hospital, cutting or suicide?

[Guest]

Hey--I really need some help here on figuring out what to do...
I was at Intermountain (mental hospital in Boise, Idaho) in late March for depression, thoughts of suicide, running away and for hurting myself and after going there I seemed to get better, or at least feel better somewhat.
And now, here in April, I am starting to feel really depressed again. I've thought about cutting (haven't done it before), and I've started erasing my skin a couple of days ago, and nobody really knows about that. I've tried talking to my parents about it and telling them that I think that I need to go back, and that I almost want to go back, I know that sounds weird, and all they do when I tell them that is that they don't want me to go back because it will give our family a bad reputation and that we don't have the money...and my dad seems to think that I can get through it by myself, which I don't think I can. I'm thinking about killing myself next Saturday if I can't get back to the hospital. And I've even tried telling that to my dad, but all he says is that I'm lying and that I wouldn't kill myself.
I have a therapist but I haven't even ever gone to see him yet. The appointments kept getting more and more delayed, and now I've kind of given up on bugging my parents about going to see him...they don't want me to go.

If I can't figure this out soon I'm probably just going to kill myself. It doesn't seem like there's much left to do.

Oh...and I called the 1-800-SUICIDE number and they seemed to help somewhat--even though I promised that I would call back, which I haven't because my dad is home now so I can't... [edited]...Maybe on these bulletin boards you guys will be friendlier and actually help for once.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Hi. Thanks for posting on our wall and giving us a second chance. We want to first apologize for your experience calling us earlier. From the little you wrote, it doesn’t sound like the person you talked to wasn’t following our guidelines for how we talk to callers. We do have expectations for our liners (the people that answer the phone), but realize that sometimes people will stray from them. Just so you know, it’s perfectly appropriate to ask for a supervisor if you feel that the person you’re talking to isn’t being helpful or worse yet, is rude (or just hang up and call back later, we don't mind).

With that said, it sounds like you’ve been dealing with some really difficult feelings and emotions. You also sound very self-aware about the different issues and possible outcomes from all you’ve been experiencing. We’re so sorry to hear that your parents haven’t been supportive and are more worried about their reputations, then your safety and happiness. Are there people in your life that do support you? It seems from what you wrote that you want the support and guidance that being in an inpatient setting provides you. This goes to show how much you care about yourself. Being able to admit you can’t do it yourself is a sign of great strength and even maturity, so it’s too bad your dad doesn’t seem to understand this. You’ve been doing all you can to reach out for help from those around you. Do you think there are any other ways of talking to your parents to get them to understand how serious this is?

Have you ever attempted suicide in the past? Do you have a plan of how you would do it this time? You may already know this, but you have the right to call the police or go to any hospital if you feel like hurting yourself. Most areas have a mandatory 72 hour holding period for people they deem a suicide risk. This is one option to keep yourself safe if you feel like it might help. One way that the hospital may evaluate your seriousness is using the SLAP scale (developed by Miller 1986). S: how specific are the details of the plan; the greater specificity, the higher the risk. L: how lethal is the intended method; the more lethal method, the higher the risk. A: what is the availability of the proposed method; the more available the means, the higher the risk. P: what is the proximity to helping resources; the farther from help the greater the risk. The fact that you have a date in mind obviously plays into how specific your plan is. What about the other three categories? Do you think if you were to approach your parents with the above scale and your plans, they may take you more seriously?

One thing that we can do here is a conference call with your parents. The way it works is that you would call us and talk to the liner about what’s been going on and how you’ve been feeling. You would mention you want to do a conference call with your parents (if the liner doesn’t bring it up first). We would talk to you before calling them about what you want to discuss with them and what you’d like to get out of the call. We would then call them (whichever one you preferred to talk to) and just briefly explain who we are and why we’re calling. We wouldn’t tell them anything you’d told us. Then we’d bring all three of us together. At that time, we would set up ground rules for the conversation such as no interrupting, yelling, etc. We want to give both parties a chance to speak and be listened to. We could then help you talk to them about how much you feel you need professional help (either hospital or therapy) for all this and need their support to do so. It may not make them completely change their perspectives, but it may be worth a shot. You’re welcome to give us a call if you want to try this. One thing to keep in mind is that if you may not want to be in the same house during the conference call your parents could potentially just make you hang up the phone, but we’ve done conference calls like that before.

