Can't take it anymore...

[lifesucks]

Ever since my mom died my life has been hell. My dad keeps me locked in our house everyday. He doesn't even let me go to school, I have to be homeschooled. He's such a controlled freak. I never get to see any of my friends. I pretty much have no friends anymore thanks to him. He gives me no reason to live. This house is more like a prison than a home. Kids complain about being grounded for a week, but my entire life I've been grounded. I can't stand it. I ran away once before, but they found me in the end. This time I need to find a way to get further away faster. Even child services was called and still nothing has changed. All that happened was I had to see a psychiatrist and make my dad spend a ton of money and hate me more. He already has 7 other kids he loves. I feel like he just keeps me because I'm not 18 yet and he doesn't want to get in trouble. He talks about how I have to respect him because he's my father but I don't respect him at all. I'd rather have my mom here.

If I stay here any longer, I'll end up hurting myself again. I don't want to die, I just want a better life. Sometimes I just can't help hurting myself if I get too frustrated or sad. Lately, that's all I feel.

I'm 17 now, so if I wait until next year I won't have to deal with being labeled as a runaway and get into any issues with cops bringing me back to this awful place. That'll also give me plenty of time to plan this out.

It would really mean a lot of someone could answer these two questions I have

1) Roughly how much money would I have to save before I can go? I figured I'd leave after I found out what college I got into and as far as sleeping arrangement go, I figured I'd stay in a dorm or something, but how much should I save up for food to give me a decent amount of time to get a job?

2) I do want to go to college, but is this going to affect that? I don't want to depend on my family. I want to go to a good college, I just don't want to have to depend on them for financial support, because knowing them I won't get it unless it's the same no name college they went to that's like 5 minutes from home so they can keep an eye on me.

I work and try hard, I'm smart, and I'm not some over emotional kid who takes their life for granted. All I am is a girl who has tried everything to make the best of her life, but just can't take always being last in a family with 8 kids. I can't take the criticism. I can't take the teasing. I can't take having my feeling not taken seriously. They're never going to change. I sure as heck won't be okay with them not caring about feelings anytime soon. Me leaving will be better for everyone.

I have one more question, what can I do to keep myself from having a mental breakdown during the period of time I'm stuck in this hell on earth they call a "home"? I find myself constantly breaking into tears randomly and feeling sad constantly. I always hear my sisters talking behind my back and I just feel like leaving right now.

[ccsmod4]

Can't Take it anymore

Hi,

Thanks for contacting the National Runaway Safeline.
We are sorry to hear about your situation with your family.
It sounds like you have been going through a lot since your mother’s death along with your father’s behavior towards you. Losing a parent is a very difficult experience for anyone to face and even feel overwhelming at times. We are so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like you went to therapy sessions but felt it did not accomplish much.
What were you expecting to get out of the experience?
It sometimes helps to be able to discuss your feelings about the situations one may be facing.
Having some emotional support would be a nice thing to have in helping you to cope with everything that has been going on.

We are glad you have decided to express some of those feelings in your post today; good for you.
It would be hard to say just how much money one should save up for such an endeavor.
It is however very smart of you to be looking down the road in regards to your future because it’s says that you want to have a good life and that you are trying to be strong.

Most college admission offices can answer many of the questions incoming freshmen may have about financial aid resources.
If you have any schools in mind the admissions office might be a good option to start.

You are doing a great thing by reaching out seeking information; NRS has a national data base we could assist you with looking for some counseling/support base services. You can call our toll free number 1-800-Runaway (786-2929).
You can also use our NRS live chat service available from 4:30pm until 11:30pm on our NRS website www.1800Runaway.org

We would be happy to assist you in looking at any options that might help your situation.

Thank you again for contacting the National Runaway Safeline.
Take Care

[lifesucks]

Hi,

Thanks for contacting the National Runaway Safeline.
We are sorry to hear about your situation with your family.
It sounds like you have been going through a lot since your mother’s death along with your father’s behavior towards you. Losing a parent is a very difficult experience for anyone to face and even feel overwhelming at times. We are so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like you went to therapy sessions but felt it did not accomplish much.
What were you expecting to get out of the experience?
It sometimes helps to be able to discuss your feelings about the situations one may be facing.
Having some emotional support would be a nice thing to have in helping you to cope with everything that has been going on.

We are glad you have decided to express some of those feelings in your post today; good for you.
It would be hard to say just how much money one should save up for such an endeavor.
It is however very smart of you to be looking down the road in regards to your future because it’s says that you want to have a good life and that you are trying to be strong.

Most college admission offices can answer many of the questions incoming freshmen may have about financial aid resources.
If you have any schools in mind the admissions office might be a good option to start.

You are doing a great thing by reaching out seeking information; NRS has a national data base we could assist you with looking for some counseling/support base services. You can call our toll free number 1-800-Runaway (786-2929).
You can also use our NRS live chat service available from 4:30pm until 11:30pm on our NRS website www.1800Runaway.org

We would be happy to assist you in looking at any options that might help your situation.

Thank you again for contacting the National Runaway Safeline.
Take Care

I wasn't really expecting much from the therapy sessions. My dad isn't big on discussing "family business" with outsiders. I was diagnosed with depression though, but my dad just thought I was being a "teenager" and that I have nothing to be depressed about. He doesn't realize that treating his authority as a parent like some sort of dictatorship really takes a toll on me. I knew the therapy wouldn't work because he would just say whatever it took to make it all go away, so things could go back to normal and he could resume his leadership and do whatever pleased without me telling my social worker which was the only outside contact I was allowed.

My family kept telling me things would change, but I see now it was just them once again saying whatever it took to make the mess all go away.

Even if my dad does try to be a good dad, he's got way too many kids. None of them want to move away from home. It feels like he's much nicer to them so that's probably why they all much happier than I am.

Thank you so much for listening. It's been a long time since I was able to tell someone how I feel without being called a drama queen. Just listening is something so small but means so much for people like me.

[ccsmod2]

Thank you for reaching out to us again and giving us more information. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now and it was courageous of you to tell us. We are sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now and that being able to talk with someone has been so helpful.

You mentioned that you had tried counseling and that your therapist had diagnosed you with depression but your dad thinks you’re just “being a teenager”, is that correct? It seems like you are both going through a lot right now and your dad isn’t the type to accept outside help but that’s something you are interested in. You also mentioned that your social worker is your only outside contact; have you talked with them about what you are feeling right now?

Please keep our information handy so you can contact us again. We are available 24 hours a day and you can call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or chat with someone from 4:30 PM-11:30 PM (CST), 7 days a week if you would like.

We look forward to hearing from you and wish you the best of luck.

~NRS