here. Who are you talking to back at home?
You have overcome a few feelings that you maybe thought were not in your best interest such as cutting yourself and thinking about suicide. It is really another wonderful thing to know that you have somehow stopped cutting on your own. You mention that you need other ways to help deal with stress. Do you have any other hobbies or anything that will do the trick for you? Sometimes when we go through our very own issues, it would be nice to ignore things but we simply cannot do this is all cases. Even though you have thought about leavng home before, you still stayed because of some kind of resort. You care about hurting your mother and any others in the family. If you tell us what city/state you are in, we can assist you in locating a shelter in case you do need to stay at a different location than you did before.
We are sorry to hear that you are sooo stressed that you cant go to sleep. Have you tried listening to some calming music or anything? It is vey important to get some rest. That can be another thing that leads to more stress and tension when dealing with things.
Please feel free to call us whenever you are ready or feel up to it. We can be reached at 1-800-RUNAWAY, 24/7.

[Guest]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

ugh thanks...

I got a few hours of sleep last night.

BUt now my step brother said as soon as he gets enough money he's going to leave. And he says hes gonna stay with some friends. I have a bad feeling everybody is leaveing us.

I was thinking about running away, but I'm not sure for how long.

I think I would just stay away for a few days or so... I don't know... just long enough to like step back and look at everything.... Then again if I don't like waht I see then I'm probably not coming back, But find a way to stay in contact witih my mom maybe...

If a did runaway I have no where to go... I was thinking about staying in some nearby woods a few days...

The only problem with staying in the woods is that a few years ago, there was a guy who killed a kid while they were walking through the woods.... and there are groups of kids that hang out in the woods and fight, drink, do drugs and set off fireworks...

So I don't really think that is a safe place but more of a last resort

I never did drugs or achol, but I was a cutter, bitter, scracther, I hit my head a few times,

I ended up stopping those things a few months ago and more recently just turned to biting the inside of my cheeks

The thing that worries me now is my step brother... because of his real dad (not my dad) physically and mentally abused him he's a litle emotional sometimes.... recently he did two things that scared me

Last time when we got in an argument about some random thing he got so mad he threw something at me... It didn't hurt

But besides that he has always been nice and fair to everyone

And then yesterday he told me the only reason he is still here is becasue he doesn't have money to leave... He started saving up for a plan ticket to fly across theh country to one of his friends.

I just feel bad

[ccsmod3]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

Hi, sorry to hear you are still feeling sad. It sounds like you really care for the others in your family. Sounds like you are trying to find healthier ways to cope with your feelings, which is great. It sounds like you may need a more long term options to help you with your problems? Have you ever talked to a counselor or therapist? That may sound scary, but talking to someone can really help you deal with your negative feelings and help you sort through your thoughts so you can figure out what you want to do about your problems. If you're not ready to do that, we understand, but if you are we can help you find a place to go. You can call our hotline (1800RUNAWAY) and we can help you discuss your options.

Good luck,

[Guest]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

ugh

I really don't like talking to people I don't know...

umm... if I did call the hotline what would I have to talk about?

I tried calling but hung up...

[ccsmod6]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

It is understandable that you don’t feel comfortable talking with people you don’t know. It can be scary sometimes to reach out for help and some people don’t like the idea of talking with someone they have never met about personal issues. It seems, however, that you have been great at sharing over our bulletin board. We hope that through our responses you have been able to see what it might be like to call our hotline and also perhaps been able to build some trust in us. Anyone who answers the phone can help you just as we have been trying to help you. We strive to be non-judgemental and non-directive. That means that we don’t let our own beliefs cloud the conversation and we always let the caller lead. So, to answer your question, you wouldn’t *have* to talk about anything. Rather, we are here to listen to whatever you feel comfortable sharing. We would like to be able to help you the most that we can, and sometimes it is easier to have a constructive conversation over the phone. If you would prefer not to call us though, you certainly do not have to. At this point, how would you most like us to help you?

We look forward to hearing from you,
NRS

[Guest]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

I have no idea whatsoever, i really don't want to live on the streets but I also don't want to live here (at least for now), and I have nowhere else to go...