Even though it’s probably extremely hard to keep fighting to get the help you need, it’s great that you are. It shows your dedication and devotion to bettering yourself. We’re glad to read that you recognize that the hospital in Boise helped when you were there. It sounds like you just need more long-term help, whether it be going back to the hospital for some time or getting into regular therapy. It’s tough sometimes when youth are able to see the reality of things more than their parents (when their parents are the ones that have control over a lot of things). But in the end, with the way you’re feeling there is help out there for you whether your parents agree and consent to it or not. If it comes down to needing to call 911 to keep yourself safe, do you think you could do it? We could also conference a call to your local law enforcement if you didn’t feel comfortable doing it yourself.

As alone as you probably feel, know you’re not. Other people may not be able to tell you exactly what to do, but we (and the suicide hotline) are here to support you in any way we can. The road to feeling better will probably be a long and often times hard one, but with the proper support and personal determination, you’ll make it. Give us a call again if you want to utilize any of the above services, if you want referrals to any local organizations or just want to talk more about any of this. Someone is here 24/7.

[Guest]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

I've tried so hard to talk to my parents and they never ever seem to understand. They always think that I can get through it and that I can live through "another day" but they don't get how I really am feeling. I've tried so hard to make them understand but they just don't get it.

I have attempted suicide in the past by overdosing...I didn't ever take enough to do anything though. And as far as a plan for this time is, I have a couple of ideas in mind and they would be things that are extremely easily accesible. And for the categories--they are all pretty high as far as the risk scale goes, but I don't think it would really matter to my parents...they are just the kind of people that don't care what is said, they stick to their original ideas.

I don't think that a conference call with my parents would be such a good idea--they would probably just get PISTED afterwards--and I wouldn't be able to call 911 by myself...but if I ever think about calling 911 first I think I'll set up a conference call...and then I won't chicken out either.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Wow. That was a quick reply back! Sorry that your parents don’t ever seem to understand. It’s probably extremely frustrating to feel like you’ve tried to talk to them in a number of different ways, but they still never get it. Do they make you want to scream? It’s probably like talking to a wall. We completely understand that conferencing a call isn’t for everyone. Some parents wouldn’t go for it at all and it could make things worse after it’s over. That’s why we just throw it out there as an option and never tell youth what to do.

Is there anything that you do that seems to help you cope with everything? That may seem like a silly question since you’re probably feeling like you’re not coping and that’s why you have the thoughts you do. But is there anything in your life that brings you some peace and takes the pain away for a while, something that’s positive? Maybe once you’re able to see the therapist (if it finally stops getting delayed), he or she can really help you find positive coping mechanisms and offer you the support you need.

We’re glad to hear that you think you could call us if you wanted to conference with 911. We’re always available and they’re always available, so anytime day or night you can call us. We’d be happy to conference with them anytime. There are also local organizations or mental health lines that could possibly help, which we could also conference with. Again, just the fact that you’re reaching out for help shows how much you want to start feeling better. Keep searching and working towards it.

[Guest]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Yea...I've been on the computer for a really long time and I keep waiting for a reply...so they're pretty fast back. haha

My parents ALWAYS make me want to scream. Like tonight I went outside and was laying down for awhile when my mom came outside and she was yelling at me about how I needed to come outside. All I was doing was listening to music! I wasn't even doing anything wrong! And it's not like I had things to do!

I try to cope by like taking a walk, or listening to music...but with how my parents are, that usually doesn't work out. I don't get why they won't let me have some freedom so that I maybe can feel better. It's just so frustrating.
I walk home from school everyday--so sometimes that helps--but I was walking right by the canal and thought about just jumping over the railing. It wouldn't be that hard and it's basically impossible to live from jumping into the canal.

