hospital, cutting or suicide?

[ccsmod3]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Hey,

Glad you were able to call them but sounds like they weren't able to help you where you find it necessary. Fortunately, we are an agency where we hold true to our confidentiality and anonymity statements: as long as you don't share identifying information about your location or identity, we can talk about whatever you'd like.

It also seems like you are trying to make the best decision for yourself and trying to think it out as best as you can...you have progressed so much throughout these last few bulletin post. Would you be willing to call in and talk with us on the hotlines? Again, as long as you don't give us any identifying information, there will be no reporting. We're at 1800.RUNAWAY

We'll be here when you call,

-NRS

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

I did try and call them, and I even started going to a therapist, but nothing seems to be helping. I'm too afraid to open up to anybody about much of it if I'm sitting right there in front of them, or even on the phone or like instant messaging because I know that I'll start crying and I know that they have to report if I'm having even more suicidial thoughts or if my situation "gets worse" so it's really hard for me to actually reach out for help through people I know or would come to know. I know they want to help, but I'm almost keeping myself from getting help. I don't know how to actually open up and get help.

Like I said and you quoted, I don't know if I want to kill myself. I always go back and forth on killing myself, or at least like running away or dropping out or doing something but I know that once I do it I can't go back and change my mind. We don't get a rewind button for our lives and that makes it extremely difficult. That's almost the only thing keeping me here. I don't really have any friends to talk to about any of it that will actually listen and help because it's like I've told them so many times that I'm going to kill myself that they don't believe me anymore, even though I feel more of an urgency to do it each time. And my parents won't listen, as if they would even care. I already have a date and method set...I don't know if anybody will be able to get me to not do it this time.

[ccsmod7]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Thanks for reaching out to us again. Sorry to hear that things are not going well at the moment. The last time you contacted us you mentioned that you may try and get in touch with some of the resources you were given. Did you try any of the numbers that we gave you before? If so what was the outcome of those calls? Where you able to speak with anyone that was helpful? It’s great that you have been able to open up about this situation, but it also sounds like you are having suicidal thoughts again. Feeling suicidal can be a very scary situation, and one that’s not always easy to open up about, so you should be very proud of yourself for being able to come back to this forum and share your story. While you wrote that killing yourself is an idea that has crossed your mind, you also said “I don’t even know if I want to.” It sounds like you are pretty frustrated and fed-up with the situation, which is completely understandable. But you also sound like an incredibly strong person who is reaching out for help, and that is an amazing thing.

If you haven’t already tried some of the resources that were given, do you still think that is an option? If you don’t feel comfortable calling on your own, you can always give us a call and we would be happy to do a CC with the agencies and help advocate for your situation. As said before most of these places are probably open during weekdays, so that may be the best time to call. In the meantime, stay safe, and if you feel that you are at the point where you are not going to be safe you can always call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY, there is always someone here to help, 24 hours a day. Best of luck and take care.

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Urgh.
I've tried EVERYTHING and I'm back at killing myself again. I don't even know if I want to. It's so hard to think that if I could even make it another 15 years in my life.
And people keep saying that once I get out of high school that my life will get better--I only have 2 years left. But I know that it won't get better. I know the pain and the depression won't go away.
alksjdlfjlaskdjfklasjdflk

I'm just soooo scared right now and I'm scaring myself sooo much. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Good to hear that you’re planning on calling them when you can. Most of them are probably business hours, just so you know.

It’s completely understandable why you would feel like a burden to others, since you’re the one that has to fight for yourself. It’s not fair that you have to be the one putting pressure on your parents for help; it’s usually the other way around. That just shows how mature you are and how aware you are of your needs. In the end, YOU are important and you deserve just as much happiness and peace as everyone else. So even when you feel like giving up, just remember that. We’re here to support and empower you to make the best decisions for you. Plus, you’ve been able to ask us for help and you haven’t put any burden on us!

