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What am I doing wrong?

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  • What am I doing wrong?

    Bear with me here. First, I'd like to admit that I am a stubborn 14 year old girl even if I try not to be. I don't know what to do anymore... I think I am going through depression...
    It started with my mom buying candy for her students. She bought one for my younger brother (6 yrs old) and told me any leftovers from her students will be given to me. I was cool with that, but still a little jealous that she wouldn't buy me one. So after school we were driving home and we were taking my friend as well. My brother complained he was hungry. Since my parents spoil him, we pulled over and my mom gave the last piece leftover (that was supposed to be given for me) to my brother. I was furious but I didn't say anything cuz my friend is there. My brother seemed to be shoving the fact that he has it in my face. I asked him for a piece and he is like no way. So I guess I wasn't thinking and i tried snatching a piece. He started screaming and we pulled over and my mom hit, spanked and punched me in front of my friend. Then she made me stand outside the car for 7 minutes, threatening to leave me there. I was trying my best to hold in my tears. I dont like to let my friends see me cry. Back on the road my mom told my friend how much a garbage to the family ("since I'm not giving love to my brother") and told her that I was a fake friend that is just manipulating her so she shouldn't be with me anymore. My friend said nothing, but later she told me she started crying after she got off my car. We dropped her off and then when we got back to my house my mom slapped me across the face and hit me with a wooden brush since I refused to eat dinner (like I said, I am stubborn and I feel like talking back, not proud of it). At the end when i was walking away from her i saw that she was shaking off her hand (that she hit me with) like her hand had some excercise from hitting me. My dad was a bystander but he also yelled at me. I cried myself to sleep everyday and hadnt talked to my mom for 2 weeks. She seemed to feel sorry because she bought me things that I told her I would want before she got mad at me. Still, my friend later told me she told her dad about it and he dad agrees that my mom shouldnt hit me and my brother is really spoiled. I feel really hurt from her hitting me and i feel jealous that other people's parents dont hit them like that. Whenever I think of it I start tearing up and sometimes I feel like committing suicide (such stuffs happened like this a bunch of times from fighting with my brother) I hate thinking about this and I was wondering, what should I do? I am not going to talk to any counselors or call the services because I secretly love my parents and I dont want to be separated by her. I never talked to her about my feelings cuz I feel very awkward and I doubt my parents would understand me anyway. Both of my parents are asian btw, so they use violence to punish me. My dad even gave me a nosebleed once from punching me in the face, but he felt extremely guilty so I don't mind very much. Sorry for ranting but I am crying right now and the screen is very blurring for me to think and write.

  • #2
    Re: What am I doing wrong?

    Hello,

    It sounds like you really care about your family despite your parents using physical punishment to discipline you. It sounds like a really hard time that you've been having but we're happy that you reached out.
    We want to let you know that you do have a right to report that you do not feel safe at home. If you are in need of assistance as to how to go about making a report you can contact us through our 24 hour crisis hotline at 1-800-RUNAWAY to receive immediate support. We are here to listen.
    Best of luck,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
    Tell us what you think about your experience!

    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/we_care_what_you_think

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