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Mom's New Boyfriend

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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    I'm near the end of the line

    Hey, I need to vent about all this, it has been building for awhile and I need to get it out somehow.

    My mom is a single mother, raising 3 kids by herself pretty much as my dad only really visited on holidays, the marriage ended when I was very young. Since she has had to do things pretty much by herself she works a lot but despite that we had a good relationship, she used to take the time to at least listen.

    Now I'm older, just about to start college, and my mom tells me suddenly of each day that she's met someone. Throughout my entire life so far my mom has never dated, so it's completely new territory for me and at first it didn't really sink in. When I finally met the guy I had a breakdown. I held it in until he wasn't around and then just cried and couldn't control it anymore and my mom just watched and said nothing. She never brought it up or talked to me about/through it which is something she always used to do.

    Later on she keeps telling me that him and his friends and family are inviting me to go to breweries with them, which would just mean I would sit there doing nothing while they drank beer. They are all around their 50's and generally only talk about things I know nothing about as I'm only 17. I tell her I don't think I should as I'd be uncomfortable around that and might have another breakdown and she just kind of gets this annoyed look and says okay.

    After that she just kind of stops talking to me about anything. She goes to work and comes home for maybe an hour and then leaves almost every night, I later found out it was to go out with him. She kind of stops buying food for the house, only occasionally getting things, and I can't drive so I can't go out to get food/groceries. And when she does talk to me she acts like nothing has changed at all or just yells at me to do chores. The whole time it's felt as if she's hiding stuff from me and is cutting me out.

    A few nights ago, I went up to her room and I told her, "I would like it if you told me if you were going to go out cause sometimes I'd like to spend time with you so I'd just like some heads up". She immediately snapped at me and said, "FINE, I'll just tell you everything I do all the time and make sure I have your permission". I tried to tell her that's not how I meant it but she started going on a tangent of accusing of me of controlling her. I started to breakdown again and said, "okay, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything". That didn't stop her. I have anxiety issues and I could feel myself really starting to crack so I shut her door, not slamming, and went to my room. I couldn't stop crying and was nearly having a panic attack.

    I called my brother who lives far away to try and help my panic as he's very good at calming me down but he wasn't at home and I needed to get away. I grabbed my bag and I left the house still trying to call my brother. I got almost out of my neighborhood when my mom came out of the house, she caught up to me and just grabbed my shoulders and walked me back into the house not letting me go for a single second and not saying a word. I'm was still crying and she just put me in my room and slammed my door shut and went back to her room.

    She has gone out again leaving me alone in the house every night since. And the morning after my escape attempt she sent me a text message that said, "Here, do I have your permission?". And then a list of everything she was doing that day to excessive and insulting detail.

    I want her to be happy, I really do and I wish I could just be fine with it, but it's the first time she has ever had a boyfriend and it's a bunch of unsure ground to walk on for me. And everytime I have tried to talk with her to tell her how I feel and to move past it she just tells me I shouldn't be upset over and over and over again. I'm apparently just in her way and don't deserve her time. I'm at the end of my rope and I don't want to be around this anymore as it's bringing me a lot of anxiety problems.

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  • ccsmod15
    replied
    Re: Mom's New Boyfriend

    First, thank you for reaching out to us. It takes a lot of strength to reach out and ask for help which you are doing. It sounds difficult watching your mom going out with her new boyfriend and that you may be feeling a little left out and lonely. It is completely understandable that you want to spend more time with your mom and it sounds like you really love your mom.
    You can possibly speak with your mom and let her know how you are feeling and that you would like to spend more time with her. You may also speak with friends or an adult you trust about your situation.
    Again, thank for reaching out to us and asking for help. It took a lot of strength and courage to reach out which you did. If you would like speak with us further, you may call our 24/7 confidential hotline at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or you may reach out to us by chat daily in the evenings.