I'm really running out of options

umm...

I'm not sure if anybody can actually help me, I'm just sorta stuck

I tried to call again but hung up because I had no idea how to start a conversation so, yeah...

[ccsmod7]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

Thanks so much for writing in again. It sounds like you’re pretty frustrated with the situation and feel that your options are kind of slim. It’s great that you’ve at least been able to open up about the situation in this forum and talk a bit about what you have been dealing with. You mentioned at one time that you feel like you have no control over the situation, and that is never an easy thing to deal with and can be scary at times. Over the past few posts you’ve been talking about options and what you think may help. The fact is that you have started to reach out and want to open up about the situation. That is never an easy thing to do and you should be proud of yourself for it. While just talking about the situation may not be changing it, sometimes it can help more than you think. We are hoping that at least being able to open up about this has been somewhat of a stress reliever, especially during such a stressful time. It’s completely understandable if you feel weird about calling in, it’s not always easy talking to someone you don’t know about things that are personal to you, but that is what we are here for. Youth call in everyday, not always knowing what to talk about, and end up sharing things they never thought they would have the courage to. We don't ever push you to talk about anything, whatever you feel comfortable sharing is up to you. We are a confidential line so anytime you call us, at 1-800-RUNAWAY, it is just between you and the person you are talking with. You sound like an amazingly strong person, even if you may not feel so much like that right now. Sometimes there is not always a clear cut solution to every problem, but that doesn’t mean that there will never be a solution or another option. Sometimes, especially during the hard times, you have to keep moving forward and figure out what’s next. We are here for you anytime you need us, to talk about the situation, options, or just anything. Best of luck with everything and take care.

[Guest]

I like options, options are good.

By the way there are other things that make me want to run away that I sorta forgot to mention... sorry.

Sometimes my mom has like mental break downs. It's like the whole world is crashing down around her and she is helpless... it scares me to see her like that...
It only happened three times but I will NEVER forget it

she starts screaming, crying and throws stuff...

last time when she was like that she said that if she goes crazy, it would be our fault and we'd be sent to a foster home

Also my mom's boyfriend has hit me and my brothers before, he pushed my mom (scared me a lot), and he even chocked me... but he always says sorry and we always move on...

It just seems that these things are happening more often

The sacriest thing is that my mom (when she had a breakdown) sad we'd all starve, and some other things...

My mom's boyfriend is feeling depressed (recently) and he said to my brother (when they had an arguement, (they fight a lot) he said he (my brother) made him want to kill hmself...

my step-brother dropped out of school, and he was supposed to get a job but hasn't (it's been a few months) he has made an attempt though... but my mom's boyfriend really wants him to get a job, and he bugs my mom about so she is totally stressd and I understand but still...

So my mom plays video games, and does school work just to take her mind off of everything, just liek my step-brother, and now me. I don't want to take my mind off of things I want to fix them, but what annoys me is that I can't find a way out of this one...

blah, now I'm rambling...

my brother is homeschooled too and has fallen behind in his school work (which is stressing my mom out more)

and my other brother who goes to public school got a D in honors geomotry, him and I don't get a long very well because I'm "gifted and talented" and I was supposed to take geomotry this year and he's two grades ahead of me (i was suppoesed to take it in 7th grade, but the homeschool i'm in doesn't provide it and I coldn't take it at the cummunity college because I'm too young ) so he treats me like a know-it-all, and has some animosity towards me because of my studies

ugh I sorta got off topic...

hmmm...

I don't know

running away is looking better everyday

[ccsmod7]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

It sounds like the situation you are in right now, well basically your home and family life, is really unstable. From what you are saying it sounds like you don’t always know what’s going to happen and sometimes things tend to explode. How often does your mom have these “mental breakdowns?” Are there ever triggers that you notice that cause them to happen? You also mentioned that your mom’s boyfriend has hit you and your mom. How often does that happen? Have you ever talked with anyone about this or reported the incidence? Just so you know, no one has the right to hit you, and you have every right to make a report if you want to. It’s tough because it sounds like you want to help those around you and make things at home better. The only problem is that, as much as you may want to, you really don’t have any control over others; you can only control your own actions. If they are going to make a change they are going to have to want to. It sounds like you have made that decision that you just don’t want to keep going along with things, but that you want things to change, and sometimes making that decision is the first step. But with that said, change doesn’t happen overnight, sometimes it may take a while. So it’s understandable that running away may be looking better everyday, but perhaps it’s thinking about how things can be better for you in the long run. It’s wonderful that you are really thinking before making any decision, even if that may be hard in this situation. Take care and we are here if you need us.