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Thanks...I will probably call one of them sometime if I get a chance...

Ugh. I don't even feel like I can talk to anybody anymore...
like my friend and I were texting ealier and I don't know. I just feel so lost and confused.
I really don't even know where to go or what to do anymore.

And it HURTS me to have to put pressure on other people and make myself feel like a burden, so I usually just ignore help, either that or I am too afraid to ask for help. I always feel like I'm such a burden to everybody else and that I don't need to be here and stay a burden to them. I SERIOUSLY don't get the point of staying alive any longer. There really isn't much of a point to it.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

No problem! Here are the ones that came up when we searched our database. I tried to put them in the order of relevance from the info that we have about each organization. The Hays Shelter Home also has counseling, as we mentioned before.

*Warm Springs Counseling Center #208-343-7797 (serves ages 3-1
*Lutheran Community Services #208-323-0996 (serves all ages)
*Counterpoint Center #208-377-8400 (serves all ages). This has the same number as the Intermountain Hospital, so is probably run through the hospital.
*Region IV Integrated Screening/Mobile Crisis Unit #208-334-0808 (serves under 1
*Salvation Army-Booth Family Care Center #208-343-3571 (serves all ages)

Even if you feel like giving up, you haven't yet!

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

I would really appreciate if you could give me those numbers--I've been looking all over for them and have yet to find any.

Urgh.
This is so freaking difficult. I so almost just want to give up.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Sorry to hear that the counselors at your school haven’t been entirely helpful. It makes sense why you wouldn’t want to go to them.

It’s possible that if you went back to the hospital and told them how you were feeling and your plans, they would admit you again. It’s good that you know that your parents would have to be contacted, but maybe they could talk to your parents about how serious all this is. You were only at the hospital for a short time, so maybe if you were to go again they would realize that you need more long-term treatment.

When we searched in Boise the most appropriate resource we found was the Intermountain Hospital, which is the one you mentioned you were at in March. In case you don’t already have it, their number it #208-377-8400. There’s also the general Mental Health Services that may be able to offer some help/guidance #208-334-6747. Also, there’s the Hays Shelter Home, which has extensive services for youth, including a runaway youth shelter, counseling/therapy and several support groups, #208-322-6687. There are a couple community counseling centers in case you want any of their numbers.

It sounds like you’re trying to find anyway to get back into the hospital, even if you need to just go down there yourself. We’re glad to read that you’re still searching for anyway to get the help you need.

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

We do have like a social work/counsler at our school, besides like our regular counslers...and I've tried talking to them but they never seem to help and they seem to just flip out and go running to our parents. So...it's not completely something that I would want to consider.

What if like I go back to the hospital--I know that they would have to contact my parents, but could I walk in and they could like..."make" me be admittted?

--I do live in Boise, Idaho if that info is needed at all.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Don’t worry about it. Seriously, you are not bugging us! That’s what we’re here for. We want to help you in anyway we can. And even if there’s nothing tangible we can do, we hope that you at least feel supported (even if it’s just a little bit).

When it comes to a therapist or counselor, there may be places you could go to that could talk to you. Different states have different “consent” laws. Meaning some may want your parent’s consent before talking to you, others may need it in order to do more than a couple sessions and others may not need it at all. That’s definitely something that is worth asking a counseling agency. Most therapists may want your parents to be involved in the therapy in some way, how much is up to the individual therapist. You’re in school, correct? Is there a therapist at school that you could talk to maybe? Not just the guidance counselor. Most schools do have clinical psychologists (aka therapist) that may be able to talk to you while you’re at school.

Any more questions, you know where to find us. We’ll do our best to answer them.

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Goals? What goals? If I don't even think I'm going to make it to next month why even make impossible goals?
Wait...
I do have a goal...
that is to kill myself.

I have a question about therapists and such though--is there like a free clinic or something that I could go to and talk to somebody and so that my parents wouldn't know about it (well, quite obviously, unless something HORRIFIC went wrong), so that I don't have to bug them about it?

