I don't know what to do

[Guest]

I need help. My father has been emotionally abusive to me for years. It hadn't been that big of a problem for me until about a year ago when my mother passed away. My mom would protect my sister and I from this sort of abuse. Now that she is gone however, He has become more and more emotionally abusive. He calls us names and forces us to clean the house all day, leaving us with little to no free time. He tries to control every aspect of my life even though I'm 18. He has even threatened to hit me with a belt like a child! If I try to talk to him, he pretends like there is nothing wrong or accuses me of lying.

I would leave but I have nowhere to go. Even if I had a job, I could not afford to pay for housing on the minimum wage here. I am forced to stay here because of this. Also I would not leave because I wouldn't want to leave my sister alone with him. I just don't know that to do though because I can't take much more of this.

[ccsmod8]

Re: I don't know what to do

Hello,

Thank you for reaching out to us at the National Runaway Switchboard and we hope that we can be of service to you in this time of need. We are here for those who truly needs our help and being that you are going through such a rough time, we certainly empathize with your story and we commend you for taking the time to reach outside of your family for assistance. We are not in a position to offer you advice on the issue but we are here to discuss what options you have and ways we can help you figure out other means of survival. However, you sound like a strong person who has survived a lot and continue to strive, even within such a hostile environment.

First off, we offer our condolence to you and your sister for losing your mother. She sounds like she was a great woman who tried to protect you in a way that all mothers should. It is not fair to you or your sister that you have been emotionally abused for years. We are not able to define what abuse is in terms of whether you are being abuse or not but that is usually left up to Child Protective Services to define it, if you were to file an abuse report. As crisis intervention workers, we are also mandated reporters and that require of us to report to Child Protective Services any abuse that is brought to our attention. It may be a bit different for you but since your sister is younger, it is simply one option for you if you wanted to bring light to the situation by informing the proper authorities.

However, you did state that you are 18 and in most states that makes you an adult and puts you in a better position to take control of where you want your life to go. Legally, you have the choice to leave when you want and he doesn't have to control you forever. But it sounds like you are also concerned for your sister and how she is going to survive your father. We hear you that you are careful about leaving but there is always the option of shelters and we can find some for you in your area, if they are available, if you were to call us at 1800runaway. Do you have anyone you can call that could provide help to you in this situation? Have you spoken to anyone outside your family about how you have been feeling lately? Can you stay with other family members for some time to get away and can your sister do the same?

The fact that you and your sister are called names sounds a bit like verbal abuse but that is something you can bring to the attention of social services. There are obviously pros and cons to reporting and if founded, your sister can be taken away to a safer place but sometimes it doesn't always end that way. It is likely that your father can be ordered to clean up his act if there was an investigation but waiting for that to take place and still endure what you already went through is probably asking a lot. Have you consider filing on behalf of your sister? If you feel threatened, there is also the option of calling the local police. He does not have the right to hit you and you do have the right to remain safe. Do you feel like there is something else happening with your father? Is he like this all the time or once in a while? We hear that you do not have a place to go but you do have options available to you and it is whether or not you take advantage of them. As stated earlier there is the option of shelters and shelters provide counseling and help you with employment. There is also the option of independent living or transitional living programs out there and if you were to call us or provide us with a city and state, then we can research resources in our database for you. We are here 24 hours/day and we are very confidential and never judge. It sounds very overwhelming and you deserve to feel empowered. Take this time to think over some of the options we offered and we look forward to hearing from you. Good luck.

-NRS

[Guest]

Re: I don't know what to do

I spoke with my sister today and she seems like she wants to stay with my father. She told me that she wanted to work things out between them. I told her that was ok if that was what she wanted to do but she should tell me if he ever hits her.
I don't really have anyone who could help us or that we could speak to. My aunt lives 8 hours away and has enough to deal with already. I could ask my brother for help but he doesn't actually have a stable place to live either because he gets paid minimum wage. Also he's pretty unreliable. Those two are the only family I have left. Most all of my friends have moved away and the ones that didn't would are in bad financial states themselves.
My father is two-faced. He's the nicest person in the world when he's in public but as soon as he gets home, he turns into a monster. I would call and provide my location but my father checks the phone bill on the home phone and the cell phone. If he saw the number, he'd flip out and research the number until he figured out what it was. I will try to get to a pay phone soon if I can, but where I live in a rural area, I'd have to find a ride since I can't afford to buy one.

[ccsmod0]

Re: I don't know what to do

It sounds like you have been able to explore some other ways to keep you and sister safe. You are very brave and you have a lot of strength to help your sister. Would it be possible for you to call from a neighbor's house that you trust or ask the neighbor to call for you or your aunt or your brother could also call in for you? If at anytime you and/or your sister feel unsafe, you can always call 911. We are a 24/7 crisis line. It’s anonymous, confidential and free. 1-800-RUNAWAY(786-2929).

[Guest]

Re: I don't know what to do

I'd like to update you guys on my situation. Not too long after I posted on this board and talked and talked to you guys on the phone, I decided to go out and look for odd jobs. I found a few jobs cleaning houses and things like that. Eventually I was able to save up enough for a small car and to rent a house. I told my dad I was moving out and he was really mad for a while. He wouldn't talk to me for months and he took it out verbally on my sister. Luckily my dad had been dating this woman and had invited her to move in with him a month or so after I left. She defends my sister so I don't have to worry about her too much. I check up on her every now and then.
My landlord helped me out a lot too. She let me do work to the house and let me count it as rent when I was short on rent money. She's even letting me get the place as a rent-to-own. I couldn't be happier since I left. I just wanted to thank you guys for giving the strength and motivation to get out of that bad situation.

[ccsmod8]

Re: I don't know what to do

Hello,

Since the first time we spoke a while back, and it has been a while, we gathered that you have made some great choices and result has shown that. We commend you for doing what you needed to do to get away from the situation at home and getting help for yourself. We are pleased that you have used us as a bridge and we hope that life continues to yield greater results for you. We also wish that you continue to reach out to your sister and allow her to feel encouraged to call us in time of need. Please stay safe and stay strong. Call us whenever you need someone to talk to and we will do our best to help out and get you some resources. Good luck.

-NRS