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Keeping away

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  • Keeping away

    Okay, where do I start? I've never done these things before.

    Perhaps I should start with a bit of background. You guys can call me [names taken out for confidentiality]. I was born July 30, 1999. My mental development by far exceeds my physical age: I have the mind of a college freshman.

    On that, I'm EXTREMELY intelligent. I'll be going to 10th grade this year, once school starts. I've taken the ACT twice already. Once in 7th grade, I made an 18. Again this year, I made a 21. I'm planning to be a veterinarian.

    To get back to the topic, I should probably tell you why the scores are so low if I have this level of intellect. I'm lazy, alright? I know that I have the intelligence, but I don't have the motivation to back it up. I've already proved myself. I shouldn't have to waste my life away at a school where they teach us the exact same things, over and over.

    Now, to change the subject to a different aspect of my life: My parents. I live with neither of them. My father has been in and out of jail since before I was born, and my mother was recently arrested for drug paraphernalia, harboring a fugitive, possession of an illegal firearm, along with a few other things.

    I want NOTHING to do with either of them. I live with my great aunt and uncle now, but it's becoming a bit overbearing here, and I'll tell you why.

    I have to hide myself. The real me. Not because I'm beat, or sexually assaulted, nothing like that.

    Let's see... I'm different. I'm bisexual, which I'm sure they wouldn't mind too much.

    I'm different. I'm transgender, which they would mind significantly more. I found out that I no longer wanted to be male when I was around six years of age, and since then I've only grown more and more unhappy with my body.

    I'm... different. One of a few hundred thousand, scattered across the globe. Something much rarer, and perhaps... More disturbing... than being transgender. It's a type of stress relief and a major source of comfort for me. This is the biggest thing that I hide, nobody other than people from the internet know.

    I'm an infantilist. If you don't know what that is, it's essentially someone who likes to act younger than they are.

    I like diapers, pacifiers, bottles, stuffed animals... All of it. It's not some phase, if you want to tell me that: I've known about this before I knew I was transgender. It's a major form of stress relief for me. And, yet, I can't act on it or express myself, which means that I'm always stressed, with no way to channel it other than trying to suppress it or, once it finally builds up enough, either I go into a depression, or it results in outbursts of violence and rage.

    I'd like to be able to just come out and tell everyone in the same way that I'm telling you. If it keeps up, I'll likely post this entire message on FaceBook. But the only thing holding me back is that I'm too shy and self-conscious to say anything.

    Honestly? I'm ready to leave. Make my own life. It's not a crime to leave home in Louisiana, the state where I live, and I know for a fact that I can keep myself alive. But that's my last resort. I want to be myself, without having to hide. I want to be loved for the real me, not this image that I've kept up for years now.

    So please, read and respond to this. It's a cry for help, and I would really appreciate any offered.

    Thanks for your time.
    [names taken out for confidentiality]

  • #2
    Re: Keeping away

    Thank you for having the courage to reach out and tell us a bit of your story. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now and the big issue is that you have a lot of things you feel you need to hide but would love to be open about. It's completely understandable that this may be a stressful situation to feel like you can't completely be yourself. It's not always easy to open up and especially open up about things that you feel others may not understand. It sounds like your aunt and uncle are supportive of you but it has gotten to the point that you would like to open up about some of these things and be out on your own. It sounds like you have reached out to others from the internet but is there anyone close to you that you think you may be able to confide in? If you do feel like you need some further support you could also reach out to the GLBT hotline at 1-888-843-4564. That could be another source of support for you as well.

    It's good that you feel you have a way to survive if you did end up leaving. It is certainly important to figure out how to be safe, how you can eat, where you can live, etc. As a minor if you left home without permission your aunt/uncle may have the right to report you as a runaway and make a report with the police. How do you think they would respond if you left home? Keep in mind that if you would like to discuss your situation more in depth you can always contact us at our 24 hour hotline 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). We also have a live chat available from 4:30p to 11:30p CST. We are not here to judge, we are not here to tell you what to do, but we are here to listen and support you. All of our services are confidential and anonymous. We also can help you find helpful resources in your area or talk about safe options. Feel free to reach out to us anytime. Take care.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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