    Leave a comment:


  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Moms boyfriend

    My mom got a new boyfriend over 7 moths ago she and him started going out Saturday's and sleep the night all he has done is took my mother away I know my mom for 10 years and she has known me for 10 years too but she wants to spend time with the person she has knew for 7 months... I just want time with her and also I think my mom and her boyfriend are sleeping at a hotel because every Sunday she comes home there is a hotel key in her bag 😡

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  • ccsmod11
    replied
    Re: Moms new boyfriend

    Hi there,

    Thank you for reaching out to NRS and sharing your situation with us. It sounds like things are not ideal at home with your mother right now. Have you talked to your mom at all about how you are feeling or your thoughts about leaving home next year and being on your own? If you have and have not felt like your concerns have been heard, have you considered any other modes of communicating with your mom about the situation (such as email, letter, with a friend/family member present)? In the past have there been any specific activities that you and your mom enjoyed doing together that you may be able to suggest to do with her now? These are just some possible things to think about as far as options. We’d also like to let you know that we do have a large database here of different resources, which includes counseling services. If this is something that you think would benefit you and your mom, or if you would like to just talk more about what that would be like, you can call us and we can explore what is in your area further.

    At NRS we are completely confidential and available 24/7 to discuss your situation. Please feel free to reach out to us via our online chat services at www.1800runaway.org or via our safeline number 1-800-786-2929 and we will do our best to help in any way we can.

    Best,
    NRS

    Leave a comment:


  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Moms new boyfriend

    Hi I just want to vent here and say that my mom has a boyfriend and ever since she started dating him she doesn't listen to me when I talk she's always texting him and when I say mom wanna go do something no I can't but she can sit and text all day. I have no friends im a high functioning autistic teen of 17. Next year I'm getting my own place. But I will never speak to my mother after I move out she has put me through hell in whole 17 years of my life I will never forgive her

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  • ccsmod7
    replied
    RE: Mom's New Boyfriend

    Thanks so much for writing in and sharing your story with us. It sounds like you are dealing with so much right now with your mom and hopefully it helps to be able to vent a bit about what’s going on. It’s understandable how frustrated you are with your mom’s behavior and it sounds like she is not being conscience of your feelings in these situations. Have you ever tried to speak with your mom about this? What happens when you bring up the fact that you are uncomfortable with some of her behaviors? Sometimes it’s helpful to know that there may be others dealing with similar situations as yourself and we are happy that you felt comfortable enough to share a bit of your story.

    We want to let you know that if you would like to discuss your situation more in depth you can always contact us here at the National Runaway Switchboard. Our hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929), is available 24 hours a day and completely confidential. There is always someone available to listen, provide support, discuss options, and even find resources in your area. We also have an online chat that is currently available from 4:30p-10:00p CST. During that time you can talk with a trained chat volunteer who can provide the same support and resources as we can through our hotline number. Please feel free to reach out to us anytime. Take care.

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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    My life the same way.My mom was married for 23years and her hubby cheated on her with my moms besfriend.So,on my part i hsd to cut her some slack and give her some time to be,you know,wild.My mom was always a workaholic.We never did anything together.Which i never realized was bad until i started to grow up and see that other moms and there daughter were really close.My mom had a long streach of doing things wild.Every weekend she would get drunk with her friends and have a pool party.She wasnt the shyest person on earth so she had loads of friends.I let her have her space and do what she wanted, because i knew that she was just trying to get rid of the hurt.It never really bothered me until we went to this hotel for spring break and she met this guy..........todd.He was all over my mom.I was in the hotel with my friend and right of front of me my mom was making out with todd.He was sticking his hand in her pants , it was just plain nasty.She never really got out much.Most of the time people would just come to her.So,this one night i had my friend over and my mom and her mom are like bestfriends and they go to a wedding ceramony.They dont get back till like 4 or so in the morning and they bring this guy home.This guy is a total doush bag ,hes like 30 and hes wearing vans, hollister shirt,cargos and a DC hat.My moms like 46 btw.I wake up in the middle of the night to go get water and hes in there,he looks at me like im mental.And he says "who the hell is she?"I was like half awake so i just give him the look and go on my marry way.After a few days of him being there i was already sick of him.Me and my friend decide to go to the park for a few hours(parents to drunk to realize anything.)We snuck back in the house and run into my moms room to to grab a few things,and i look out the window and see my moms and lmy friend's mom making out.Btw my friend's mom is married to and army man and hes gone like half of the time.They started doing really nasty things until the started having a threesome.A few months later this guy comes back.ON MY [language] BIRTHDAY. My mom has that same guy over.
    Last edited by ccsmod7; 07-14-2011, 11:17 AM. Reason: language and confidentiality

