No other way?

[Mimi]

I want to runaway. I need to get away from the world.
I had a fling with a girl at my school, nothing illegal or anything inappropriate. Just dating, and maybe a kiss or so.
I am also a girl.
So when my mom found out, she went nuts. I didn't know what to do. I cried myself to sleep every night until I couldn't sleep. Then i would just cry until my body gained enough fatigue that it just passed out. I have been thinking about a lot of things to hurt or get rid of myself, but i think i know better.
I don't know what to do.
I have talked to my school guidance counselor, since i am under 18. Nothing seems to work.
She wants to control me. And i won't go into much detail about the whole situation, but i have rebelled against my mother in the past before, which is the cause for all the mistrust. But i worked 3 whole months on gaining it, and i thought i had, but she doesn't even give me the chance to explain myself anymore. My sister doesn't talk to me. My dad has had enough.
I don't know what to do.
I can't use a phone. I can't use a computer unless i'm at school; no 'trust'.
I have no life.
I feel like I'm dead, or as if i already died.
Please help.

[ccsmod11]

Re: No other way?

Thank you for posting on our forum. It seems like you are going through a very rough time right now emotionally. You didn’t say how old you are other than under 18, and since you are a minor under the law your parent/guardian are still responsible for you. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of different issues at this point. Have you thought about what the most important issue to you is at this moment in time? We have many resources available to give you to try with any of the issues you seem to be going through. If you can find somewhere to go where you can call us, we are here for you 24/7 and we want to be able to help you through this tough time and give you local resources.

You said there are trust issues with your mom and that the rest of your family is not interested in having a relationship with you at this time. Is there another family member you can reach out to, like an aunt, uncle, or grandparent?

It also sounds like you are very resourceful since you spoke to someone at school already. Did your guidance counselor offer any suggestions? If so, is there anything you can do to follow up on their advice.
You also mentioned some of the issues that happened were because of this relationship that you had with another girl. Have you gotten any support in regards to these feelings or been able to speak with anyone about that relationship? Please feel free to keep in contact with us and in the meantime there is a support numbers I would like to offer you – GLBT National Hotline 1-888-843-4564. Also remember if you would like to discuss your situation more in depth you can reach us at our 24 hour crisis hotline number 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). We also have an online chat that is available from 4:30p to 11:30p if you feel more comfortable reaching out that way. Please feel free to contact us anytime.

[Mimi]

Hm

I have tried to follow up on the advice of the guidance counselor, but things turned bad pretty quick.
I still am trying, but it's not working very well.
I also don't have anybody else that i could really go to, since my mom cut off all the ties i had with my old friends and the people at my new school, since i was forced to move, are totally against things like that, and my brothers all live days away from us in different states. My grandparents aren't alive anymore, either. All of my other relatives besides my brothers and the one sister that lives with me don't even live in America.
It's so hard, and i know that i am under 18 so they are responsible, but they have been considering sending me to live with my brother.
I would love it.
But they never listen to me and if i said something they would just force me to stay.
Do you need anymore information? I can provide it.

[Mimi]

Hm.

I want to runaway. That is my bottom line. Since i know that hurting myself or committing suicide isn't that healthy of an idea, i won't do any of that. I won't know where to go, or if i will get in trouble. I know that they'll call the cops. Actually, i don't know. I know my dad wouldn't care, but i don't know about my mom or my sister. I won't know how to go to school, since that is important, and i know that once i do, i can't come back. My parents would be furious, and i'd be sent to live in a boarding school like they always threaten to do.

[ccsmod5]

RE: No other way?

Thank you for reaching out to us during the difficult time. It sounds like you’re really struggling at home right now. Can you tell us more about your situation? Since we aren’t legally trained we wouldn’t be able to tell you what will happen if you leave home. However, hopefully we can provide you with some resources and ideas about what would happen next. We are completely confidential and anonymous so please feel safe calling us at our 24/7 hotline 1-800-RUNAWAY.

You said that your Dad wouldn’t care if you left and are unsure how your Mom and sister would react. That sounds very lonely, have you tried talking to them about how you feel? Since you are under 18 your parents may have the option of filing a runaway report. A runaway report is basically a report that is filed into a national database stating that if found you must be returned to your home. It would make crossing state lines or living with another relative more difficult. Again, you can call us and we can explain it in more detail.

You said that you had tried to follow the advice of a guidance counselor but things turned bad pretty quick. Can you tell us more about what happened? It sounds like you are going through a difficult time both at school and at home. Moving around can be very stressful and feel very isolating, especially since you have lost ties with your old friends and schoolmates.

