Wanting to run away

[MizUnderstooD]

I just feel like I don't belong in my family. Like I can never do anything right and that im just a big failure. My parents are very religious people so my "punishments" are different from everyone elses. I just wish I could have a normal life. iv'e been beat with a shoe, a belt, a stick, and an extension cord. One time, my dad got so mad after he got done beating me that he picked me up by my shirt collar and yelled in my face then he threw to the ground and told me to clean the kitchen because I didn't keep my room clean and because I always half-cleaned the kitchen. Im just tired of being beat for what, to me, seems like stupid stuff. he wants everything to be perfect, including me, and im not. he wants the house to be shiny and sparkly clean and gets ma when things are everywhere when most of the time, it's his stuff that needs to disappear. Like right now, im on punishment for 3 months for not doing these "Sabbath quizzes" that me and my sister had to do. I can't watch tv, I can't talk on the phone, I have to turn in all my reading material, and if I don't obey then it'll result in "extreme severe further punishment" or something like that. on top of that, im in trouble for "half cleaning" and for using my dad's headphones with out permission. like, their headphones....their not beats by dre. I just can't put into words how tired I am of being beat over petty crap. im tired of always disappointing everybody and then everyone being in my face about it like I did it on purpose. im tired of feeling like I don't belong. im just tired and im pretty sure that if I ran away that my families lives would be much happier. my parents have asked me before if I wanted to be adopted but I always said no because I knew that if I said yes, something bad would happen. I know that if I get caught running away then I would get beat the crap out of. I could be depressed and cutting myself and my dad would be like "I don't care if she depressed or not. She still about to get beat because I told her to do...." whatever it is that he wanted me to do. he expects to have a perfect life and im obviously messing it up. ive thought about suicide so many times its not even funny. this started in the 4th grade. I just can't explain how ready I am to just leave. I don't want to live on the street but I know that almost any if not all my family members would stay loyal to my parents and tell them where I am. I can't say this enough. im just tired of everything. then on top of that, I have to be the perfect student and keep my grades up while secretly dealing with what im dealing with. I know there are teens who have it worse than me and I deeply apologize if it sounds like im being self centered but im not getting beat with an extension cord or any other thing that could be used to beat children with. im just ready for it to end. I want to stay and finish high school but if they come up to the school while im still in school then they could easily take me back. im scared because of how much trouble im in. I told my mom that if my dad took my library books away for 3 months that they would become overdue and they'd owe fines but apparently she didn't tell my dad and on top of that, im in trouble for having this cell phone that isn't even on. I can't call or text people on it, I can only use the internet and listen to music and download apps. when he said no phone I thought he meant the house phone since that's what I use to communicate with people. im literally so scared. he'll be home in a couple hours and I swear on everything not holy that if I have to get beat with an extension cord then I will want to die. I feel like dying everytime I do get beat with one. then he adds more licks if I move out of "position". then on top of all that, I feel lonely and depressed all the time but the funny part is that I don't like being bothered. I like being alone. I love going to school because when your at school, it's like being in a different world where you don't have to worry about what goes on at home and at times I just want to cry, knowing that when I get home, something bad is going to happen. you spend the whole day not thinking about home but then when you get off the bus, it hits you like a tidal wave and I just want to go somewhere where no one will find me but at the same time I'll still be able to finish high school. ive got 3 more years. im only a freshman and if this continues, im afraid i'll drop out or turn to drugs or do something stupid with my life. I don't want to go into a foster home because I don't like the fact that i'll be living with complete strangers. that's my worst fear. that, and not finishing high school or dying or never seeing my sisters again. I think that's all I have to say other than that my dad gives me and my older sister unnecessary chores, like picking weeds when its 100 degrees outside or cleaning unnecessary stuff. it could just be me, and that im lazy but sometimes I swear I feel like a slave. if I don't do something the way im supposed to then I get beat for it, and then have to do it over, like wtf? ive prayed but I can never tell if my prayers have been heard nor answered so.....here I am.

[ccsmod14]

Re: Wanting to run away

Hi there,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us here at National Runaway Safeline. It sounds like you have been going through a lot and it sounds like it has been really tough. We are here to help you out as best as we can.

You have shared a lot with us here at we are glad to know that you are seeking help for everything that you have been going through. You mentioned that you have been suicidal. We want to give you the phone number for the National Suicide Hotline that you can call at any time, in addition to our line at 1800runaway that you are feeling like you want to end your life. When you are having thoughts about killing yourself, what helps you get past them? Here at National Runaway Safeline we have many different resources, including counseling services. Is this an option that you have ever explored?

You shared with us that you have been getting hit by your dad. No one deserves to be abused in any way. We want to let you know that if you ever experience any abuse, you have the right to make a report. Is this something that you have ever thought about or considered? You deserve to feel safe in your own home. If you call into our hotline at 1800 runaway, we can talk more about what that process would look like, and even make a report with you if did decide that is something you wanted to do.

It sounds like you have been going through so much at home and it has got to be really hard to deal with this. How have you been coping? Is there anyone that you feel like you can talk to about this, or anything specific that helps you through this? It sounds like you enjoy being at school because it helps you get away from everything going on at home which is understandable. It is good to hear that you have somewhere that you go that helps you feel good and comfortable.

Your concerns about living with strangers or living on the street are understandable. You are not being self-centered by reaching out to us. We are here to support you in any way that we can. If you did decide to leave home and you called us, we would try our best to help you stay safe by reaching out to shelters in your area. We are not going to tell you what to do, because you know your situation better than we do. We just want to make sure you are safe in whatever decision you make. There are a few things that can be helpful when deciding whether or not to leave home:

What else can I do to improve my home situation before I leave?
What would make me stay at home?
How will I survive?
Is running away safe?
Who can I count on to help me?
Have I given this enough thought?
What are my other options?
If I end up in trouble, who will I call?
When I return home, what will happen?


Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat which is open every day from 4:30p to 11:30p CST and can be accessed here: http://www.nrschat.org:88/chat/UserF...eptid=&userid=

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