Gosh...I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like there's anything left.

[ccsmod2]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Thanks for contacting us again! It seems as if there are a lot of situations that you may need to talk about and discuss with someone. We are here if you think it is necessary to call. We are available 24 hours and are confidential. Do you think you may give us a call soon so that we can talk more about a plan and some options for you?

Is is ok that your parents make you scream! A lot of youth your age probably feel this same way! It is very frustrated when you feel like your parents are "bothering' you for no reason. You seemed to just be relaxing by laying out and listening to some music. It seems unfair that you are not allowed any time to yourself. It is also a good thing that you recognize the ways that you are trying to cope with your situation. Kudos to you, because sometimes you may have a tough time trying to change the way your parents act towards you, but finding ways to put energy in other things so that you won't be as upset are very positive actions.

You mentioned wanting to jump into the canal. Is this something you can actually see yourself doing? How would this affect your family and friends? This is truly a concern because you have mentioned feelings of suicide previously. What was it that prevented you from acting on any of the previous suicidal thoughts? What about this time?

Sometimes when we find ourselves in tough situations, it is hard to see anything positive coming out of it. Sometimes you just may want to give up, but with some support and options, you just may be able to find other alternatives. This is definitely what we are here for. We would encourage you to give our hotline a call if you can. It may benefit you greatly to speak to somehere here about some options for your situation and how you can do certain things that may change how you are feeling. If you choose to call, our number is 1-800-RUNAWAY. Again, we are available 24/7.

[Guest]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

I don't know if I will be able to call--it always seems like I get around too many people and I don't really have a way to call. But if I do get a chance I will.

Well I was walking home the other day from school and I walked right by the canal and I thought about just jumping in. I know that death is basically guarenteed and it was so close and it would have been so easy to that yea...I do see myself jumping into the canal. I don't really think that my family and friends would care that much. I know they say that they do, but they always say that they want me dead that maybe it is true and they would be better off. Earlier I didn't kill myself because I was admitted to the hospital--but my dad won't allow me to go again, like I stated earlier. This time, I didn't jump because I kinda chickened out and there are TONS of cars that drive by so I was in fear of a neighbor or somebody I know seeing me jump.

But I learned about heart rythyms today in Sports Medicine and about how if heart beats are too fast then you can take medicine to really slow it down, so I was thinking instead about getting that kind of medicine. I don't think that would be hard to get my hands on...I just don't know what else to do anymore. I don't even know if I want to kill myself for sure! I'm so scared and confused.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

We understand that sometimes there are too many people around to call. As long as you know the number for when you are able to call. Keep in mind our number is free from any payphone!

It’s not fair that you have to feel the way you do about you family and friends not caring. It’s obvious from all your different postings that you’re in a lot of pain right now and just want it all to end. It’s probably hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. Have you tried thinking about the goals you have for yourself and what you want to accomplish someday? Maybe making a list of these things will help you have something to look and work towards. Sometimes even just putting silly things on the list help (like skydive or swim with dolphins).

The fact that you don’t even know if you want to kill yourself for sure or not shows how much you’re just searching for someway to stop all the pain you’re going through, but not necessarily end you life. Suicide is an option that there’s no going back on, so it’s good that you’re really thinking about it.

In one of your first posts you mentioned that your parents haven’t been very proactive about setting up an appointment for you to see a therapist. Do you want us to search for resources in your area that may be able to help you in this area? Maybe a counselor or someone you could start talking to? We’d be happy to look for resources if you provide us with a city and state to look it. We can also conference with such agencies should you ever call us (which was explained in one of our earlier posts). Let us know if there’s anything specific we can help with. We’re glad that we’ve been able to be here for you to “talk” through some of what’s going on. Stay strong! And remember call us if you ever want help calling 911 to get you to a safe place.

[Guest]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Goals? What goals? If I don't even think I'm going to make it to next month why even make impossible goals?
Wait...
I do have a goal...
that is to kill myself.

