how do i help her?

[Guest]

ok so first off i am not doing this whole will i will pretend that i am someone else thingie. so my b'fs sister cant stand her house anymore. i really dont blame her. she has
a 10 year old step sister who gets everything she wants
a 13 year old step sister who acts like she is like 20 and is never there
a brother who cares alot about her
her dad has a major stress and anger issues
and her step mom is no help
also she plans to leave to go with a 23 year old child molestist. this is also her gf who she found online. i am scared it might be someone who would kidnap her and kill her or something becasue then i would feel like its my fault. i am just freaking out and i dont know wat to do about her becasue i dont wanna call the hotline becasue i am scared 2 talk 2 people on the phone and like it would be so much easier if they had like in a in website IM i need a anwster tho
help!!!!!!!!

[ccsmod8]

Re: how do i help her?

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to show some interest for your boyfriend sister's troubling situation and reaching out to us at the National Runaway Switchboard for ideas on how to help her figure it out. We appreciate your honesty in telling us who you are and want you to know that we are confidential and anonymous. By what you stated about your boyfriend's sisters living situation, it sounds like she has your friendship and her brother's support to count on but we want to be supportive to all of you in this time of need. We imagine you have your own reasons to avoid calling hotlines but we feel you can benefit from a lived person to vent to and to get some resources in order to help out with the situation. Do you know if your friend tried to speak out about what is going on at home with her parents? It is typical for the siblings of another mother and father other than that of the child to get away with more and get preferential treatment and while that doesn't make it good, we hope that your friend can seek out other means of feeling like she belong at home. Sometimes it helps to have a good support system in place when so much is happening at once. We imagine that your boyfriend's sister seeks comfort in reaching out to certain types of people but based on what you mentioned about this 23 year old child molester, we wonder if it would help to inform others of the situation at hand?

When do you plan to speak to your boyfriend's sister again? Are you able to inform her of the consequences of leaving and what she hopes to do to survive when she is gone? Do you know if they are planning to travel across state line? If you want to know more about those sorts of laws and what can be done to protect someone, you can contact either your local police or organization such as Polly Klass Foundation at 1800-587-4357 to know more about child safety materials and legislations. Are you able to make her aware that traveling across state line can get an adult in trouble for taking a minor out of state without parental permission?

Your concerns and fears are valid but why do you feel it is going to be your fault for her getting hurt? We commend you for doing your best to help out but do you see any good coming from it, if you were to inform the adults in her family. We imagine you feel a certain way about all of these events because you are aware of all the facts involved but please try to not be so hard on yourself. After all, you are probably one of few people giving attention to this child's real issues since her parents seems to be very busy with other things. We wish we had accessible ways to communicate with you other than bulletins and or phones call but we want to help in any way we can.

Have you consider contacting the police to see what they could tell you about how to handle it? Do you think you can have the child involved call us at our number for some support. Are you able to have her figure out ways to distract herself more from stresses at home and get more involved in productive activities in school or in the community? If the child runs, the parents do have the right to file a runaway report but once the child is found, the police is expected to bring her home. However, it is illegal for anyone to harbor a minor and this could mean prison sentence for this 23 year old if caught aiding this child. Have they consider any other means of opening up as a family? We have resources in our database for free counseling for families in every state and hope that you can count on us for resources to give to your friend, if necessary. We are not able to track runaways but can connect you to agencies that serves our population by making posters or helping to distribute them if this child leaves home. We hope that you try to stay strong and get some real help from your friend. We want to hear from you both and please try to show her your support because we imagine these are troubling times for her. Good luck.

-NRS

[Guest]

Re: how do i help her?

she has said that she is not going to at the moment but i know that she is smart enough to just say that so that me and her brother will not be watching as close which makes me watch even closer at the moment. also only my mom currenly knows about her gf being what she is. also i know if i tell her dad he might get mad enough to possibly hit me or her which would then cause her brother to fight her dad.
i have also talked to my school consusular about it and she said to talk 2 the police just as you did. i tryed calling them on my cell that way they would not know anything about me and they said they can do nothing inless they know the child is aready with the person that they ran away to or if they know the exact day it will happen. both of which may casue the child to end up with no help. but then again the police here are .... well i will not say any names
yes i would feel bad if anything happened to her. after all with me being with her brother i see her like a sister also i have depression that has yet to be helped in anyway so i am having breakdowns becasue of her talking about this

[ccsmod6]

Re: how do i help her?

