16 and burnt out

[Unregistered]

I've been dealing with depression (not clinical), and moderate to severe anxiety since I was 10. I have an amazing family. My mom, dad and brother have always been supportive etc. We went through a rough patch when I admitted to cutting and not being happy at school. However, in the past year, everything has fallen apart. My mom, who I used to be so close too, has changed. I'm looking into moving out for university, and she puts me down for it. Which doesn't make sense, since she has been pushing me to go. She laughs when I talk about traveling and doing something better with my life. But that stuff I can deal with.

What's really bothering me is the my anxiety. I started a new semester at school, and it has been brutal. This was two months ago. Anyways, every morning I literally dread going to school. I panic the minute I wake up till the minute I go to sleep. I've tried everything possible. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. And whenever I try to talk to my mom about things, it suddenly turns to me comforting her for how I turned out. I'm using my last bit of energy every day trying to keep peace in the house and hide the fact that I want to cut, drop out and move out. Before you say I should sit down and talk to her, I can't. She yells at me for blaming all of my problems on her. (There is somethings I blame her for, but those have actuall validity-I've talked it over with my former therapist). I have hit the point where I don't see the point in school (I am/was an honor roll student-but I really don't try anymore), I'm constantly stressed about money for school. (My family isn't well off, but I can afford to go to school, but the fact that I want to move and take certain programs is adding an extra stress to me. My parents don't understand since I don't think they realize the costs and direction I want my life to go in, even though we have talked.) I don't have many friends due to anxiety and my, to put it bluntly, hatred for where I live. I don't want to make connections, I just need to go. I have been through so many tough experience in literally a 5 mile radius. And I am trapped here. I know this sounds like I'm complaining- I know I can have it a lot rougher. It's just at this point, I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my therapist, because I know how much she costs and how that money can towards other expenses at home (medical issues- not mine). I don't have many friends, and those that I do have, I don't trust enough to talk to. None of my teachers are really people I can talk to, as well as guidance counselors. I can't talk to my parents. My dad is overwhelmed with his job, and my mom just blames herself and then its up to me to comfort her. (this happens all the time, I never get to talk)

Anyways, I finally called my mom today and asked her to sign me out of the afternoon classes because I was having a really hard time. She screamed at me for giving up and not trying enough (not eating "well", sleeping "well", etc.) (oh, and I have anxiety induced insomnia- so that's another battle). She is now telling me she is going to dictate when and what I eat, when i sleep. etc. Basically I'm two again- except now more fights and school. I tried reasoning/actually talking with her, but she doesn't want to even see me. I know at some point I'm going to try to rebel on this whole regime, and when i mentioned that, she threatened to walk out. So I have to suck it up, because my dad and brother don't deserve that. All I wanted today was my mom to give me a hug. (that sounds pathetic I know).

I really need to get out. I've looked into train tickets and youth hostels, so I could get away for a good week and still be okay money and school wise. I hate that i have to run away, but at this point, if I don't my family, my school, my small town,I really think I'm just going to give up soon.
Thanks for listening.

[ccsmod10]

RE: 16 and burnt out

Hello. Thanks for reaching out to us at the National Runaway Switchboard.

It sounds like you are dealing with some really difficult, heavy stuff right now. Let me be sure I understand your situation correctly.

You state that you used to be close to your mom, but she has changed. She no longer treats you fairly or respectfully, and mostly just criticizes you, even when you are trying to have an open discussion with her. You are mostly concerned about your struggle to overcome anxiety. To that end, you have seen a therapist in the past, but can no longer afford it. You hate where you live and want to leave. You no longer see the point of school. You feel that you have no friends to turn to for support.

You also said that today you asked your mom to sign you out of your afternoon classes and she began screaming at you, saying you were giving up and not trying to succeed, when all you wanted from her was a hug, and to show you some support.

Finally, you state that you may just give up soon.

These details are very serious, and we’re glad you decided to contact us. This situation you are dealing with must be especially painful for you, as you once were close to your mother and free of anxiety.

You mentioned that you really don’t feel you can talk to your mom about what’s been going on, or anyone else you know. Some people in your position will turn for support to a pastor, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, or just a family member they trust who isn’t living with them. Do you know anyone like that?

One option you have might be to call us here at 1-800-RUNAWAY (800-786-2929). You mentioned that you have no one to talk to, but you can talk to us. We are available 24 hours a day, every day, and we do not judge or tell people what to do. We just talk about possible options and try to come up with a plan that ensures your safety. In fact, your safety is our highest priority.

Another option might be to call a Teen Crisis Line. They are typically staffed by young people who can provide support and resources (just like we do), and they are more likely to be closer to your own age.

Teen Link in Washington State:

http://www.866teenlink.org

866-833-8646

Teen Link in Houston, Texas:

http://www.teenlinkhouston.org

713-529-8336

They may expect you to be calling them from the local area around them, so that may be something to keep in mind.

You state that you may just give up soon. When you say “give up soon,” do you mean killing yourself? If you are thinking about killing yourself, or ever feel that you are a danger to yourself, you do have the option of calling 9-1-1 to stay safe. You can also contact the National Suicide Hotline at 800-272-8255 if you want – they are there to help.

Hopefully this has been helpful. Please feel free to call us if you need to talk. Please take good care of yourself.

~NRS

[Unregistered]

Thank you so much for responding. It is really nice to know someone is out there. I know I can call if I ever needed anything, but thank you for reminding me (:
I was actually able to talk to my parents today, and it gave me a bit of relief.
And to clarify, I haven't considered of suicide. I can't do that to the people around me. But thank you for reaching out to me. I appreciate it so much.

[ccsmod10]

RE: 16 and burnt out

Hello again, and thanks for responding to our bulletin.

We are very happy to hear about your talk with your parents today. It sounds like you had a healthy, productive discussion.

We're also glad to hear that you are not thinking about suicide. That being said, if you ever feel unsafe, you have options that can help you to stay safe.

Your gratitude is deeply appreciated. We are here to help - that's what we do. Please contact us if you need us in the future, and take care.

~NRS