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Sorry for bugging you guys...
I probably shouldn't any more.

[ccsmod1]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

We understand that sometimes there are too many people around to call. As long as you know the number for when you are able to call. Keep in mind our number is free from any payphone!

It’s not fair that you have to feel the way you do about you family and friends not caring. It’s obvious from all your different postings that you’re in a lot of pain right now and just want it all to end. It’s probably hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. Have you tried thinking about the goals you have for yourself and what you want to accomplish someday? Maybe making a list of these things will help you have something to look and work towards. Sometimes even just putting silly things on the list help (like skydive or swim with dolphins).

The fact that you don’t even know if you want to kill yourself for sure or not shows how much you’re just searching for someway to stop all the pain you’re going through, but not necessarily end you life. Suicide is an option that there’s no going back on, so it’s good that you’re really thinking about it.

In one of your first posts you mentioned that your parents haven’t been very proactive about setting up an appointment for you to see a therapist. Do you want us to search for resources in your area that may be able to help you in this area? Maybe a counselor or someone you could start talking to? We’d be happy to look for resources if you provide us with a city and state to look it. We can also conference with such agencies should you ever call us (which was explained in one of our earlier posts). Let us know if there’s anything specific we can help with. We’re glad that we’ve been able to be here for you to “talk” through some of what’s going on. Stay strong! And remember call us if you ever want help calling 911 to get you to a safe place.

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

I don't know if I will be able to call--it always seems like I get around too many people and I don't really have a way to call. But if I do get a chance I will.

Well I was walking home the other day from school and I walked right by the canal and I thought about just jumping in. I know that death is basically guarenteed and it was so close and it would have been so easy to that yea...I do see myself jumping into the canal. I don't really think that my family and friends would care that much. I know they say that they do, but they always say that they want me dead that maybe it is true and they would be better off. Earlier I didn't kill myself because I was admitted to the hospital--but my dad won't allow me to go again, like I stated earlier. This time, I didn't jump because I kinda chickened out and there are TONS of cars that drive by so I was in fear of a neighbor or somebody I know seeing me jump.

But I learned about heart rythyms today in Sports Medicine and about how if heart beats are too fast then you can take medicine to really slow it down, so I was thinking instead about getting that kind of medicine. I don't think that would be hard to get my hands on...I just don't know what else to do anymore. I don't even know if I want to kill myself for sure! I'm so scared and confused.

[ccsmod2]

Re: hospital, cutting or suicide?

Thanks for contacting us again! It seems as if there are a lot of situations that you may need to talk about and discuss with someone. We are here if you think it is necessary to call. We are available 24 hours and are confidential. Do you think you may give us a call soon so that we can talk more about a plan and some options for you?

Is is ok that your parents make you scream! A lot of youth your age probably feel this same way! It is very frustrated when you feel like your parents are "bothering' you for no reason. You seemed to just be relaxing by laying out and listening to some music. It seems unfair that you are not allowed any time to yourself. It is also a good thing that you recognize the ways that you are trying to cope with your situation. Kudos to you, because sometimes you may have a tough time trying to change the way your parents act towards you, but finding ways to put energy in other things so that you won't be as upset are very positive actions.

You mentioned wanting to jump into the canal. Is this something you can actually see yourself doing? How would this affect your family and friends? This is truly a concern because you have mentioned feelings of suicide previously. What was it that prevented you from acting on any of the previous suicidal thoughts? What about this time?

Sometimes when we find ourselves in tough situations, it is hard to see anything positive coming out of it. Sometimes you just may want to give up, but with some support and options, you just may be able to find other alternatives. This is definitely what we are here for. We would encourage you to give our hotline a call if you can. It may benefit you greatly to speak to somehere here about some options for your situation and how you can do certain things that may change how you are feeling. If you choose to call, our number is 1-800-RUNAWAY. Again, we are available 24/7.