Thank you for continuing to share with us what is going on. You have done a lot to try and help your boyfriend’s sister and she is really lucky to have someone who cares this much about her and is so willing to try and help.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you have already tried to reach out to a couple of different adults for help--your mother, the school counselor, and the police. Unfortunately, it sounds like your school counselor and the police were not very helpful. We’re sorry to hear that they did not have a more effective solution for you. Has your mom offered you any advice? You wrote that she is the only one who “knows about her gf being what she is”. Are you referring to your fear that her girlfriend is a child molester? What does your mom think about all of this? While it is understandable that you are hesitant to tell your boyfriend’s father about what is going on since you think that he might physically retaliate against you or your boyfriend, do you think that if he knew the situation he would be able to keep his daughter safe? What do you think that her father will be angry with you for? Do you think that someone else such as your mother or the school counselor could fill him in? What do you think might happen then?

From everything you told us, it is obvious that you are very worried about your boyfriend’s sister safety. But, it is also important to make sure that you continue to take care of yourself as you deserve to be happy. How have you been coping with your stress? You wrote that you have depression, but that you have never been helped for it. Have you ever told anyone that you feel depressed? What has their reaction been? If you are interested, we can help you find a counselor that you would be able to talk to on a regular basis. They could support you through this and hopefully offer some relief so that you would not end up breaking down.

Good luck,
NRS

[Guest]

Re: how do i help her?

srry i left a little out, and i think her dad would react the same even if my mom was the one to tell him, just as soon as she has left.
as for my depression its a topic i would rather say away from. i used to cut, and i used to not eat for weeks on perpose, aloso i used to beat myself. i tryed sucide 2 times, but only my bf is aware of this. i have gotten myself to become better at manging it however and i only have breakdowns now but i in no way any longer harm myself. i have had this under control for almost 5 or 6 months.
i just need any suggestions on how to convence her that it might not be a good idea. i have tryed asking her what she plans on doing once she is out there wihtout any money or food. or i have asked her what if her gf [the child molestist] is only wanting 2 well.. molest her and kill her? yet nothing seems to get tho her very very thick skull of hers

[ccsmod1]

Re: how do i help her?

Thanks for sharing a little more with us. It’s okay if you left a little out. Sometimes it’s hard to have a thorough conversation through the bulletin boards, so things do get left out. It’s great to hear that you’ve been managing to not harm yourself and feel you have it all under control. It sounds like you went through some difficult times, but have learned more positive coping skills and ways to deal with the stress & other emotions.

It sounds like your focus, though, is on how to help your boyfriend’s sister to not runaway. There’s probably not a “magical” thing to say that will make her decide to stay home. From what you wrote about your discussions with her already, it sounds like you’ve been trying to do some reality checks with her. That’s one thing that we do here. We talk about the possible negative consequences or dangerous situations a youth could get into if they did runaway, even though we never actually tell them not to. Have you seen the 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Running Away article on our website? (Youth and Teens-Tips for Youth-Articles for Youth-2nd article from the top) Sometimes thinking through those questions can be helpful. One other thing you could mention is that if an adult (such as her girlfriend) knowingly lets a runaway stay with them and doesn't call either the police or the youth's parents, this is called harboring a runaway and it's against the law in most states.

In the end though, she may still decide that she wants to runaway. Know you’ve done everything you can do to help keep her safe just by being there and trying to talk to her realistically about running away. Make sure she has our number and let her know that if she does leave, she can call us for free from any pay phone. If she gets into a bad situation and needs help finding a shelter or getting back home, we’d be happy to help her. We can also just talk to her about her different options and how she’s feeling.

Give us a call if you want to talk more in depth about any of this. It may make the process of sharing information easier for both of us! Someone is here 24 hours a day and we’re completely confidential.

[Guest]

Re: how do i help her?

thankz. for now i am telling her simply to just not do it. i told her she should wait till she is at lest 18 where she could get premission to leave. after that shes a adult and whatever she does is her bussiness. i also told her if she ever does [i have given up on trying 2 convence her never to] then that 2 remember i am alwayz just a call away and that i would not tell her dad or anyone if she did not want me 2 and would help her along till she wanted to come back. but for now i just hope she decieds not 2.
thank you for helping me, and thankz for congrating me on not harming myself. i am living proof that u can stop anything if u really want to.
thankz again for helping u guyz helped me alot in trying 2 cope with this.

[ccsmod7]

Re: how do i help her?

We are glad that we were able to help. It can be a really tough situation when you care about someone and don't want them to make a bad decision. But as hard as you may want to stop someone from doing something it's not always that simple. In the end it is going to be her decision whether she wants to leave or not and no matter how much you tell her not to go, she may still do it. It also sounds like you are being an incredible friend, and just being there for her and letting her know that she can call you anytime is a great thing. You should be so proud of yourself for trying to do as much as you can for her, and the fact that she knows you are there for her as a support is probably a huge relief. Also if there is anything else that you or your friend need you can reach us 24 hours a day at 1-800-RUNAWAY. Best of luck with everything and take care.