[Guest]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

I can remeber two times rigth before my mom broke downshe owns her own business so there wasn't a stable money supply coming in... she was trying to get some of the equipment she needed to do the job from our closet (which was really messy) then she just broke down... it was weird

well yeah...

I guess the story of the breakdown starts when she was with her first husband (my step-brother's dad) he hit her a lot. and eventually she left him but he kept the baby because at the time my mom didn't have a house or time to take care of him... so he got custody of hime and my mom got to see him every other weekend (she went to court a few years later and got it so it was every weekend)

well she found out last year his dad was hitting him, and we had no idea, he never told anyone...

okay, now my mom goes to trial to try and get full custody of him (he's a few months from turning 1

but his dad calls him everyday and he also called my mom.... he just kept talking and talking and he told my brother that my mom was just out to get him (my mom and brother thinks he has mentally problems) and he told my mom that my brother wasn't a liar and stuff...

so my mom COULDN"T take the phone calls all day everyday, after the trial she changed the phone number she broke down to my step brother, basically saying I can't take th ephone calls, andn she still had to pay child support to his dad even though he was living here, pay for counseling, adn a lawyer, so she was stressed about money...

basically they happen when she is stressed, she is stressed a lot..

but they stopped when she got really into video games... an dI know they help deal with stress, but it still annoys me...then again understand where she is coming from, and if she wasn't playing them she'd probably be a nervous wreck, and I don't want that.

He doesn't hit people that often which is what is scary, my mom sadi he grew up liek that , and then joined the army which there is no argueing (my brother does that a lot, he loves to argue)

yeah well

I don't hink I want to file a report... i don't know if that would just mess up my family...

ugh things to think about

oh yeah, weird dream I finally got some sleep last night... well i just sorta of passed out (whatever apparaently I was tired) see I was standing on a water tower (close by here) and then next thing I now I'm on the ground, and some random police and medical people were there and it just felt good in a weird way, i don't know, and then I woke upp soo...

I was thinking about where I would go, I will probably just hang out in a field/forest thing about 30 mins away from here, and just hang ou there for a few days and probably tell my mom I'm at some random friend's house so she wouldn't worry. It would be more of like a vacation runnaway jsut so I can think clearly agian about everything

I just probably need to pack enough food and stuff, this spot is safer than the other woods somewhat

so yeah that's the plan, still working out the details

[ccsmod6]

Re: I really don't know what to do help please.

It sounds like there are a lot of serious issues going on in your life right now—so much so that you are thinking that you need to run away for a while to get a break from it all. From all of the details that you have shared with us we understand this to be a very serious situation and we would really like to be able to help you to the best of our ability. Your safety is our primary concern and, at this point, we feel that we could be most helpful to you if you were able to give our hotline a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY. As we said previously, we hope that through our responses you have been able to see what it might be like to call our hotline and also perhaps been able to build some trust in us. While these posts have opened the lines of communication, to continue to have a productive conversation we need to transition to speaking over the phone. We would like to continue to help you, but these bulletin boards are not meant for long term discussions.

Hope to hear from you soon,
NRS

[Guest]

I think I could get over the shy thing... maybe... but I don't want anybody to know I called because of the phone bill, and I can't get to a payphone, or borrow somebody else's phone. So I'm sorta stuck on the internet, I was thinking maybe I could hide the call in the phone bill by calling tons of random people, so that it could be overlooked...

Just thinking about calling makes me feel sick, I don't like phones, like at all, the only time I use my phone is to text a little, and I also don't really like talk to people unless I know them...

okay I'll call and try not to hang up, but I will probably be really quiet and I will probably say something stupid and random

umm thanks