suicide

[Guest]

I had been having extreme suicidal thoughts a few weeks ago and went to the mental hospital for a week to see if that could help me, and I thought it had. But now I'm starting to feel really suicidal again. I keep telling myself and my friends that I PROMISE that I won't kill myself, but somehow within myself I feel like there isn't any way that I will be able to keep that promise. I'm thinking that I really do want to kill myself...I don't know what else to do. While I was at the hospital I was diagnosed with "Major Depressive Disorder due to Abuse" and so when I was offered to be given medication I turned it down because I strongly believe in going without medicine. I know what I would do to kill myself, and my parents are almost encouraging it...they went as far as to tell me where the gun was in our house. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. And I don't want my friends to be scared or feel like I'm in danger of hurting myself because I feel bad for putting so much on their shoulders, thinking about if I will make it to tomorrow or not. And I REALLY REALLY don't want to go back to the hospital again.

I've read something about a No-Suicide Contract and was wondering what exactly that is. And if you have any other suggestions or help I would GREATLY appreciate it.

Thank you.

[ccsmod2]

Re: suicide

Thanks for contacting us here at NRS. We are so sorry to hear that you are having serious thoughts of suicide because of depression you are experiencing. Have you actually come up with a plan on how you would carry out this suicide? It is sad to hear you say that your parents are encouraging it byt telling you where a gun is located. You mentioned that you went to a mental hospital and that they tried to put you on medication that you refused. Did they mention anything about you actually being admitted to the hospital on suicide watch or anything? What is it that happened at the hospital that you believed to have helped you out? It is really unfortunate that some of those same suicidal feelings are coming back to surface. There is a National Suicide Hotline that is available 24 hours a day that you may want to try calling to see if you can get some immediate assistance for the feelings that you are having. They can be reached at 800-273-TALK. It seems as if you are really concerned with hurting the people around who seem to really care about you such as your friends. It is very thoughtful of you to have them at mind while you are experiencing a great deal of pain yourself. You say that you really would not want to go back to the hospital. Do you want to get any help with how to deal with how you are feeling.

You asked about a "no-sucide contract"- it is a useful tool in helping to prevent suicide. They are not legal documents but simply short and easy to understand documents used by therapist and more recently, by family and friends of people who are suicidal to outline what that person needs to do if he or she becomes suicidal. The first and most important section of no-suicide contract is the agreement that the individual signing the contract will, under no circumstances, die by suicide. The next section lists names and phone numbers that an individual needs to call if he or she becomes suicidal. The overall objectives of no-suicide contracts include: 1) Establishing a mindset in which the individual realizes that it is never okay to die by suicide and 2) Giving the person a way to get help if he or she is suicidal -- most people are in deep emotional pain, very confused, and unsure of what to do when they are suicidal, so by writing down a list of things to do and people to contact, they will not have to "think things out" - the information will be right in front of them.
And just like with any other contract, after the agreement has been completed, all people involved sign and date the contract.

You can find more information to read up on at http://WWW.SUICIDE.ORG. You can also actually view a copy of one if this is more helpful.

If you have any more questions about anything or if you want to just talk to us here, we too are available 24 hours and are confidential. You can reach us at 1-800-RUNAWAY. We can be here to support you in any way that you need.

[Guest]

Re: suicide

Yea--I do have a plan for carrying out suicide...and that is ultimately why I was admitted to the hospital, because I had a time, date, place, and all those details already planned out, so it was somewhat of a suicide watch. Obviously some of those plans have changed now because it's later in the year, but I still have a date set so that if "I don't feel better by then I will carry out suicide." But I'm scared to talk to my friends about that again, because it was one of my friends that got me to go to the hospital, which I don't really want to go back to. I'm surprised that I got on here to talk about it.
At the hospital I think that it helped me because I felt a sense of security--I'm not really sure if I really want to die or not, so I knew that at least while I was there that I had to stay alive and try to figure things out. And it was really nice to get away from my "normal" life for awhile.
I'm not sure if I want to get help with how I'm feeling. Part of me wants to because I really don't think that I want to die, I just want the pain to go away, but part of me just like can't talk to people about it. I don't know why I wouldn't want to. I just don't want my parents or friends to find out I'm feeling this way again and if I were to talk to a counsler or therapist about it then I would probably just have to go back to the hospital which I really really don't want to do.
And thank you for the phone numbers. I have your phone number and now the suicide hotline number under speed dial so that it will be easy to reach you if I need to...even though I really don't like talking over the phone. And thanks for the information on the contract. I'm thinking that I'm going to write that out...even if I'm the only one that will ever look at it, I usually am more likely to follow things and "plans of action" if they're written down.

