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I CANT TAKE THEM!

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  • I CANT TAKE THEM!

    Hello,
    I am currently 14 years old and Iv attempted suicide 5 times throughout my life: By car, By knife, By blood loss, pills, I even tried jumping. Every attempt turned out to be a faliure, now the only option I see is to leave. The worst thing is my family never noticed, well no...they never CARED. I had gone through the first 12 years of my life with my parents together and seemingly in love. My mother had to work all the time because she had to make the money. My father...he did nothing for us. He made things worse. He used all the money my mother worked all hours to make on lotto tickets and ciggarettes. Since my mother was gone all the time we spent most of the time with my father. He would hold my siblings and I captive in our own home. I had no friends, I couldnt have any. We moved every 6 months so I never made friends...I was always the freak no one saw, my father was not much help either, he was dependant on me and my siblings so much that he FORCED us to be dependant on him. I never got used to people, I didnt know how to talk to them, to connect with them...I still dont. In school, at that time, I was a bright child, I usually got A`s and tried very hard...but not by choice. When I got a grade any less than a 95 percent I was screamed at and told how insignificant and stupid I was. How I was a dissapointment and should never have been born. After the screaming by my father he would beat me with the buckle of a belt. That was the punishment for many things while I was younger. If I broke a cup, I spilled the cofee I made for my father, ect. My siblings and I were always very close, we were the only friends eachother had. My eldest sister, 16 at the time, was the sister I was always closest to. I cried for months when she ran. She had left one morning, after giving me a long hug and saying she would be home in a few hours because her boyfriend was sick and needed to see a doctor. They left and never came home, I had been worried all night until she called saying she hated us and never wanted to see us again. I was 10 and left alone. After that things got worse, my father started going crazy, my mother was yelling at us all the time and I cried myself to sleep every night. I had felt alone before but then i just felt like there was no one else on earth. Around two years later my parents decided it was time to move again, so we moved to my current location, my father and second eldest sister staying behind for her to finish highschool and so we could make money and find a home. A year after that my parents divorced. This made my father even more insane, he now calls every 5 hours and harrasses me on the phone. My mother is no longer a mother, she has turned into a teenager forcing me to mature all too quickly. She is never home, always out with her boyfriend getting drunk. She even leaves us alone while she goes out of state with her boyfriend to bars and nightclubs. She doesnt know what music I listen to, the clothes I wear, how old I am, my birthday. Sometimes she even forgets my NAME. I have become disconnected with my siblings. I no longer know my elder sister, she has turned into a lot of dating married and younger men all the time. When mom isnt yelling at me she is. I clean all the time. My list of daily chores consists of: Dishes(around 40 a day), Floors(sweeping and scrubbing on my hands and knees), surfaces, front yard, back yard, my room, my sisters room, my brothers room, my moms room, the living room, the garage, and cleaning animals. Those are LIGHT chores. Im usually lucky if I can even finish with my homework. I am afraid to go to my school for the simple reason that I am threatened all of the time, some people have pulled weapons out at me or ganged up on me. I faught back quickly and with no remorse yet I took blame for it all. I cry myself to sleep every night and try to keep myself from a blade. I feel as though all of these occurances were my doing.I keep thinking "Why should I be alive? No on wants me. I dont want to be alive anymore. It hurts so much to be alive so why not just stop?". I am begining to believe it would be better if I left and died away from them. Atleast then they wouldnt need to clean up the mess I made, now that I think of it I think my mother would go through the trouble of ressurecting me for five minutes just so I could clean it up. I need help! I cant take it anymore. I cant lie and lie myself to sleep saying it will get better. Iv been doing it for years and it still hasnt worked.

  • #2
    Re: I CANT TAKE THEM!

    Thank you for reaching out to the National Runaway Switchboard. It sounds like you have experienced a great deal in the recent years with your elder sister move out, all your family's moves, harrassing phone calls from your dad and your mom drinking. Have you been able to talk to anyone about how you been feeling and the events at your home? We are sorry that you had been yelled at and feeling forced to grow up. It sounds like things have been very difficult for you and we want to let you know that you are not a lone. We are a 24/7 confidential and free hotline. 1-800-RUNAWAY(1-800-786-2929). You can also contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). You can also contact Al-Anon 1-800-356-9996. If at any time that you are feeling unsafe, you may also contact the police at and they can come to where you are.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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