It sounds like you would like to go live with your brother. Does he live in America? We can go over some options on how to approach your parents about this subject. We are glad to hear you are not suicidal, however if you are having serious thoughts of suicide or need to talk with someone about those feelings there is a hotline resource below. They are available 24 hours a day.

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

We are always here to talk about your story and try to find you resources such as shelters, counseling and are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). We also have online chat that is available from 4:30 PM-11:30 PM (CST), 7 days a week. You can find the chat on our website (www.1800runaway.org). We are here to provide support and talk to you about your options. We look forward to hearing from you!

[Mimi]

Long reply.

Well, i take things people say to heart very easily, and one day, i couldn't take the pain of listening to people tell me that the girl i had a fling with 'hated me'. So i needed release and decided to talk to my guidance counselor. She told me that maybe i need my closure, my reassurance, since the whole main incident happened right before my summer break over 4 or 5 months ago. She said to ask my mother first, though.
I did ask, and she gave me clearance to do it.
So i wrote the letter, and my mistake, didn't think to show the letter i was sending or the letter i received to her. Instead, she searched through my items when i was away for the weekend and found my draft.
I had wrote the draft when i was crying, just to get my emotions out. So i said things i wouldn't have normally said consciously. She doesn't trust me, like she never did, but she only said yes because my sister did. She trust my sister with hers and my own life, like it was hers.
So my guidance counselor told me that it might be good if i tried to get close to my sister, that way she could talk with my mom.
But she doesn't want to talk to me either.
So things are terrible now, and i looked things up. It is not illegal in Florida, which is where i live, but in Texas and Chicago it is, which is where 2 of my brothers live.
My 3rd brother is missing.
They're all grown, two married even, but i can't runaway to them, as it would be a state offense.
I tried telling my mom and dad my feelings, but they won't listen. My dad used to, before my mom convinced him i was lying and he had no say in anything. It hurts me, because i'm my dad's 'shadow'. I love him, honestly, more than i love my mom. But right now, i don't love anybody. Love is an empty word to me. It simply doesn't 'exist' anymore.
My mom made me quit my art, my oboe, my anime, everything i am. She wants me to be a robot, making straight A's that i have never made. I've been close, but i am not super-human. I am not my 'perfect' sister. I am me, not her. I remember her saying 'what was wrong with me?' and 'why can't i be normal?' and such things when she first found out i might have actually liked a girl.
As for now, i don't know my sexuality. I might have crushes on guys, but the feelings are blank. They don't exist. As for girls, sometimes my heart races. But thanks to mom, my new school has no one attractive.
At all.
Girl or boy.
Guidance suggested to me to go to therapy with my mom, since she goes, but she says 'sure' and then i never hear of it. Especially now, since things are so bad.
I miss my life, i miss being 'me'. I miss being someone.
I thing i will try to call, but i don't have many opportunities, and if i do, it's only for a few minutes.
I don't even eat or sleep anymore. I really am like a robot. Or like a dead person, except zombies eat, and i don't. It's getting bad. I've lost weight. And i think that maybe it might turn into a disorder. Hopefully not.
Please help, and thanks for helping me thus far.

[ccsmod2]

Thank you for getting back to us and continuing to tell us what is going on. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now and it was very brave of you to contact us.

It sounds like you used to have a really good relationship with your dad but that has gotten difficult because of things with your mom. We are sorry to hear that she told your dad you are a liar and that you feel you have nobody right now. We are also sorry to hear that you and your sister have a difficult relationship also. It sounds like you tried to go stay with her for the summer and it didn’t work out as you had planned. You mentioned that you have 2 brothers but they don’t live close to you. What is your relationship with them like?

We are sorry to hear that your mom has forced you to give up all the things that you enjoy doing. It sounds like those things really defined who you are as a person and that it’s been difficult for you to stop doing those things. It sounds like she is very concerned about your academic performance and wants you to only get A’s.

Please, call us at anytime; we are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). Since we have a 1-800 number, you can call free from any payphone. We also have online chat that is available from 4:30 PM-11:30 PM (CST), 7 days a week. You can access that through our website (http://www.1800runaway.org).

We look forward to hearing from you and wish you the best of luck.

~NRS

[Mimi]

Lala

I love my brothers very much. I know that at least one of my brothers loves me too, but I'm not exactly sure.
I don't even know if they know the current situation at our house; My mom told my dad not to tell my brothers, since i guess she doesn't want the to know, but I don't know.

[ccsmod0]

Re: Lala

Hi,
It sounds like you have a lot going on at home and are really trying to figure out what you want your next move to be. We would really like to help you any way that we can. If you could call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) 24/7, or you can reach us through chat from 4:30-11:30 pm CST where we can talk with you more thoroughly about your situation and any possible options or resources we may be able to help you with.
We look forward to hearing from you and wish you the best of luck.
NRS