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  • ccsmod8
    replied
    Re: Mom's New Boyfriend

    Hello,

    Thank you for replying so quickly as it shows your commitment to resolving this situation in the best possible way. Your positive attitude towards this difficult situation is certainly encouraging as it shows that you are very mature and there could very well be light at the end of the tunnel for you in this dilemma. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are a great team and you two has a lot going for both of you. With everything that is happening with you it is good that you do have someone to reply on.

    Maybe it is of benefit to both you and your mother that you are at the point that you see this situation as one that could only solve itself with taking space away from it all. Sometimes it takes having the courage to move on to change things and you certainly have the right approach to the issue. You are right in that you deserve to have a say about how your world is being affected and certainly having a stranger move into your space is something that needs delicate attention. Afterall, you are still a minor and you do deserve to feel safe in your own home. What your mother did when she asked you to leave does not make you a "runaway" it makes you a "throwaway". It also makes you a throwaway if someone in your home is making it hard for you to live there or is preventing you from feeling like you can live at home. We are not sure how this situation relates to you but it is something that you deserve some reconciliation around.

    Overall, it sounds like you do have a good plan of action for when the time comes to leave. However, that is a few months from now and you still have to figure out ways to distract yourself from it all and come up with some ideas for how you are going to survive it. Afterall, you are still coming to terms with all the changes in your life and it deserves some nurturance from someone who can weave the tapistry together in your mind. If you are interested in counseling or family therapy, we are here 24 hours a day and could provide you with free referrals to organizations in your area. In the meantime, try to stay strong and we will be thinking about you here to NRS. Good luck.

    -NRS

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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Re: Mom's New Boyfriend

    i did kind of want to vent, i am not planning on leaving before the age of 17 since my mother has told me to "get out of her house" before and when i did i guess she immediately regretted it and called the police and said i had ran away...im not in the mood to do that again, but i am ready to tell her that (if she even asks) that when he moves in i am moving out so she can either way till i am 17 or not. i even told myself that if she didnt even have the consideration to ask me how i feel about him living here before he moves in than i really dont care anymore and that im out, i have a job and my boyfriend does too. the money he is getting on his birthday is more of a quick start for the both of us and we both agreed not to spend a penny of our money until the day...I am not really in the position where i want to repair a relationship with my mother mainly because i am hurt and upset with her for isolating me in my own house and the tension between us is unbearable, i feel the only way we can be better is for us to take a break and let me leave for a while, the way i see it is if she wants to cut her relationships off with her family and friends over a guy cus she feels he is more important than thats just what she will have when he isnt there and thats fine with me...

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  • ccsmod8
    replied
    Re: Mom's New Boyfriend

    Hello,

    Thank you for reaching out to us with your story and we hope that we can provide some insights to you in this time of need. We imagine this to be a very difficult time for you so you do not have to be hard on yourself for venting. Everything you spoke of is certainly valid and you certainly have your reasons for seeking advice outside of your family. We are not in a position to give advice since we only deal with crisis situations but you do deserve someone who is going to listen to you and be of support to you at this point.