I have a question about therapists and such though--is there like a free clinic or something that I could go to and talk to somebody and so that my parents wouldn't know about it (well, quite obviously, unless something HORRIFIC went wrong), so that I don't have to bug them about it?

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Sorry for bugging you guys...
I probably shouldn't any more.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Don’t worry about it. Seriously, you are not bugging us! That’s what we’re here for. We want to help you in anyway we can. And even if there’s nothing tangible we can do, we hope that you at least feel supported (even if it’s just a little bit).

When it comes to a therapist or counselor, there may be places you could go to that could talk to you. Different states have different “consent” laws. Meaning some may want your parent’s consent before talking to you, others may need it in order to do more than a couple sessions and others may not need it at all. That’s definitely something that is worth asking a counseling agency. Most therapists may want your parents to be involved in the therapy in some way, how much is up to the individual therapist. You’re in school, correct? Is there a therapist at school that you could talk to maybe? Not just the guidance counselor. Most schools do have clinical psychologists (aka therapist) that may be able to talk to you while you’re at school.

Any more questions, you know where to find us. We’ll do our best to answer them.

[Guest]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

We do have like a social work/counsler at our school, besides like our regular counslers...and I've tried talking to them but they never seem to help and they seem to just flip out and go running to our parents. So...it's not completely something that I would want to consider.

What if like I go back to the hospital--I know that they would have to contact my parents, but could I walk in and they could like..."make" me be admittted?

--I do live in Boise, Idaho if that info is needed at all.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Sorry to hear that the counselors at your school haven’t been entirely helpful. It makes sense why you wouldn’t want to go to them.

It’s possible that if you went back to the hospital and told them how you were feeling and your plans, they would admit you again. It’s good that you know that your parents would have to be contacted, but maybe they could talk to your parents about how serious all this is. You were only at the hospital for a short time, so maybe if you were to go again they would realize that you need more long-term treatment.

When we searched in Boise the most appropriate resource we found was the Intermountain Hospital, which is the one you mentioned you were at in March. In case you don’t already have it, their number it #208-377-8400. There’s also the general Mental Health Services that may be able to offer some help/guidance #208-334-6747. Also, there’s the Hays Shelter Home, which has extensive services for youth, including a runaway youth shelter, counseling/therapy and several support groups, #208-322-6687. There are a couple community counseling centers in case you want any of their numbers.

It sounds like you’re trying to find anyway to get back into the hospital, even if you need to just go down there yourself. We’re glad to read that you’re still searching for anyway to get the help you need.

[Guest]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

I would really appreciate if you could give me those numbers--I've been looking all over for them and have yet to find any.

Urgh.
This is so freaking difficult. I so almost just want to give up.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

No problem! Here are the ones that came up when we searched our database. I tried to put them in the order of relevance from the info that we have about each organization. The Hays Shelter Home also has counseling, as we mentioned before.

*Warm Springs Counseling Center #208-343-7797 (serves ages 3-1
*Lutheran Community Services #208-323-0996 (serves all ages)
*Counterpoint Center #208-377-8400 (serves all ages). This has the same number as the Intermountain Hospital, so is probably run through the hospital.
*Region IV Integrated Screening/Mobile Crisis Unit #208-334-0808 (serves under 1
*Salvation Army-Booth Family Care Center #208-343-3571 (serves all ages)

Even if you feel like giving up, you haven't yet!

[Guest]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Thanks...I will probably call one of them sometime if I get a chance...

Ugh. I don't even feel like I can talk to anybody anymore...
like my friend and I were texting ealier and I don't know. I just feel so lost and confused.
I really don't even know where to go or what to do anymore.

And it HURTS me to have to put pressure on other people and make myself feel like a burden, so I usually just ignore help, either that or I am too afraid to ask for help. I always feel like I'm such a burden to everybody else and that I don't need to be here and stay a burden to them. I SERIOUSLY don't get the point of staying alive any longer. There really isn't much of a point to it.