[ccsmod1]

Re: suicide

Thanks for writing back. It definitely sounds like you’ve thought a lot about how you would commit suicide, but it also sounds like you don’t really want to do it. We understand how hard it is to ask for help, so we commend you for writing on our bulletin boards. Even though you don’t want to go back to the hospital, do you think you could tell someone if you really need to go back to keep yourself safe? Obviously your safety is the primary concern, correct? Did you receive any sort of follow-up care from a counselor or therapist after you left the hospital last time? Do you think maybe getting into long-term therapy might help you process through all you’ve been going through? Some of the feelings you described aren’t easy to get through on your own, which you’ve probably already discovered. Maybe you would have to go to the hospital again initially, but then afterwards you could start to really work through your feelings, emotions, and try to alleviate some of the pain you’re feeling. As you know, going to a hospital is just to keep you safe for a short time and to begin the process of healing, but it’s usually not the whole process. It’s not an easy course, but with the proper support and guidance it would take a lot of the burden off you and you wouldn’t have to feel like you’re in this by yourself. It’s great that you’ve reached out to friends in the past and you obviously care a great deal about them even now. If you get to the date that you have in your mind now, do you think you could talk to someone? You’re a strong individual just to make it this far. Suicide is a permanent option, so it's great that you're really thinking through this and it sounds like you are still unsure if it's something you even want to do. And the fact that you’re reaching out to us and researching different techniques to help yourself, show your personal determination and initiative to keep yourself safe. But it’s probably a lot to bear on your own, and that’s why there are people out there that care and want to help; whether it’s a hotline, a counselor/therapist, a hospital, friends. We encourage you to continue trying to talk to others about it, as hard as it may be. You’ve taken a great step with us thus far. We’re always here and available to talk when you feel ready to do so. Of course, the suicide hotline is also always available. It's great to hear you have both our numbers on speed dial. We want to empower you to make the right choices for yourself and will help in anyway we can.

[Guest]

Re: suicide

I don't know if I could tell somebody if I needed to go back...the one thing that really would keep me from going back is what my dad said to me while I was in there, which was that he wanted me out of there because he thought I was just a waste of their money...even though my parents are really rich. I suppose safety is my primary concern...I do self injure (not cutting), so to some degree I ignore those thoughts when I am injuring myself...it seems to help even though I know in the long run it will only hurt me worse.
After I got out of the hospital I set a date to go to a therapist and all that happened was the day went by...I didn't even go because my mom didn't think I needed to, but I was just too afraid to tell her that I thought that I needed to go.
I would like to think that long-term therapy would help me, but I know that my parents would just guilt trip me during it, I don't know if it would be better to avoid the stress of the guilt tripping or deal with the stress of everyting else. I don't even know what to do anymore. I've been thinking about running away a lot too, and all I would probably end up doing is checking myself into the hospital...maybe?
If I get to that date I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Right now I'm stuck 50/50 on killing myself and staying alive...so I honestly don't know what I would do. I know with my original plans I wasn't going to let ANYBODY stop me, but it's kind of changed after last time and realizing how much people really do care.

[ccsmod4]

Re: suicide

We thank you again for contacting us about your situation.
It sounds like you have a pretty good idea on what is right and what is wrong for you when you talk about your thoughts on coping with your feelings. We're sorry you dad has not made more supportive comments to you about your therapy but it would seem very important to ask yourself how do you feel about the
progressyou've made.
Is it helping you focus and learn to understand your feelings and where they come from? Do you Have a crisis plan for coping when you feel stress?
You have said you put off therapy because your mom decided she did not think you needed it even though
you felt you needed and wanted to go but you did not tell her. What would you do differently should that
situation occur again? Hey parents may not always understand what you're going through or say the
right things but how will they ever come to understand if you decide to not talk about your feelings
and your desire to continue therapy because it helps. What do you want your parents role to be in helping you find some solid ground?
How do you define your role? You said you now realize how much people care about you after the last time.
Does it mean by your contacting us you are just as concerned for yourself as others are ? Would that
change the percentages for you to live?
It sounds like this has been a very difficult thing for you to deal with and we support your every effort to reach out for a listening ear or helping hand and hope you continue to do so.

Take care,
NRS