    It sounds like you care a lot about your mother and hope that both of you can start on a new slate if that is something she is able to figure in time. The reality of it is that it is never to late to reach out to one another but it looks like it is going to take a lot of effort on your part. However, it sounds like you have done a great deal to get her to give you attention but she is not willing to find the time. It is good to hear that you are passed certain hang ups in the relationship and just wants to move forward in whatever direction that is most empowering for you. It is obvioulsy not fair to you to be told such harsh things by your mother. Would you have stuck around if she kept working long hours and if she didn't have this new relationship? The most important thing at this point is that you figure out a plan of action for if and when you do choose to leave home. It sounds like your mind is made up for what you have planned with your boyfriend. Where do you plan to go and how do you plan to live? What is your expectation for what life is going to be like when you leave home and what do you expect it to be if you decided to return? How much money is your boyfriend coming into and how long do you plan to live off this money? These are just a few of the things for you to consider in the meantime.

    One of the things you focus on is the life your mother had and ways she has changed recently. Is it possible to set up a time for you and her to relax and talk about ways you could be included in that relationship? Is it something you are willing to do? Are there ever moments for quality time at your house? How eager are you still for mending the relationship with your mother? There are going to be certain things that you cannot change or control such as who your mother dates and where she goes. However, you do not deserve to be told that you could be easily replaced. Is it possible that she is simply trying to get a rise out of you just to see how you are going to react? Some people just do not fully understand the power of words but you are certainly in a position to choose what is right for you since you are allowed to do what you want in your state once you turn seventeen. Are your willing to wait until that day comes or do you plan on leaving right away? In most states it is not a crime to runaway but if you run before that legal age it sometimes puts you in the way of dodging the law and makes you want to live off the radar for some time. It only gives you a status of a runaway if your mother filed for you if you run before you are legally an adult. If and when you run, it is usually the responsibility of the cops to return you home if you are found but only you are capable of knowing for sure how soon you must leave. Are there other alternatives to staying home? Have you thought about other ways to go around the issue of dealing of your mother? We are here for you if you simply need someone to listen to you. You can reach us at our 1800runaway number and we are here 24 hours a day. We hope that you take this time to empower yourself and that you remain safe. We look forward to hearing from you. Good Luck.

    -NRS

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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest started a topic Mom's New Boyfriend

    Mom's New Boyfriend

    I really dont know where to begin aside from the fact that me and my mom have never really had the best relationship, im not going to say it was bad but it definitely could have been better...she is kinda of a workaholic so she is constantly at work and doesnt really spend to much time at home unless it is for sleep. She even told me on my birthday that she couldnt take the day off even though she had vacation time because she wouldnt get paid the same amount. Now i am not poor i live in a pretty good house for my mom to be a single mother. But i guess you could say growing up in a house w/o my father being there all the time, and my mom first priority being work, i was a little neglected. That didnt really bug me 2 much i dont need that much attention all the time but my mom recently got a new boyfriend and she spends more time with him than she does at work and at home, and the only time she is at home now is when he is there, she even took the whole week off (for god knows what reason!) and did nothing but go out to eat with him and then came back here and he would spend the night...she has even was talking about getting married to him to my aunt and maybe having children (they have been dating for THREE months and she has her tubes tied, which i have seen her look up tubal reversal on yahoo) i asked her why she wanted to have kids at such a late age (39) and she said cus she feels like "she didnt get it right the first time".... how could she say that?! i am so sick of being in this house with him when she has absolutely no compassion for her daughter who came first in her life, and i want to leave i seriously want out i cant stand another day in this house, and i want to leave when i turn 17 (state law considers me an adult) which is in less than 4 months with my boyfriend who is going to be 18 at the end of this month and is coming into some money for the occasion (we have been together for over a year) my thing is am i over reacting i just cant believe that my mom cares more about her relationship with some guy that has been in her life for less than 6 months than she does her own daughter and i swear im not jealous, she can have a boyfriend but how could she sit there and tell me she doesnt have time for me because EVERYTHING is more important...i just feel like i am a waste of her time and it just really hurts...
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